<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Day the Moon Rose by bbshlie</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26314717">The Day the Moon Rose</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbshlie/pseuds/bbshlie'>bbshlie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Betrayal, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fake Character Death, Hurt Poe Dameron, Inappropriate Use of the Force, It Gets Better, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Original Characters - Freeform, Original Planets, Pilot Poe Dameron, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Resistance, Secret Identity, Secret Mission, Slow Build, Traitor, he was just taking over the galaxy, i will add tags once we get there, post episode 7, this gets a little dirty later on, which side is she on?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:07:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>75,893</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26314717</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbshlie/pseuds/bbshlie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Tell me, Aiene," he pressed, his hand resuming its journey through my hair. "What have you done?"</p><p>"I can't," I stated between hiccups, shaking my head. I could hardly see him now, my vision too watercolor to interpret. My decision was final. "I can't tell you."</p><p>Things were never supposed to end up this way.</p><p>•••</p><p>Former Princess of Hayu, Aiene wants out. The Resistance offers a perfect shelter from the looming execution over her head. She is strong in ways she never knew--bright, intelligent, promising, sensitive to the Force in a way Leia had never seen before.</p><p>They have a mission for her. It has to be her.</p><p>Sent to infiltrate the First Order and bring Kylo Ren to his knees, Aiene must juggle hiding her Force sensitivity and her true identity while testing the limits of the Force and the limits of her own will against a Hayun tale as old as the planet itself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kylo Ren/Original Character(s), Poe Dameron/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Battle of Hands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>             “Aiene,” called my mother, her voice an echo from the end of the dimly lit hallway. She didn’t have to call for me; I already sensed she was nearing. I sensed a masculine presence lingering somewhere in the vicinity. “Your father needs to have a word with you.”</p><p>              I wondered why my father did not tell me himself if he was near, but I said nothing about the matter. Cursing under my breath, I rose from my seat on the staircase. My right hand grabbed a tight fistful of the soft fabric of my handmade, lavender gown, and I traced the fingers of my left hand over the white lace collar covering the entirety of my neck.</p><p>              Speaking in Hayuaine as my mother had, I question, “Why? Has another suitor come around?”</p><p>              She did not reply. Mother flashed me one of her signature, tight-lipped smiles, wound so tightly on her aging face that it was almost awkward. She looked at me some sort of way with her green eyes, a way I could not determine at the time but had seen a thousand times before.</p><p>              I noticed how frail she looked then despite the makeup she had painted over the lines etched into her aging face. Maybe it was she shadows of the hallway filling in the contours of her face, but she looked almost sickly.</p><p>              Mother took off down the hallway she came from, the heavy sound of her heels following her as I should have been. I watched her raven black curls bounce as her figure receded into the depths.</p><p>              I stayed a while longer on the staircase. I looked upwards, looking at the mural I had seen painted by some of the most famous painters of Hayu on the arching ceiling over my head. Though I had seen it a thousand times before, there was a lump in my throat when I looked at it this time. My chest ached looking at it. I did not know why.</p><p>              Another suitor, I decided, was why my father wanted to see me. I hated going to see him. He always sat across his desk just <em>telling </em>me things, refusing to take my opinions or perspective into account. My future was never in my hands. I hardly even knew the man making all these decision for me.</p><p>              I sighed and dragged myself and the heavy load of fabric and jewels down the hallway towards my father’s office, skimming my fingers against the smooth, wooden doors in my path. This hallway was always so dim despite the crystal chandeliers and lanterns along the walls. The darkness that lingered never felt right to me, especially not now.</p><p>              I shivered despite the fur wrap around my shoulders. I tugged it tighter around my frame and knocked sharply on my father’s door five times, as was custom. My ears just barely caught the deep rumble of my father’s voice from behind the thick door. I opened it slowly and announced my presence before stepping into the room.</p><p>              It was dark, as it always was. Cold, too. My father sat across the room from me, his skin amber in the light of the candles and lanterns. He leaned forward, rested his elbows against the desk, and clasped his hands together. I noticed the wrinkles on his face, emphasized by the shadows like my mother’s were.</p><p>              His jaw was clenched. I swallowed thickly and took a seat in front of him. I found my father rather intimidating, all things considered. His anger could light the whole castle up in flames if it intended to. I did not know him well enough to consider myself spared from his bouts of rage. This time, though, I sensed it was not directed at me. I suspected the source of his fury to be a deal gone wrong, or perhaps he had lost control over something.</p><p>              I straightened my back, my hands clinging to each other in my lap. In the large, oval mirror behind my father, I caught a glimpse of myself.</p><p>              My subjects called my beautiful. I did not see it so much, at least not all the time. They envied the waves of my hair, said it looked like the stars had carved them out of a block of onyx. Some subjects said my eyes looked like the East Ocean, so blue-green and bright. Others claimed they could see waves thrashing around my irises or clouds drifting over the sea when I was sad.</p><p>              Despite that, I could not see past the hallows of my cheeks that had grown quickly these past few weeks. Even my skin had gotten paler. If I were to be honest with myself, I had not been eating well. Truthfully, I had hardly been eating at all. The stress my parents were putting on me now that I was approaching the ruling age, and therefore able to be wed, had driven my appetite to a land far, far from here.</p><p>              “Father,” I greeted, bowing my head for a moment. “May I ask for what you requested my presence?”</p><p>              In his deep voice, he stated blankly, “As you know, we have been experiencing trouble with Arula. However, the king and queen’s son, Solenh, has expressed interest in you. He wishes to court you, and you will let him. After one year, you two will be wed, and peace will be permanently restored.”</p><p>              I dug my teeth into my cheek, fighting back the urge to roll my eyes. <em>Of course </em>that would happen. I had been waiting for such an occasion; my father never cared about my feelings. Some part of me had always known this was coming, but that did not stop the anger that bubbled in my chest.</p><p>              “Of course,” I replied curtly. I tasted iron as I sunk my teeth further into my flesh. “As you wish, Father.”</p><p>              “Aiene, happy endings don’t exist.”</p><p>              I wondered momentarily how he could have sensed the gathering strands of my outrage. My face, I swore, had never been more blank in my entire life. As the seconds ticked by, though, I struggled more and more to bite back my rage.</p><p>              “Just once, Father, I would like control of my own life! I understand you are used to controlling everything and everyone as King of Hayu, but I am the <em>princess. </em>You may be my father, but you never even raised me! Who are you to dictate my life when for twelve years you decided I was not worthy of being part of yours?”</p><p>              Father shot out of his seat like a rocket, towering over me before I even had the chance to blink. His eyes glowed blood red in the amber glow of the candles, and his hands gripped the edge of his desk so tightly that they turned a ghostly white. The heat and fury from his body was intense, boiling hot even; it splashed against my skin, and I swore the sun had just taken ahold of my body.</p><p>              Despite this, I had no choice but to remain seated and wait for his anger to bubble over. I could not leave until he allowed me. He was my father, but he was also the king.</p><p>              His large hand collided with my cheek before I could think anything else, leaving a stinging pain pulsing down my jaw and neck. I hissed and squeezed my eyes shut, clenching my jaw in an attempt to bite back the fire that I was sure I would breathe if I dared open my mouth.</p><p>              “Get out of my sight,” he spat at me. “You will meet Solenh tomorrow at noon. Do not dare be late, or I will have you punished like a commoner.”</p><p>              I cursed under my breath before getting up. In my head, I yelled a string of insults at my father before storming out of the room. I almost swore the door flung open and slammed shut without my fingers touching it, but I could not think about it, not then.</p><p>              My anger had mostly faded by the time I reached the spiral staircase that led up to my room in my tower. In all twenty-three years of life, I had never felt such an inferno of anger in the core of my being. My muscles were exhausted, so heavy under my flesh that I was not sure I would even make it to my bedroom, and my mind struggled so hard to unknot these emotions.</p><p>              Unexpectedly, I began to cry. Tears rolled down my cheeks and onto my gown as I rested my forearms onto the ivory railing. I briefly remembered what people said about my eyes when I was angry, and the embers flickered again. I would bring a storm, without a doubt.</p><p> </p><p>              I had been asleep for a mere two hours—I kept myself awake all night thinking of ways to escape that forsaken arrangement—when a maid woke me. It was only five in the morning; the sun had barely managed to rise over the chain of mountains on the horizon. I yawned and sat up, stretching my arms over my head before I was hit by the memory of today’s affairs. My lips twisted into a frown.</p><p>              Slipping out of bed, I allowed three maids to help me undress. They tucked the tight, grey silk, button-up nightgown I had worn to bed the night before into a cloth bag—likely for disposal.</p><p>              They opened up the six glass windows, as they insisted on doing every morning no matter how much I complained, and I hissed when the cold air touched my skin. It didn’t help that their fingers felt like icicles, either. I shivered and hoped maybe this time they would take the hint, but as usual, my shivers went unnoticed. I huffed and closed my eyes while they laced my black corset over my ribcage.</p><p>              The tightness was familiar, but I never grew fond or even tolerant of feeling tied down and constricted.</p><p>              The maids pulled that day’s dress—I never wore the same dress more than once—out of a black garment bag. It was royal blue with diamonds and rubies spiraling up the sleeves. The lace collar was white, glistening with silver; the seamstresses must have sewed silver thread in with the lace after hearing about who I was meeting today.</p><p>              Pathetic. It was a shame I would look so beautiful for a man I would marry but never love.</p><p>              Biting my tongue, I allowed the maids to help me into the dress. I would never be able to get into it myself. It was skin-tight, which was unsurprising considering they tailored it to the very millimeter to fit me. The gown was tight only until the knees, where it loosened up to flow as it wished, even dragging far behind me.</p><p>              The gown did nothing to help my shivering despite the high collar and long sleeves; the fabric felt no thicker than a sheet of paper. I shivered again when a maid’s icicle fingers fumbled with the small buttons on the back of my lace collar. Her fingers stung like a bee.</p><p>              I moved myself in front of the mirror on my wall. The maids looked at me curiously, eyeing my gown as if they wanted to be the ones in my position. The idea was laughable. They had no idea. All they wanted was to be fawned over like an object.</p><p>              But why wasn’t I more than an object to them? Why were my looks what defined me as a woman, as a human? Why did my looks put me in this position, with a prince I had never even seem before swooning over me without knowing anything about me except what I looked like?</p><p>              I swore to the stars that I heard a faint, deep voice rumble in the very back of my skull. “It doesn’t.”</p><p>              A maid gently tapped my shoulder. I jumped, clearly startled, and wondered if for a second I had been speaking out loud and she had merely given me an answer.</p><p>              No, it couldn’t have been her. Her voice was not deep or manly like the one I had just heard.</p><p>              She bowed deeply and apologized, hands held out in apology to royalty. I gracefully took her hands and ran my thumbs over the dry, cracking backs of her own, the way royalty would accept a subject’s apology. I dismissed the three of them with a sharp command in Hayuaine and watched them scamper out of the room.</p><p>              I promptly shut the windows—a task in itself, for they were far taller than I was, and the maids had taken the stepping stool—before taking a seat at my vanity. I picked up a brush, tapping my fingers over the ivory tusk handle before running it through my hair. My eyes wandered over braided frame around the glass and to the three lit candles at each end.</p><p>              Pretty, I thought absentmindedly.</p><p>              “Like you,” mumbled a deep voice in the back of my head.</p><p>              I jumped again, nearly falling off the cushion I sat on.</p><p>              “Who or what are you?” I thought aloud.</p><p>              There was no response. Sighing softly, I blamed it on the ever-mounting stress and tutted at myself. Fumbling in one of the drawers, I pulled out my brushes and makeup. I picked out the best accessories I had, knowing I could not afford to look bad in front of Arula’s royalty.</p><p>              I covered my face with foundation and sighed. I liked it just the way it was, for all it was, with all my moles and freckles. The woman Solenh was courting, though, had no such imperfections. None that he had ever seen, at least. Not even a single hair was ever out of place, but that was not truly me.</p><p>              This was only business. This had everything to do with politics and nothing with love. Nothing about this man’s thoughts or preferences even mattered to me, but if he did not find me beautiful enough, war was imminent. I couldn’t be useless to my planet. That’s not was a princess was for.</p><p>              I rose, careful with my bouncy waves and the pearl and diamond clips in my hair. I dipped my fingers into a pot of perfume as I did so, smearing it onto my wrists and jawline. A knock at the door caught my attention, and it opened after I gave permission. A woman walked in—I did not catch her name despite her announcement. I had never seen her before, but I knew what she was for when I was the clear box of jewels she balanced in the crook of her arm.</p><p>              It was Hayun tradition to wear jewels on our face during any sort of affair, international or interplanetary. I had always pitied the men and women who worked to shape these gems. My family ordered so many that they had to produce, bare minimum, one thousand of these <em>tiny</em> circular jewels per day to meet the weekly quota. I did not want anything to do with the tradition because of how bad I felt for them. My parents ensured they had the best working conditions possible, with the best tools and access to safe mines, but their jobs were still unskilled labor and provided little pay—just barely enough to feed and clothe two people.</p><p>              “Princess Aiene,” she greeted me, smiling softly. Her voice put me oddly at ease. “How has your morning been?”</p><p>              “Not well,” I replied curtly. “Who are you? How has your morning been?”</p><p>              “I am Seane. It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance, Princess Aiene. My morning has been well, thank you.” She smiled again. “You look beautiful, Princess Aiene.”</p><p>              “Thank you.”</p><p>              I looked her over, running my eyes over her frizzy, untamed, scarlet curls she tied back in a loose ponytail. Her eyes were a deep violet, and her skin was tan and speckled with moles. Her gown was drab, loose, brown—typical of a commoner.</p><p>              I spoke again, and though I had no reason to believe otherwise, I asked, “You aren’t from Hayu, are you, Seane?”</p><p>              “No,” she affirmed. “I grew up elsewhere, but I live on D’Qar.”</p><p>              “D’Qar?” I tilted my head, eyes shimmering with interest. The name of the planet was unfamiliar to me. “What are you doing here, then?”</p><p>              “The Resistance has me doing some work here, mostly working with your family. It’s nothing too important, Princess Aiene—just building a bond between the Resistance and Hayu, collecting minor information for a few months.”</p><p>              “The Resistance?”</p><p>              What the hell is that?</p><p>              Seane cocked an eyebrow at me, her hands fumbling with a bottle of glue and a small ceramic plate. “Are you unaware of the state of the galaxy, Princess Aiene?”</p><p>              I shook my head slowly, narrowing my eyes at her belittling tone and blatant disrespect. “My parents keep me mostly in the dark. I read snippets of the news here and there if they clear it for me. I have never left Hayu, you see, but given the complete peace of my planet since my father inherited the throne, I haven’t cared much about the state of the galaxy.”</p><p>              She tilted my head with her hands. Thankfully they were not cold. “Aren’t you leaving the planet today, Princess?”</p><p>              “For the first time, yes.”</p><p>              I closed my eyes as she glued jewels to my temples. She made small talk, but I hardly paid attention to it. I was more intrigued by the Resistance she spoke about. I had heard it mentioned maybe once before by eavesdropping on some servants.</p><p>              I knew of major galactic events but nothing about today’s events. This was one reason I had despised my parents so much—the tiny box they kept me in despite knowing I would rule one day.</p><p>              The Resistance, I thought to myself, would jump at the chance to recruit a princess if they would take an unskilled laborer like Seane. Even if they weren’t so willing, I’d be ready to do almost anything to convince them.</p><p>              “Scum,” growled the voice deep in my head. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”</p><p>              I flinched and gritted my teeth. Something surged within me, and I shut the voice out with a wall. It felt primal, instinctual, building this wall. The voice’s words were dampened, and then drowned.</p><p>              Whatever I had just done, there was an unsettling silence left in the voice’s place.</p><p>              “Are you alright, Princess?” Seane asked.</p><p>              I popped my eyes open. “I’m quite alright, thank you.”</p><p>              I gave her a tight-lipped smile before closing my eyes again.</p><p>              I tried impossibly hard to shove thoughts of the Resistance to the back of my mind after what the voice had said, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t shake the thought of it or fathom why there was another voice in my head.</p><p>              What were they resisting? Why were they resisting it? Could it have been some lame worker’s union? There were plenty of those, after all, and my parents did work with them directly. I had even worked with them before.</p><p>              Despite my futile attempts to suppress these thoughts, there was a pinch in my gut, some kind of spark. I just <em>had </em>to know. There was no evading my interest or my desperate grab for control of my own life.</p><p>              I didn’t know how long Seane had even been on Hayu. She could disappear tomorrow, taking my only chance for control with her.</p><p>              I couldn’t let her leave without knowing.</p><p>              “Seane,” I spoke suddenly, opening my eyes and watching the break of concentration flit across her face. “Can you tell me about the Resistance?”</p><p>              She smiled, her violet eyes crinkling in response. I furrowed my brows in response, perhaps disturbing my foundation and brow penciling, but that held no consequence to me. I wondered why such a question would make her smile. She was peculiar.</p><p>              “The Resistance?” Seane hummed. “Why do you want to know about that, Princess Aiene?”</p><p>              “You work for them, and I’m curious,” I stated blankly with a near-indignant furrow of my brow. I was hesitant to reveal my true motives just yet. “As future queen, there will always be a chance that I work with them.”</p><p>              “There is, of course.” Seane nodded, fingers still gluing and pressing jewels in complicated swirls and floral patterns down the left side of my face. “But you would not ask me just because of that. You would find out in time on your own. There is a more pressing reason, isn’t there?”</p><p>              Anger nipped at my feet, and I dug my nails into my palms to restrict my sudden fury. “What is it that you are insinuating, Seane?”</p><p>              “Nothing at all, Princess. I do not mean to make an enemy out of you.” She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and tilted my face again. “I just see a fire in you. There is more to you, isn’t there, Princess Aiene? I think the Resistance would love to have you. In fact, that is why you are asking, isn’t it? You want to work with us, for us?”</p><p>              I ignored her questions. “Fire in me? What do you mean?”</p><p>              “I don’t know,” she replied immediately, almost <em>too </em>quickly. Some part of me felt like she was hiding something from me.</p><p>              “If you know, I deserve to be told,” I snapped, narrowing my eyes. “You should not be hiding something of that magnitude from me.”</p><p>              She sighed. “I really do not know, Priness Aiene.” Tilting my face again, she continued, “You wanted to know what the Resistance was, right?”</p><p>              Appeased, I nodded quickly. Seane explained, but I did not fully understand even half of what she said. I knew some events she had fleetingly mentioned—like who Leia Organa was, though I hadn’t taken a credit of galactic history for over a year.</p><p>              Something in me stirred as she continued, particularly when she mentioned the First Order. An uncomfortable shiver wound its way up my spine. I didn’t ask about them. I didn’t want to know. My gut felt too weird to risk it.</p><p>              There was a muffled yelp in the back of my head. I flinched suddenly. Seane steadied me and asked if I was alright, her eyes heavy with concern as she questioned if she had hurt me somehow. I couldn’t bring myself to confide in her. How was I supposed to describe this voice to her? She did not need to know, even if she was important in this blessed scheme in the back of my head.</p><p>              “When do you return to D’Qar?” I asked, sitting up straighter as she fined with my face. I presented my hands to her.</p><p>              “In just a few days, Princess Aiene.”</p><p>              She may have tilted her face down to focus on my hands, but she could not hide the birth of her knowing grin.</p><p>              “Why do you ask, Princess Aiene?”</p><p>              I hesitated, tugging my pink lip between my teeth. I knew uncomfortably well that if my parents caught wind of my plans, they would have zero qualms in charging me with treason or some other outrageous charge.</p><p>              “Would the Resistance, perhaps, be open to taking in a princess in exchange for her loyalty and service?”</p><p>              She laughed heartily, and for a moment I was discouraged until she looked at me with glowing eyes. “Yes, Princess Aiene, they would be. I will be in contact with Leia.”</p><p> </p><p>At nine in the morning, my mother knocked on the door. I had expected her; she always arrived one hour before I left the castle for anything. I gave permission to enter despite wanting to tell her to leave me alone. I understood, though, that my days as princess were numbered, and I had an act to keep up unless I wanted to expose my personal agenda.</p><p>Her eyes were steely and cold when she stood before me, and I began to fear that she had found out somehow.</p><p>“Your father wishes to see you in his office,” she said, but her voice sounded all wrong. Her words were clipped and emotionless.</p><p>I knew she knew something. Maybe it was my outburst last night. Maybe it was my plan. But how could she have known?</p><p>“Now, Aiene.”</p><p>I nodded and sighed, keeping my face blank even though my heart was in my throat. “Yes, mother.”</p><p>I took my gown in between my thumb and forefinger. Once my mother turned her back, I rolled my eyes but followed her promptly. I had no time to waste with my departure so close, though I wished Seane had stayed longer so we could keep discussing my position with the Resistance. I could only hope that she would follow through on her end of the bargain.</p><p>As I hurried after my mother, I noticed the hallways were still dark. Something felt heavy, dark, stronger than yesterday. As I passed through the main hall, I scanned the murals over my head, knowing it might have been the last time I would ever see the historical figures painted on the ceiling—the Daughter of the Moon and her lost lover, the Son of the Sun.</p><p>My mother’s high-pitched voice filled the air, calling my name. I followed with my heart thumping wildly in my chest. This meeting could go only two ways, and that sense of danger—of <em>finally</em> having control of the reins—was dizzying.</p><p>I arrived at my father’s office door; Mother was waiting for me. I gulped, fear settling over me like the first snowfall of winter. I wondered why she stayed, wondered if she hated me so much that she wanted to see my father tell me I was going to be executed.</p><p>I knocked five times, ignoring the sting of the patterns cut into the door prodding against my knuckles, and sucked my trembling lower lip beneath my teeth. I nearly missed the sound of his permission to enter underneath the tsunami of thoughts drowning me alive.</p><p>Father sat staring at me from behind his desk, his eyes glowing red in the embers of light. I entered his office after announcing my presence. He was still basking in the eerie amber glow as he had yesterday, despite the open window above his head.</p><p>I bowed in respect for a few moments, but only because it was expected of me.</p><p>“Sit,” he commanded. His voice gave no hints.</p><p>I sat, shifting until I got as comfortable as I could possibly get underneath the weight of my anxiety.</p><p>“May I ask for what you requested my presence, Father?”</p><p>He huffed in amusement and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his desk. “You wouldn’t happen to know why the Resistance is interested in meeting you, now would you?”</p><p>He tilted his head at me, hands clasped in a white pile in front of him, his eyes staring blankly at me while simultaneously burning holes into my forehead.</p><p>That was not him asking a genuine question. Oh, no. On the contrary. Father <em>knew </em>about my plan to abandon Hayu—he had to.</p><p>My hands quaked in my lap, but I tried my best to hide it. “No, Father, I do not,” I lied, hopefully well enough to convince him I was innocent. “I know nearly nothing about the Resistance, Father. To my knowledge I have never even met a member of the Resistance. How could I have coordinated such a meeting? Perhaps they would like to create a strong bond between us, as I am set to inherit the throne next year.”</p><p>He cocked an eyebrow and sat back in his seat, glancing down at his desk for a moment. I was left begging the stars that he might believe my lies. My life depended on it.</p><p>“I will take your word for it this time.” His forest green eyes flicked upwards to meet my own. “But let me find out you lied to me. I will not hesitate to call for your execution.”</p><p>He turned to his data pad before I even had a chance to reply. My heart left my throat and returned to my ribcage. Relief crested over my body.</p><p>Thank the stars.</p><p>“In three days, they wish to meet with you on D’Qar. Arula is far closer to D’Qar than Hayu is, so you will spend three days there to begin your courtship until your flight to D’Qar. You will stay on D’Qar overnight, and then you will board a ship back to Hayu. Understood?”</p><p>“Yes, Father,” I replied, nodding while nervously fiddling with my sleeves. “Do you… Do you know the reason they wish to meet with me? I understand that, in times of galactic stress or war, it is in Hayu’s best interest that I keep some information out of their hands.”</p><p>He shook his head. “No, but I trust you have been educated enough to know what you should not reveal to the Resistance.”</p><p>“Yes, Father.”</p><p>“You are dismissed.”</p><p>I stepped out of my seat, smoothing the wrinkles of my gown before pulling it away from my feet. I padded out of his office, past my glowering mother. I wondered about the scowl she wore, perplexed about why she was so furious.</p><p>Before I could shut the door, I caught my father mentioning visitors in the castle—ones that should be kept away from me—but my shock was cut short by a body slamming into mine. I yanked the door shut before my hands flew to my jewels, checking blindly for any empy spots.</p><p>I turned to snap at the offender, but instead, I gulped, and my jaw clamped shut.</p><p>“Aiene,” he smiled brightly at me, his blue eyes glowing, the golden flecks sparkling even more despite the dim light.</p><p>There was always some light shining from his pure heart, always so ready to eat away at my violent anger and my attitude.</p><p>“Jaso!” I beamed, falling into his arms.</p><p>He pressed a kiss to my temple, and I felt the poison set in. Every bubble of happiness floating in my blood was dangerous and forsaken; we both knew that.</p><p>“Jaso, we have to talk somewhere else. Come on.”</p><p>Tugging his hand into my own, I brought him upstairs. I cursed the stars for his clunky boots we fled from out of view and earshot from my parents. He followed me willingly, his hand warm in my own, shielding me from view with his tall, muscular body.</p><p>We found ourselves in a closet at the opposite end of the castle. Our place, as it had been for years.</p><p>He could barely keep his hands off me once I shut the door. The darkness engulfed us completely, but I didn’t have to see to know he was smiling. Our lips crossed what felt like a galaxy and met in an explosion not unlike two ships crashing. Tiptoeing, I looped my arms around his neck, greeting him wordlessly. I pulled away first, moving one of my hands to cup his cheek.</p><p>“I missed you. Where have you been?” Jaso pressed his forehead against mine.</p><p>“On Hayun affairs, per usual,” I replied shortly.</p><p>“Oh, drop the royal talk,” he whined, brushing a hair behind my ear with a calloused fingertip before reaching to my left and flicking a switch.</p><p>The darkness evaporated. His eyes looked so beautiful this close.</p><p>“You know you’re not Princess Aiene with me. Just Aiene.”</p><p>I blushed and cursed at the stars for letting me do such a thing. Huffing in pretend frustration, I turned my head away, allowing my eyes to flutter to a close when his lips pressed gentle kissed over my lace collar.</p><p>The reality of my situation had never felt so real. After today, I would never see this closet again. I would never sneak Jaso into my room at night and curl up against his warm body in the vast expanse of comforters and sheets. He would never bury his face in my neck, hum nameless melodies into my ears with his sweet voice in hopes of soothing me to sleep.</p><p>“Jaso,” I called, pressing my hands against his chest. “Jaso, I have something to say.”</p><p>He pulled away, worried by my urgency, and rested his back against a metal shelf behind him. I swallowed thickly and stared at the wooden floor, sucking my lip between my teeth. The lump in my throat wouldn’t go away.</p><p>“Look, Jaso, I—can you keep a secret?”</p><p>“I’ve kept us a secret for two years.” He chuckled his velvety chuckle, the very one that drew me to him the first time.</p><p>I inhaled sharply and pushed the memory away. There was no time for girlish reminiscing, not with my shuttle leaving within the hour.</p><p>“You know I can,” Jaso continued in a hushed voice, crinkling his brow and cocking his head at a slight angle when I still didn’t speak. “Come on, Aiene. You know you can tell me anything.”</p><p>I gritted my teeth, wincing. This was going to hurt.</p><p>“I’m abandoning my royal duties in exchange for service with the Resistance,” I blurted, pushing the words into the air between us before they could scorch and cut my tongue. “I’m leaving for Arula today to meet their prince. He is courting me, and my parents expect me to marry him, but I won’t because once I get onto D’Qar, I am never coming back, Jaso.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Arrogance & Red Sand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>              I chuckled bitterly to myself, a hand coming up to wipe away a stray tear on my cheek. A hiccup caused me to jolt, and on my way out I smacked into the metal shelf Jaso had been leaning on. I deserved that pain, though, and I knew it.</p>
<p>              My decision was undeniably selfish. I knew it by the feelings that pulsed off him and by the way my heart withered in my chest. I would never forget the broken look in his eyes, how they looked like shattered stained glass.</p>
<p>              I wrestled away my tears, but my mind could only mull over the dead blue of his irises. The glow had evaporated into thin air, leaving behind only a stormy expanse. It was the last image of him I had.</p>
<p>              He had given me no opportunity to explain my motives or apologize, and I was angry. My sorrow reminded me that I didn’t deserve to be. I wanted to scream apologies at him as he walked away, but I knew I could not stop this. We both would grieve this, and there was no way around it.</p>
<p>              I let myself shed one more tear as I fled the closet and the memories that would haunt it. I hope Jaso never passed that closet. Truthfully, I hoped he would quit this job and forget I ever existed. He didn’t deserve to be in so much pain.</p>
<p>              I would deal with these frayed edges later. I had work to do and no time to cry. I found four servants packing my bags. They immediately shot upright and bowed. I greeted them quietly in Hayuaine, not knowing if my voice was reliable enough to speak loudly then.</p>
<p>              “Please, pack more clothing than that,” I ordered, taking a seat on my bed. “My trip has been extended to four days and two different planets. Please pack for all climates, as much as you can in all suitcases. I would like to be prepared. Include more than dresses too, please—sometimes it is inconvenient. Especially considering I will be on a military post for a day.”</p>
<p>              “Yes, Princess Aiene,” one servant replied. “Is there anything specific you would like us to pack, Princess Aiene?”</p>
<p>              “I have a few casual shirts and sweatshirts in the back of my closet. And my makeup, accessories, brushes, and comfortable shoes and heels as well.”</p>
<p>              I could only ask for so much before my parents were suspicious. I could only hope Coselle, my younger sister—only thirteen years old at the time—would grow to fit them. She was now next in line to rule; I hoped for her sake that they had prepared her for the possibility of succession.</p>
<p>              My thoughts were brutally murdered by a pounding in the back of my head. Immediately, I focused on the wall I built yesterday. The bricks were quaking under some force. It wanted in, whoever or whatever it was, and it was hard to resist. The pressure was immense. The throbbing blossomed behind the flowering white spots in my vision.</p>
<p>              I begged it to leave me alone, but it was relentless. Screwing my eyes shut, I rubbed my temples and tried to build another wall around its cracking predecessor.</p>
<p>              The pounding stopped, and the pressure disappeared. It had given up or been warded off. Opening my eyes, I stared at my servants and found they were looking at me in concern.</p>
<p>              I sighed and assured them I was fine. They continued their duties, and I realized there soon would be nobody to care for me except for myself. I felt suddenly unsure of myself and my plan, but I was too far along to stop now.</p>
<p>              “Princess Aiene,” the servant from earlier called.</p>
<p>              I looked up from the golden tiles, where my gaze had unknowingly fallen, and tilted my head at an angle. She shied away from my gaze visibly, her hands balling the fabric of her drag grey dress.</p>
<p>              “Your bags are packed and sent. It appears it is time for you to head to the departure bay. We await your return patiently, Princess Aiene. Have a safe trip.”</p>
<p>              “Thank you.” I smiled softly, genuinely, at them. Tears welled in my eyes even though I had known these servants for all of twenty minutes. “You four are dismissed. You have done good work. Have a pleasant day.”</p>
<p>              They scampered out of my room, leaving me to bask in the shadows of my own thoughts and anxiety.</p>
<p>              I brushed my fingers over the soft wool of the blanket I sat on, drawing patterns absentmindedly while my eyes ran over my walls. This was it. This was the end. Some part of me swelled with dread, didn’t want to leave.</p>
<p>              There would be no more Jaso. No more early mornings with servants dressing me. No more late study sessions with my instructors. No more meetings with my father in his cave of an office. No more tight-lipped smiles from my mother.</p>
<p>              “I am sorry,” I muttered to no one in particular but somehow everyone at once.</p>
<p>              I hopped off the bed and grabbed the wool blanket in my hands for a moment, debating whether I could bring it. After a moment, I wrapped it over my shoulders. No one would question me. I was still the princess.</p>
<p>              I strolled down the hall to the staircase. I took in every last bit of the castle around me, turning over every last memory. It was this hallway I met Jaso; he had been fixing the chandelier over the staircase, joking with another worker. His laugh was beautiful, and I was drawn to him like a moth is drawn to light.</p>
<p>              I passed my classroom next, and my knees oddly buckled. I had learned everything there that would make me any use to the Resistance. I saw flashes of me entering my classroom, sitting at my desk, and suddenly she was walking next to me.</p>
<p>              She was a baby then, learning to walk, running into one of the arms of a babysitter who had raised me, Mayuna. I grew into a toddler dragging a teddy bear against the floor while I stumbled into my bedroom.</p>
<p>              Then I was a child, throwing a tantrum, my nose running while tears dropped into the tiles behind me. I had always had such a temper. She looked at me with furrowed eyebrows and crossed arms before storming off.</p>
<p>              I looked in front of me and suddenly there I was, a teenager, textbooks clutched against my chest. My eyebrows were a little too thin then, plucked a little too much in an overzealous attempt to look like the models on the magazines I wasn’t supposed to be reading.</p>
<p>              I passed a wall and found myself with Jaso. It was our first kiss. My heart squeezed in retaliation. I didn’t look for long.</p>
<p>              My daydream was cut short by my mother’s shrill voice yelling my name. I rolled my eyes, knowing she was crinkling her nose at me before I even saw her.</p>
<p>              I scampered down the stairs and snuggled into the wool blanket. She waited for me by the door, her raven black curls almost entirely concealed by the darkness around her. I was right; she was frowning at me.</p>
<p>              “Any later and you won’t make it to Arula on time. Go,” she nagged.</p>
<p>              “Yes, Mother.”</p>
<p>              I rolled my eyes, almost wishing I would arrive late just to piss her and the Arulan royalty off.</p>
<p>              A pang of fear ripped through my body as my hand lingered on the door handle. If this went wrong, our planets would go to war. If the Resistance could not keep me, I would be charged with treason and executed publicly.</p>
<p>              My mortality had never felt so fragile.</p>
<p>              I hoped walking through these doors was not signing my death certificate.</p>
<p>              “Aiene,” my mother urged. “Go. Now.”</p>
<p>              My eyes squeezed shut, a sigh falling from my lips as I disappeared behind the door. The pilot stood outside the ship waiting for me, and he gave me a polite smile when he saw me. I returned the gesture, wondering why they bothered with a pilot when they knew I could fly myself. It was one of the few hobbies they allowed me to have.</p>
<p>              Blaming it on mistrust, I made my way into the ship, inhaling the sharp scent of metal and leather. The lights were blinding. I squinted, looking around despite my blurry vision.</p>
<p>              They had chosen an unmarked ship rather than the typical transported used to carry me across the planet. I settled into a leather seat, squirming in hopes of getting comfortable. My anxiety was too much—the pressure was physically heavy.</p>
<p>              The pilot’s voice rang from the speakers, startling me. The ship groaned as it lifted from the ground, and had it not been for the seatbelt, I would have been ripped from my seat like a ragdoll.</p>
<p>              My eyes were glued to the large window next to my head, eyes widening in awe and fear as the mountains grew smaller and smaller. My problems felt so puny then, the possibility of my impending execution almost lackluster.</p>
<p>              The mountains waved goodbye to me, their snowy tips almost like a crystal tear drop. The lush forests blended into one solid green expanse, and the castle taunted me, watching me no matter how high I soared. The grey pointed ceilings seemed to stretch endlessly into the sky after me, like they were trying to grab my ankles and yank me back.</p>
<p>              I settled back into my seat, knowing they could not touch me. I was not meant to be a princess or a queen. The stars had made a mistake. I was just correcting their wrongdoing.</p>
<p>              As the ship continued to drift through drift through the atmosphere, there was a moment of intense pounding, so intense that I barely registered the heavy clunking of footsteps toward the pilot’s cabin. I wondered if this was a headache or if asteroids were pelting into my skull. My vision went fuzzy, gray smeared around the edges.</p>
<p>              I cradled my head in my hands, curling my hair around my fingers.</p>
<p>              Why was I trying to justify this? The thought was forced out.</p>
<p>              “You know what you’re doing is wrong,” the voice remarked. “You know your powers are better used elsewhere. You know nothing about the Resistance or the Republic. There is power in you. You know you are giving it to the wrong place.”</p>
<p>              I shot up in my seat, gasping and panting in agony. How had it pushed past the wall? How had I not known beforehand? I shook and gnawed on my lower lip, feeling a bead of sweat drip down my nose.</p>
<p>              “Who or what are you?!”</p>
<p>              “Someone powerful,” it responded. “Someone who knows the Resistance and their ideologies far better than you could ever hope to. I could help you harness your power. I could make you stronger. I could be your teacher.”</p>
<p>              “Get out of my head!” I snarled, rocking back and forth in my seat. The headache was not letting up at all. “This is my decision to make. I don’t need to know what you know. Leave me alone.”</p>
<p>              The voice must have shot back into the depths. There was no reply. I found myself smoothing the cracks and strengthening my wall, likening it to Hayun ore, one of the strongest metals in the galaxy. Metaphorically, of course. Whatever this was.</p>
<p>              Gradually, the headache let up, but my anger was still burning, and I wanted to cry. I couldn’t, and I knew that. I cast my gaze out the window, only to be greeted by the sticky, all-consuming darkness of outer space. Hayu was still behind us then, its testimonies against my traitorous affairs drowned out by the boom of the engine in the few moments before we jumped into light speed.</p>
<p>              I thought of Jaso then. The way the stars twinkled reminded me of the soft shimmer in Jaso’s eyes; I had always likened them to the night sky. My heart clenched in my chest, yearning to feel his fingertips drawing absentminded patterns on my shoulders. I would have done anything for that comfort then. It was only a matter of time before there was no trace of Jaso left in my system.</p>
<p>              There was just something about Jaso, something built into him that I just knew the stars put them to enamor me. He was so <em>good</em>, so encased in an angelic light that I did not think there was a darkness in the world that could smother him. Well, until my departure did. I worried he would lose himself in his agony and fall victim to the whispers in his head that his pain would plant there. Some part of me had faith he would be fine in a few months. The rest of me knew Jaso would never be so pure again.</p>
<p>              Time dragged by on snapped wings. It was just me in the shuttle, but I could not so much as cry. I had a role to play. I could only hope there would be time for tears later.</p>
<p>              Staring blankly ahead, body hunched forward in my seat, head cradled in my hands, I was vaguely aware of a dull pain that had taken refuge in my body, but I could not pinpoint the source. Maybe it was my chest, where my heart lay gasping for air, but perhaps it was my feet, where shards of Jaso’s glass heart lay buried into my flesh.</p>
<p>              I stole Jaso’s light. The sin tied to those words was metallic in my mouth.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              It was just before ten in the morning Arulan time when I arrived, but the three golden suns were already high in the bluest, clearest sky I had ever seen in my life. The heat was stifling, so hot and sticky that I feared it would melt away my makeup or the glue beneath my jewels.</p>
<p>              After stepping out of the shuttle, an older man I assumed was one of the Christandreh’s butlers looped his arm with mine and led me through the tall, white iron gates and into the castle. The gesture made me crinkle my nose, but out of respect for their customs, I allowed it.</p>
<p>              Once the doors parted, I was hit with a scent so sweet that it made my stomach lurch in protest. It was unidentifiable, but I picked up hints of something sugary and lavender.</p>
<p>              The man at my elbow led me down a long hallway, pulling me so swiftly that I couldn’t focus on much else other than the light from the chandeliers overhead bouncing off the black marble tile, which I suspected was fake. It looked almost like my feet were treading on an entire galaxy.</p>
<p>              Their castle was nothing compared to my family’s; that much was clear as I was yanked through it. There was little detail anywhere, very few expressions of their wealth. For how arrogant my parents had made the Christandreh family out to be, they had little to brag about. I was still sure their tiles were fake marble. The walls were a light grey—lackluster compared to the rich wine walls of our main hallway—and had no art anywhere. I thought I spotted a chipped step on their staircase, even.</p>
<p>              I had never missed the castle as much as I had then. For a moment, I considered abandoning the Resistance before I had even made a commitment. I couldn’t, though, and I knew that; it was tempting in the way only bad decisions could be. I could not throw away this opportunity over something as trivial as the mural in the main hallway.</p>
<p>              No matter what happened, Princess Aiene was going to die at the hands of Aiene Yeuthorne. That was all there was to it. I couldn’t allow regret or hypotheticals to murder Aiene Yeuthorne first.</p>
<p>              Abruptly, the man released my arm, relieving me of my thoughts. I thanked him, grateful Arulans spoke Basic as well, for I could not muster an expression of gratitude in Arulanh after the thoughts I had. He ushered me into the room, shutting the door behind me with a final <em>click</em>.</p>
<p>              A woman no older than my mother, all bright red curls and steely grey eyes, rose from her seat and rushed to me, pulling me into a hug. I stiffened before returning the hug, slinging my arms awkwardly around her body.</p>
<p>              Arulan customs are so weird, I thought, faking a bright smile at the woman who I assumed to be the queen.</p>
<p>              “Ah, Princess Aiene!” She took both of my hands in her own, a gummy smile perched on her face. “It is so nice to finally meet you! I can only imagine how long you must have been waiting to meet us. You must have been so excited to meet Prince Solenh.” I almost laughed at her blatant arrogance, sinking my teeth into my lip to bite back a chuckle. “I’m Enidh.”</p>
<p>              “It is very nice to meet you, Queen Enidh,” I responded with a voice sweeter than honey, a charming smile plastered on my lips. None of it was genuine.</p>
<p>              “Come, let me introduce you to the family,” she gushed, taking my hand and guiding me further into the room.</p>
<p>              I almost tripped, my heels digging into the cream carpeting, eyes nearly squinting shut when the sunlight streaming in through a transparisteel wall lit up my face. She stood me before a tall, muscular man with curly blonde hair and gentle brown eyes.</p>
<p>              “This is my husband, Turinh.”</p>
<p>              I gave him a curtsy while biting back an eye roll at myself. “It is my pleasure to meet you, King Turinh.”</p>
<p>              He took my hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. It was an Arulan gesture for stars-knew-what, and he did not mean it to nauseate me, though I definitely felt slightly sick to my stomach anyway. He did not say anything to me, only dropped my hand.</p>
<p>              Enidh took the hand he dropped and shuffled me toward a loveseat, where a male and a female were sitting. The male inherited his father’s blonde curls and his mother’s soft facial features, as well as her grey eyes. His were far, far colder, though—like a blizzard during Hayu’s winter—but the fire burning in his pupils was not unnoticed.</p>
<p>              “This is Solenh.” She beamed at me. “You are so lucky to become engaged to him tonight. The women of Arula would absolutely <em>kill </em>to be in your position. They fawn over him, you see. And of course, I am sure you see why.”</p>
<p>              I bit back a snort. If they wanted to marry Solenh so bad, they were welcome to do so. I surely was not going to.</p>
<p>              “Princess Aiene Yeuthorne,” I greeted, smiling softly and bending to curtsy, only to have Solenh’s hand grip my shoulder. I looked up, feigning ignorance, as if I did not already know he was going to try to kiss me. I turned away at the last second, pretending to cough. “Sorry, Prince. The shuttle was quite chilly. I would hate to give you a cold.”</p>
<p>              He laughed, almost mockingly. The sound was an icepick in my eardrum. “You are beautiful, Princess, even when sick.” He brushed hair out of my eyes, and bile rose in my throat. “I have never seen a woman as astonishing.”</p>
<p>              “Thank you, Prince.”</p>
<p>              The lack of distance between us was making me uncomfortable.</p>
<p>              By the grace of the stars, Queen Enidh seemed to sense that, and she nudged me over a few inches. “This is our youngest daughter, Aeponinh.”</p>
<p>              She was young, only about ten years old, almost a carbon copy of her mother. Her curls were far more untamed, though, framing large, compassionate grey eyes.</p>
<p>              “Hi, Princess Aiene.” She hopped off the couch and enveloped me in a hug, coming up to only the bottom of my hip.</p>
<p>              I bent down to return her hug. “Hi, Princess Aeponinh.” I genuinely smiled at her. “It’s nice to meet you, sweetie. How old are you?”</p>
<p>              “Nine,” she replied, eyes widening at the jewels on my gown, face, and hands, before rejoining her brother on the couch.</p>
<p>              I returned to my full height. Craning my neck, I looked at Queen Enidh, unsure of what to do besides stand. I evaded Solenh’s gaze; I knew he was staring at me shamelessly.</p>
<p>              “Princess Aiene,” Queen Enidh called, looking over at me.</p>
<p>              “Please, just call me Aiene. I will be family, after all.” I smiled through gritted teeth and wondered briefly if finding such enjoyment in the lie I was living was inappropriate.</p>
<p>              “Aiene,” she repeated. “Why don’t you and Solenh get to know each other?”</p>
<p>              I ground my teeth against each other, forcing a smile onto my face, but it never reached my eyes. “That sounds lovely, Queen Enidh.”</p>
<p>              He wasted no time, rising from his seat and grabbing my hand. I flinched, clearly startled, and I was appalled to see he did not even bother to send me an apologetic glance. Swallowing my anger, I laced our fingers together and pulled the fabric of my dress away from the floor. He led me out of the room quickly, and I struggled to keep up.</p>
<p>              “Prince Solenh, where are we going?” I questioned after a moment, losing count of how many twists and turns we had taken.</p>
<p>              “There is a room where my family will not bother us,” he replied, dragging me even further into the apparent maze hidden in his castle. He stopped after some time, turning to face me. “Ladies first.”</p>
<p>              I pushed the door open and found myself in a large room that was similar to the one we had just left, only the large transparisteel window let me view the courtyard instead. I marveled at all the flowers and vegetation; there was hardly any space where some green had not invaded, and I wondered how that was possible.</p>
<p>              “So, Princess Aiene,” he called, his voice drawing me from my stupor. “Tell me about yourself.”</p>
<p>              I blinked and looked at him from over my shoulder, hands still pressed against the transparisteel. I was surprised he even cared. Perhaps the rumored arrogance of his parents had not been passed down to him. “What do you wish to know?”</p>
<p>              “Well,” he began, plopping onto a couch, arms outstretched behind him. “You could tell me about your culture. I think it is quite off that you wear so many jewels. It seems wasteful. Thankfully my ancestors were smart enough to not do something like that.”</p>
<p>              My eye twitched. The dragon laying within me awoke, spewing smoke and fire from its mouth. I felt I would do the same thing if I unclenched my jaw. Digging my nails into my palms, I sucked in a breath and exhaled through my nose, imagining my nails were sinking into his arm instead.</p>
<p>              “The jewels represent prosperity and peace on Hayu.” I bit back an insult. “All members of royalty wear them to express the wealth and greatness Hayu has experienced. With how small the gems are, it takes very little ore to craft them. It is not a waste, and I would appreciate it if you did not treat my culture as such.”</p>
<p>              “Fiesty,” he remarked, sitting up straighter. “Come here.” His eyes trailed up and down my figure, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. “You seem so knowledgeable, but I would rather find out what else your mouth is good for.”</p>
<p>              I inhaled sharply and balled my hands into fists at my sides. “<em>Prince Solenh,</em>” I scolded, feeling my entire body quake with anger. “I do believe I deserve some respect.”</p>
<p>              “For what?” He laughed bitterly. “You’re merely going to be my fiancée. What could you possibly deserve respect for?”</p>
<p>              I sucked in another breath of air through clenched teeth, the sound an audible hiss. “I am the <em>princess </em>of Hayu, and I am set to rule the planet in just one year.”</p>
<p>              I stormed away from the window and paced back and forth behind the couch he sat on, grinding my teeth together while I sorted my words in my head.</p>
<p>              “You know, Prince. I am here only to marry you as a measure of keeping peace. It would be a shame if war were to break out, but I am the one who determines if that happens. Hayu is full of resources, Prince, and I am sure you know that. If I walk out of here and decide you are not worthy of my hand in marriage, do you know what would happen?”</p>
<p>              He said nothing, but I sensed an amusement of sorts.</p>
<p>              “It means you will have caused the death of millions just by disrespecting me. Hayu would absolutely crush Arula beneath its feet. There would not even be much of a fight. I know your economy is hanging by a thread—would you even be able to sustain a military? I would rethink whether I deserve your respect. <em>You </em>need <em>me</em>, Prince. Do not get it twisted.”</p>
<p>              He was silent for a moment more, but just as I thought I had won, he opened his mouth and retorted, “You say this as if your words have consequences. We both know your parents would not listen to you, sweetheart. You are just a girl.”</p>
<p>              Solenh turned to face me suddenly, resting his forearms on the back of the couch. His face was very boyish. It was a shame his personality was so ugly.</p>
<p>              “I will treat you as I see fit. You are my fiancée after all. Now come here and sit on my lap, and I will help you out of that expensive dress.”</p>
<p>              I gagged visibly, cupping my mouth as if I were to actually vomit. For a moment, I thought I would. “Prince Solenh! I will not do such a thing until marriage.”</p>
<p>              That was a lie, but he did not need to know that.</p>
<p>              “We will marry.”</p>
<p>              “But we are not married yet. The promise of marriage is meaningless. Give it one year. Wait that long for me.”</p>
<p>              I sat next to him, figuring that if I downgrade to a mindless marionette that he may just be less idiotic.</p>
<p>              “You can do that for me, can’t you, Prince? Wait one year.”</p>
<p>              Immediately, he replied, “I will wait one year.”</p>
<p>              I was confused by the robotic tone of his voice, but I did not mind it. I smiled brightly, expressing gratitude to the stars rather than to the noodle-haired swine besides me. “Thank you, Prince. I will be the best fiancée in the meantime. This I swear.”</p>
<p>              He smiled softly at me, cocking an eyebrow. “I asked about you, Princess.”</p>
<p>              The grin was wiped off my lips immediately. I shivered, not liking what he was insinuating. “Asked about me?”</p>
<p>              “I looked you up. You have quite the track record. You are just so innocent, but men seem to think you are quite the tease.” He trailed a finger up and down my arm, and I thanked the stars he did not actually touch my skin. “I have seen you on magazine covers. I have seen your interviews. I know you will make a beautiful queen. Our children will be the most beautiful in the entire galaxy.”</p>
<p>              I gagged again, disgusted by his fixation on my beauty. I was <em>more </em>than a princess, this I knew—it would be clear one day, once I lost my title.</p>
<p>              I sputtered, desperate to move away from his obsession. “Uh, tell me about yourself, Prince.”</p>
<p>              His face began to glow. Of course it would—the man with the social abilities of a half-chewed pencil would of course be excited about any excuse to brag about himself. I prayed to the stars for strength to get through his gloating without decking him in the face.</p>
<p>              He rattled off his entire life story and every miniscule accomplishment. He was far too desperate to please me. Undeniably he was attractive, but his beauty did not override his arrogance.</p>
<p>              The door opened suddenly, and Queen Enidh popped her head in through the door. “Are you hungry, Aiene? It is time for brunch. Or would you rather stay a while more with Solenh?”</p>
<p>              “Oh, uh, no,” I replied meekly, ever conscious of the act I was keeping up. “I’m quite hungry, Queen Enidh. I have not eaten since dinner last night.”</p>
<p>              “Oh, stars, Aiene!” She hurried in and practically yanked me away from the couch. “You need to eat, child. You are already so small as it is. Do your parents not feed you? Oh my, do not worry, Aiene. You will be fed quite well here.”</p>
<p>              I was hardly listening. I let her tug me down the hallway in her iron grip. Her busy banter was far more bearable than the shit Solenh made me listen to. He was practically foaming at the mouth with arrogance.</p>
<p>              I shook my head at myself, sighing quietly. How was I going to manage staying here for two more days?</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              It truly was a wonder that I lasted so long. As cheerful as the rest of the Christandrehs were, they were extremely overbearing, and Solenh pestered me so often that I nearly ripped out every strand of hair on my head.</p>
<p>              I could not even sleep in peace; the bedroom they put me in was next to Solenh’s and had the thinnest walls. I heard every last forsaken snore. The mattress was lumpy, and the room was ice cold. Somehow the blankets were almost thinner than the dress I wore when I arrived. I had to curl up in one of Jaso’s old sweatshirts and a pair of thick sweatpants, but I still found my body wracked with shivers every night.</p>
<p>              I wanted to toss the ring Solenh handed to me the first night out of the window, but I knew that meant putting millions of lives at risk. It was beautifully crafted, at least, but it did nothing to distract me from my annoyance. I almost felt bad, given that they put so much money into crafting such a gorgeous ring, particularly with their economy on the road to a damning collapse, but I suppose they could pawn it when I disappeared. I was not going to take it to D’Qar with me, no way.</p>
<p>              After the first night, I was dragged on a tour of Arula, apparently to get to know the planet I was going to aid in ruling—as if Solenh would ever let me do anything than sit and look pretty on the throne. It was unbearably hot, the air sticky and humid.</p>
<p>              My silky hair was beginning to frizz in such conditions; I must have looked like a poor excuse for a princess. Sweat was pouring from my skin, but at least I was regaining some of my color. The tour took up both of the days I had left, leaving me covered in a fine layer of red sand and a thick coating of sweat. I had never been so thankful for an ice-cold shower in my life.</p>
<p>              I was beginning to think that perhaps someone should do the galaxy a favor and evacuate the entire planet before blowing it up. No one deserved to suffer in such hellish, relentless heat, particularly when half the residents had little access to water. As princess of Hayu, I deserved better than Arula, but I could not admit that to them.</p>
<p>              When asked how I found the tour, I said through gritted teeth that it was delightful.</p>
<p>              I exited the bathroom outside of my bedroom, a thick towel wrapped tightly around my body. Something felt wrong; my side felt pinched. It took me a moment to sense a presence—it was masculine, gross.</p>
<p>              “Prince Solenh,” I warned, tensing my muscles. “With all due respect, if you attempt to remove my towel, I will have your arm broken in six different places before you can even blink.”</p>
<p>              He laughed his trademark laugh, like nails on a chalkboard, jogging to keep up with me as I stormed away. “I’m your fiancé, why can’t I see what’s under that towel?”</p>
<p>              Before I could stop myself, my free hand whipped around and collided with his pale cheek. “I demand respect, Prince Solenh. It takes more self-control than you could ever dream of having to put up with you. If I deserve respect for anything, it is that.”</p>
<p>              “Aw, come on!” He called after me, rubbing his reddening cheek. “Don’t be like that. You are lucky I even look at you. Women would kill to have me look at them, and here you are, engaged to me? Shouldn’t you be grateful?”</p>
<p>              “They can have you for all I care, you uncultured, noodle-haired, arrogant, disrespectful, sexist <em>pig</em>!”</p>
<p>              My remark was followed by a whole novel of insults in Hayuaine. I was no longer concerned with the lives I put at risk. My shuttle would leave for D’Qar in a few hours; my princess duties were nearly finished. I hoped Prince Solenh and Arula both would burn.</p>
<p>              I was trembling with rage when I finally took a seat at the small vanity, my fingers barely able to hold a brush. It took me a moment to realize I was clenching my jaw so hard.</p>
<p>              Solenh did not bother me after that. He did not even come to bid me goodbye when I boarded the shuttle. I did not mind.</p>
<p>              Queen Enidh was besides herself when I stepped foot on the ramp, enveloping me in a bone-crushing hug. Her tears dripped onto the sea of diamonds covering the shoulders of my crimson gown.</p>
<p>              “Come back soon!” she hollered as I took a seat. The ramp began to raise, drowning her voice out. “I know you’ll miss us, and we will miss you, too!”</p>
<p>              I snorted and rolled my eyes, relaxing in my seat. “Fuck Arula.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Treason</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I knew next to nothing about D’Qar. It was in the Outer Rim, that much I knew, and it was the verdant planet on which the Resistance base resided.</p><p>              Home. It would be my new home. If I played my cards right, at least.</p><p>              I still did not know how the Resistance planned on keeping me from returning to Hayu; no one had reached out to me to suggest anything. Could they even have reached me on Arula? I prayed they had a plan.</p><p>              The flight to D’Qar was difficult. I still found my mind wandering to Hayu, wondering if I would ever step foot on Hayun soil again. I struggled knowing that I was abandoning my people and everything I had ever worked for. I was a <em>traitor</em>.</p><p>              And how did Jaso feel about this secret of ours? Had he grown to resent me? Was he hurting, feeling abandoned? Had he quit his job at the castle? Was he moving on?</p><p>              I prayed he would just allow my memory to disintegrate, to die with me. He would find happiness again. So would I. But I knew Jaso. His love for me was intertwined with the very fibers of his being; there was no telling where his love for me ended and where he began. He defined himself by his love for the princess, and by leaving, perhaps I had left him without any definition at all.</p><p>              I hissed at myself to stop. Loved him as I might have, it would not stop what I had put into motion. It would not help me survive. I tried to convince myself that he loved the <em>princess</em>, not me, but I knew that was not true. He loved me regardless of what he called me.</p><p>              My heart sunk. I was still teary-eyed when the shuttle entered D’Qar’s atmosphere. My grip tightened on my wool blanket, pulling it tighter around my shoulders. I shifted nervously in my seat, squeezing my lower lip between my teeth. I told myself there would be time to think of Jaso later, and I tucked his memory away.</p><p>              It was a shaky descent into the hangar, bumping me around in my small seat. I prayed that it did not disturb any of the opals and diamonds on my hands and face.</p><p>              Upon landing, I stood and smoothed out my dress, starting with the wall of lace around my neck and the sea of rubies along the train of my dress. The doors to the shuttle slid open, revealing a ramp and what felt like an ocean of bustling people beyond it.</p><p>              There was a man standing not far from where the shuttle had landed. He was dressed in pilot garb, his dark brown hair combed neatly, pink lips curved into a small smile. He had a small, orange and white droid beeping beside him.</p><p>              Furrowing my brows, I made my way to the doors and stood in the doorframe for the moment, eyes scanning the hangar for any threats before I descended the stairs. I nudged a strand of hair out of my face, shielding my eyes from the flashing lights of the press.</p><p>              The waiting pilot grinned—good, he was friendly—and hurried towards me. I returned the smile, one hand outstretched, trying to look friendly for the cameras. We shook hands, that was all. I was unsure what the customs were here, but judging by his unwavering smile, I had done something correctly.</p><p>              He asked if I spoke Basic in heavily accented Hayuaine, and it was so butchered that it took me a moment to comprehend what he had said. I blinked a couple of times out of confusion and because of the endless flashes of cameras.</p><p>              “Of course,” I replied, a small chuckle pushing past my lips. “Princess Aiene Yeuthorne of Hayu. It is a pleasure to meet you.”</p><p>              “Poe Dameron,” he replied sheepishly, as if he knew that I found his Hayuaine to be almost incomprehensible. “And this is BB-8.”</p><p>              I squatted and smiled at the cute droid, reaching out to pat his dome. “Hi, BB-8.”</p><p>              He replied with a happy string of pips and beeps, rolling a bit closer to me.</p><p>              “It is a pleasure to meet you, Princess Aiene. We are honored to host the princess of Hayu.”</p><p>              Pleased, I stood again and cleared my throat. “Well, actually, Mr. Dameron—”</p><p>              “Poe. Call me Poe.”</p><p>              “<em>Poe</em>, uh…” I dropped my voice to a whisper. “I’m not sure if whoever organized this meeting informed you, but I hoped to no longer be a princess at the end of this.”</p><p>              “Oh, that’s <em>you</em>?” He gaped, his brows rising in surprise. “Leia wanted to speak with you anyway, but she’ll definitely want to see you immediately. I will bring you to her.”</p><p>              Poe took my hand, and oddly I did not mind it. I groaned internally, though, knowing damn well that the press would create some insane lie. It would make it back to my parents and back to Solenh for sure. I could see it now: <em>Princess Aiene seen cheating on fiancé Prince Solenh with Resistance pilot</em>.</p><p>              I was so distracted by my thoughts that I did not realize Poe had whisked me off to an uncrowded hallway. He knocked twice—odd, considering it was custom to knock five times on Hayu—which pulled me from the black hole of my thoughts. The door opened quite quickly after that, revealing a meeting room with an oval table and chairs.</p><p>              The woman was short, not even coming to my chin in height—not in these heels—with graying brown hair swept into a pretty updo. Her eyes were dark, both in color and feeling; she had seen too much, lived through too much. She smiled at me, but I focused more on the pain and worry retreating into the slight wrinkles and lines of her aging face. I figured she was about my mother’s age, if not slightly older, but the years had been kind to her. Experience had not.</p><p>              “Ah, Princess Aiene of Hayu,” she greeted, smiling both to me and to the daring journalists who had followed us. “It is nice to finally meet you. Congratulations on your engagement.”</p><p>              I twitched at that, my smile faltering for just a moment. “It is my pleasure to meet you, General Organa. May I enter?”</p><p>              “Of course.” She stepped side, making room for me to pass.</p><p>              I could feel her eyes on my gown, but I knew she was the Princess of Alderaan once; surely, she had at least seen a gown like this. I wondered if she had worked with my parents in their youth.</p><p>              “Do you mind if Poe and BB-8 stay?”</p><p>              “Not at all,” I replied, my eyes sweeping the room in front of me before turning, hands clasped together in front of me. “I am sure he’s curious. If you trust Poe, General Organa, I do as well. And I have taken quite a liking to BB-8. He’s cute.”</p><p>              I stayed standing until she shut the doors, my fingers fiddling with the hem of my sleeves. It was custom to not sit until invited on Hayu, and though I had already seen this was a far more casual environment, I still felt unsure.</p><p>              “Sit,” she ordered, smiling and taking a seat across the table from me, perhaps sensing my discomfort. I did as she said, taking a set besides Poe. “What brings you to the Resistance, Princess Aiene? Seane did inform me of your intentions. We are more than ready to welcome you.”</p><p>              “I am glad we are on the same page.” I sat up straight, tucking a strand of raven hair behind my hair. “It is true, what Seane said. I would prefer to abandon my royal duties.”</p><p>              The general and Poe both raise their eyebrows.</p><p>              “I have found that my father tends to control my life and affairs far more than I have ever been comfortable with. I am set to rule in one year but waiting this out is out of the question now that they wish to marry me off to Prince Solenh of Arula as a measure of enacting peace. He is the most insufferable male I have ever met.”</p><p>              They laugh genuinely, but I only let out a tiny, sad chuckle.</p><p>              “I do not know of any better way to use my expertise. I am a highly influential princess, and though my parents would promptly charge me with treason and have me executed should they ever find out, I remain a woman of many useful connections.”</p><p>              Her eyebrows raised, the corners of her lips twitching. “You wish to abandon your home planet for the Resistance?”</p><p>              “Not <em>for</em> the Resistance, General Organa,” I corrected hesitantly. “I hoped the Resistance would allow me a chance to do some good in my life, the way being a ruler would, without actually ruling. I am not suited for governing others. I believe the stars made a mistake. And, as I said previously, I seek control over my own destiny. I would be honored should the Resistance decide that it wishes to provide that to me.”</p><p>              There was a brief moment of silence. Poe’s eyes were on me—I had an uncanny ability to sense that by then—almost shamelessly, but I couldn’t blame him. Many had said they had never seen a woman like me before, and he was essentially harmless. I sensed goodness in him, much like Jaso. I hoped no one would stomp the light out of him.</p><p>              The longer Leia went without speaking, the more pregnant the silence became. I beat my lower lip into a pulp with my teeth, fighting back the tremors that threatened to stir my hands. She stared at me intently, her warm brown eyes searching my face—for what? Infidelity? Sincerity? Whatever she was looking for, I wouldn’t give it to her. I had nothing to hide, but I would not be so dumb as to risk it.</p><p>              “Princess Aiene,” she began, reaching across the table to take both of my hands into her own. She seemed hesitant, worried that she might scare me away. “Do you know what the Force is?”</p><p>              Poe’s jaw dropped. “Do you really—”</p><p>              “Let her speak.”</p><p>              I tilted my head at an angle, brows furrowed. “Of course I know. My parents felt it was important sort of thing to educate me about. May I ask for the reason behind your inquiry?”</p><p>              “I have reason to believe you are Force sensitive,” she replied, sitting back into her chair. The worry melted away from her face. “I can sense it in you.”</p><p>              I sat frozen in my seat, my wide eyes saying everything I could not. I did not bother to hide it. <em>I </em>was Force sensitive? That had to be some sort of joke, a ploy to ensure I did not change my mind—</p><p>              “It’s not,” she said firmly, cutting into my thoughts. She seemed almost offended that I would consider her capable of such a thing. I flinched, confused how she knew what I was thinking. “First things first, you are to be taught to stop projecting. It will prove useful to you.”</p><p>              Oh, that’s what it was.</p><p>              I wondered exactly what her words meant. It seemed like she already knew what my greater purpose was. Perhaps she did.</p><p>              “Does this mean I am staying?”</p><p>              “Of course it does, Dear.” Leia smiled softly at me before turning to Poe. “Do you mind showing Aiene to her quarters?”</p><p>              “Of course not.” He stood, offering his hand to me. I blinked at him, ready to frown. “I take it that relationships on Hayu are rather formal. It’s okay to drop that mentality. We’re all friends here.”</p><p>              We’re all friends here? That was a concept I couldn’t wrap my mind around then.</p><p>              I smiled at him. “Thank you, Poe.”</p><p>              I took his outstretched hand in my own and allowed him to lead me out of the room and down the hallway. My eyes fell to a squint as we passed the journalists once more.</p><p>              I thanked the stars that the base was at least warm while I followed Poe and his droid through a crowded area. Swarms of people buzzed past us, and the incessant flashing of cameras disappeared entirely. Everyone looked so busy.</p><p>              As we took a sharp turn and moved down another hallway, I realized we had never discussed what I would be doing here, but Leia seemed as if she knew. It irked me a little to know she was withholding information from me.</p><p>              The hallway was mostly empty, except for a couple of people passing through, each of them greeting Poe and flashing me a polite smile. They expressed their awe with their eyes rather than their jaws. I didn’t know how to feel about that.</p><p>              Poe pulled a card from his pocket and unlocked the door, slipping it into my small hands afterwards.</p><p>              “Your room, Princess Aiene,” he said dramatically, holding the door open for me. “I know it’s no castle, but I hope it still meets your needs, Princess.”</p><p>              I chuckled softly. “You can drop the title, Poe. I am not much of a princess now that I have abandoned Hayu.”</p><p>              There was silence for a moment. I suddenly felt very out of place with my face and hands covered in jewels. Perhaps that was why he kept staring. I wondered if he had ever seen Hayun royalty before. With the way he was looking at me, I doubted it.</p><p>              “I must be so weird,” I began, shaking my head in amusement. “I know I look out of place. It’s my culture. Most people probably do not come here in royal dress like I have.”</p><p>              He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, laughing softly. “Culture or not, you look beautiful. It really is our honor to have you. If you are as influential as you say, we are extremely indebted to you.”</p><p>              BB-8 let out a string of beeps and high-pitched noises, which I assumed served as his agreement.</p><p>              I nodded once, feeling more at home here than I had ever felt on Hayu.</p><p>              “I am indebted to the Resistance for taking me in. I meant it when I said I was not supposed to rule.” I plopped down into a small chair, peering up at him. “I assume you have work to do. Pilot things, correct?”</p><p>              “Ah, yeah, I probably should be going.” Poe played with the hem of his vest, smiling nervously at me. “I’ll be back later with a couple of friends. Leia wishes to meet with you again later.” Poe walked to the door but before leaving cleared his throat and said, “I’ll be here around dinner time, ‘Ene. Leia wants to see you first, but we’ll grab something to eat right after. Okay?”</p><p>              I nodded in agreement, smiling a charming grin at him. He retreated into the hallway after a moment. BB-8 zoomed after him, the sound of his beeps dampening the further away they got.</p><p>              Rest in peace, Princess Aiene, I thought, and long live ‘Ene.</p><p>-----</p><p>              Poe arrived at seven at night D’Qar time. The sun had already disappeared almost entirely over the horizon, letting my room bathe in darkness.</p><p>              By then I had already allowed myself to cry over Jaso. My eyes were still puffy when I opened the door. Poe noted by change of attire—I felt suffocated and homesick in that gown. I did not mind his stare considering how lackluster my current cotton shorts, white tank top, and oversized cardigan were in comparison. His entire expression fell when he noticed my swollen eyes.</p><p>              “Hey, are you alright?” He leaned against the doorway, his brown eyes molten with worry.</p><p>              “Fine,” I choked out. “Just a little homesick.”</p><p>              Poe looked at me, eyes rampant with disbelief.</p><p>              “Don’t worry about me,” I insisted. “This is nothing new. Just feels surreal that I’ll never go home again. It’s harder to cope with than I expected initially because I left someone behind.”</p><p>              “You’re sure you’re alright?”</p><p>              “I will be. Shit happens.”</p><p>              Poe laughed softly, gently punching my shoulder. “The princess seems to have disappeared.”</p><p>              I was almost offended, but his grin convinced me otherwise.</p><p>              “Hey, if you’re done flirting, we’d like to meet her,” joked an unfamiliar female behind Poe.</p><p>              His cheeks flushed crimson before he scooted out of the way. Clearing his throat, he gestured to the girl who had spoken. Her lips were curled into a friendly smile, and her dark brown hair was swept out of her tiny face into three buns on the back of her head.</p><p>              “Hi, you must be <em>‘Ene</em>.” She said the nickname teasingly, her face contorting into a facial expression I could not interpret in Poe’s direction. “Poe wouldn’t shut up about how pretty you were.” She stuck out her tongue at him, and he gasped in horror in response. “I’m Rey.”</p><p>              “Hi,” I greeted, returning her smile before noticing another male, who was just as handsome as Poe but with beautiful dark skin and eyes. “Who…?”</p><p>              “Finn,” he finished, holding out his hand to let me shake it. “Nice to meet you, too. I get Poe calls you ‘Ene, but what is your actual name?”</p><p>              “Aiene Yeuthorne, but you may also call me ‘Ene. There is no need for formalities now. I do not mind,” I replied, leaning against the wall, draping a section of hair back over my shoulder.</p><p>              There was silence for a moment, but it was not tense. I had never had friends before, so I did not know how to fill it. The only person I had let that close to me was Jaso, but even then, he got close to Princess Aiene, not Aiene. Aiene had never had friends, as much as Jaso would insist he loved the woman behind the title. How could he even tell where Princess Aiene ended and Aiene began? Even I did not know.</p><p>              “We should probably get going,” said Finn. “The press will have cleared out by now.”</p><p>              I nodded curtly and pushed my hands into the pockets of my cardigan, hesitating for just a moment more before walking out the door. Rey whispered something to Finn, causing my eye to twitch. I hated secrets.</p><p>              Poe situated himself so close to me that our shoulders brushed. Rey and Finn trailed a few steps behind us. His proximity bothered me, even though I knew it shouldn’t have. No one on Hayu would dare walk so close to the princess.</p><p>              Poe’s hand even brushed mine every so often, sending a confusing jolt of electricity up my arm. I did not know what to make of the things I was feeling.</p><p>              He and I exchanged words every so often, but what was there to say? Congrats on being Force sensitive? Congrats on now being one of the Resistance’s most powerful weapons? Congrats on being constantly in danger should the First Order ever find out about you?</p><p>              “Did you…” I began, clearing my throat. “Did you tell them about my sensitivity?”</p><p>              He nodded. “Yes. Even if I hadn’t, Rey would know. She is, too. Even battled Kylo Ren.”</p><p>              The name ignited an uncomfortable, heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It didn’t even sound like a real name, but I felt the weight of it. I had never heard of him before, but I knew I did not have to.</p><p>              The stars had something in store for me directly related to that name. He would kill me, wouldn’t he? Was that what the stars had in store for me?</p><p>              After a moment, Poe spoke again. “You’re not homesick, are you? You said you left someone behind. Is that why you were crying?”</p><p>              I stopped abruptly. When I looked up at him, I half expected to see Jaso instead of Poe.</p><p>              “Yes. Can we not talk about him? Only three days have passed, and the memory is still sore.”</p><p>              “Yeah, sure.” He gave me a smile in hopes of comforting me. Oddly enough, it worked. I expected to be pummeled with nostalgia, but I only got a warm wash of fuzziness. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and I almost choked on my breath. “How do you like it here so far?”</p><p>              “It’s nice.” I nodded my head, looking nowhere in particular. “Warm, thankfully, and there’s light. My castle was always so dark, and the castle on Arula was so cold.”</p><p>              “Glad the base meets our resident princess’s needs,” he teased, a boyish youthfulness washing over his face.</p><p>              I laughed sarcastically and rolled my eyes so far back that I thought I saw my brain. I wondered then how old Poe was. I estimated he was a decade older—in his early thirties, maybe.</p><p>              After a moment, I whined jokingly about the length of the walk. Poe responded by flicking my forehead and scooping me up into his arms. I writhed in his arms, demanding to be put down, but he only laughed. It felt like the entire base was staring at me, wondering who the hell charmed Poe Dameron into carrying her.</p><p>              What an impression I was making.</p><p>              He put me down once we reached the conference room from earlier, even going so far as to fix my hair until it fell to his liking. I convinced myself it was just a friendly gesture as Rey and Finn arrived, their lips tilted upwards into knowing smirks.</p><p>              “You’re really comfortable with Poe, huh?” Rey cocked an eyebrow at me, nudging my arm.</p><p>              “I suppose. Poe is only the second friend I’ve ever had,” I admitted.</p><p>              Rey’s gentle eyes widened in surprise, gawking at me, but her mouth was clamped shut once the doors parted.</p><p>              Leia appeared before us, smiling at us all before shuffling away from the door so we could enter. I took my place at the oval table, in the same spot I was sitting before. Rey took the seat to my left and Finn to my right. Poe seemed to huff at them before taking a seat beside Finn. Leia sat before us, clasping her hands in front of her—different from the way my father would somehow. She had a certain softness about her, motherly worry casted upon her features.</p><p>              “Now that we know you are staying,” Leia began. “How do we keep you from returning to Hayu?”</p><p>              “I… am not sure, but it is of utmost importance that my parents do not find out I abandoned by duties. They will charge me with treason and execute me. I am still a Hayun citizen so they can drag me away from D’Qar if they have the slightest idea that I am here.”</p><p>              “Fake your death, then,” Finn volunteered, propping his elbows onto the table as he leaned forward. “If they cannot know you are here, make them think you died.”</p><p>              All color drained from my face. “I… I can’t do that. I—”</p><p>              Leia nodded affirmatively, stopping my words in their tracks. “Yes, that will work. You’ll have to fake your death somehow.”</p><p>              “Say she died in a skirmish between the Resistance and the First Order,” Rey offered. “Call her a casualty. Wrong place at the wrong time. The press would believe the First Order shot her shuttle down by accident.”</p><p>              “My parents will send someone to locate the wreck,” I countered, sighing. “If they don’t find it, they will know exactly where I am, and they’ll come collect me through any means possible—even with their bare hands.”</p><p>              “Pay a pilot to crash it. We can arrange for someone to pick him up from whatever planet he crashes the shuttle into,” Poe suggested, catching his lower lip between his teeth as if he wanted to say more but thought better of it.</p><p>              Nodding, I thought it over, mimicking Poe with my lip sucked between my teeth. It was hard to agree. Was this not signing the death certificate of Princess Aiene <em>literally</em>? Who was I if not the princess of Hayu?</p><p>              It was the new start I needed but didn’t entirely <em>want </em>when I started this plan. I only wanted control over my life. I didn’t want to be someone new. At this point, though, I knew it was either execution or a new identity. This freedom had a price to pay, and either I would pay it or die.</p><p>              I looked up from the white stone of the desk. “How much money do you estimate it will cost to bribe him?”</p><p>              “The Resistance will negotiate that,” Leia assured me, her hands again reaching across the table to hold mine. “Now that you are set to stay, we should discuss your sensitivity.” She looked at me with soft brown eyes, a look of worry flashing across her facial features. “It is important that you know you are in danger should anyone else find out about this, especially the First Order.”</p><p>              “I know,” I rasped. “But what do I do with… this?”</p><p>              “Learn to control it and use it,” Leia replied, releasing my hands and leaning back into her plastic chair. “Rey has volunteered to teach you what she knows.”</p><p>              I turned my head to her and smiled thankfully at her, squeezing her hand beneath the table.</p><p>              “I appreciate that, but that cannot possibly be all I am doing here,” I prodded. “I cannot stay here, use your resources, and be under your protection without earning it. There must be something I can do.”</p><p>              “What are you capable of?” Leia inquired.</p><p>              “I can do almost whatever you need.” I swallowed thickly and sat up straighter, almost overcome with a sense of urgency. “I was trained in a brutal amount of subject areas my entire life. I can act or interrogate. I speak twenty-eight languages, not including Basic or Hayuaine. I can pilot a ship; I’m one of the best on Hayu. I have excellent communication and business skills. I am trained in combat.”</p><p>              I paused, noting how my hands were shaking. I took in a deep breath and exhaled sharply, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.</p><p>              “Do I need to say more? You name it, General Organa, and I can probably do it.”</p><p>              “You’re a pilot, you said?” Poe rested his head in his hands, propped up on his elbows. His eyes seemed to glow at the idea. “I could train you, if you wanted. You could be a pilot.”</p><p>              “That’s a dangerous job,” Finn noted, glancing at me. “She is Force sensitive. Is that a risk we want to take?”</p><p>              “She doesn’t have to go into combat,” Poe countered, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>              “What’s the point of using your fuel and time on me if it does not prove beneficial?” I argued. “I want to be of use. It’s why I left Hayu. I would have stayed if I wanted to play around with an X-wing.”</p><p>              “She has a point,” Rey defended. “You speak all those languages, though, and we have only three translators. We could use another.”</p><p>              “A translator.” I hummed and nodded to myself, mulling over the possibility. “I am capable of doing that. I must be careful around press. If anyone writes about my resemblance to Princess Aiene, my parents will be suspicious and look for me.”</p><p>              “And you’ll be executed,” muttered Poe.</p><p>              “Yes,” I affirmed. “Executed.”</p><p>              There was a heavy silence for a moment while Leia thought this over. How I was going to avoid the press as a translator was beyond me, but there had to be a way around it somehow. There had to be some lie I could tell.</p><p>              Leia announced abruptly that I would be a translator, and I would train with Rey in my off hours. As for my resemblance to Princess Aiene, she decided I would have to cut my hair, dye it, and wear it only straight, on top of tattoos in visible places.</p><p>              “Aiene,” I mumbled to myself, a lightbulb flicking on. “My name. I am the only person from Hayu with this name, per the last census.”</p><p>              “Decide on a new name and inform me of it tomorrow,” Leia ordered, standing suddenly. “Your transition begins tomorrow.”</p><p>              I nodded and stood as well, thanking her before shaking her hand. I knew I would forever be indebted to her and the Resistance for what they were doing for me.</p><p>              She bid me and the others goodbye before taking her leave. My shoulders drooped once she did, and I sighed heavily. Part of me was still resistant towards becoming someone else. I knew I had no other options.</p><p>              “I presume I will see you three tomorrow,” I spoke suddenly, fingers fiddling with the edge of my cardigan. “I will retire to my quarters now. Goodnight. It was a pleasure meeting you all.”</p><p>              I left the room on my own and entered the quiet hallways, quickly realizing I did not remember how to get back to my room. I glanced longingly back at the doors to the conference room but decided against pestering any of them. Despite being fawned over and obeyed for twenty-three years, I felt burdensome to them. They were so normal, so different from me. I didn’t fit into their normalcy yet—if I ever would.</p><p>              I was lost in my thoughts and only halfway down the hall from which I <em>thought </em>Poe and I came when I heard my name called in the distance.</p><p>              I spun on the balls of my feet, only to see Poe in all of his orange jumpsuit glory jogging towards me. Furrowing my brows, I waited for him at the edge of the hallway.</p><p>              “Hey,” he greeted, as if he hadn’t seen me just two minutes ago. “Do you mind if I walk you to your room?”</p><p>              Thank the stars.</p><p>              “I could not mind if I wished to, Poe.”</p><p>              “Are you not hungry?” Poe wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and my cheeks flushed a heavy pink. “We can grab something to eat if you are.”</p><p>              “No, I’m not. I’m fine. Today has been very eventful, and I would prefer to retire to my quarters instead.”</p><p>              He hummed in response, an arm still wrapped round my shoulder.</p><p>              Is this what friends do?</p><p>              We walked in silence, and it was awful. Something about this felt far too close to Jaso, and I wrestled back monstrous tears. I suppressed them for the time being, but I knew once Poe glanced at me, he would notice the ugly glassiness of my eyes. I leaned into him further for comfort, resting my head against his shoulder.</p><p>              Poe was so good, so friendly. The stars had to be taunting me, punishing me for hurting Jaso by making me relive his memory every time I looked at Poe. I would never get over Jaso with Poe around. He was too good to be any good for me.</p><p>              I cursed at myself to think about this later.</p><p>              “You alright?”</p><p>              I nodded once. “I’m alright. Just a little cold.”</p><p>              Poe tugged me even closer, wrapping an arm around my waist. It felt secure, <em>protective</em>. “I’ll keep you warm.”</p><p>              I wanted to yell at him. He was too much like Jaso, not that he understood. And how could I be upset with him for being nice to me?</p><p>              Poe and I arrived at my room before I even noticed, and I fumbled in my pocket for my key. Poe’s arm remained wrapped around my waist, and the idea this position presented to anyone unlucky enough to pass by made my soul sob like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I had been here for not even a whole day, yet there I was, standing with the arm of one of General Organa’s most trusted operatives wrapped possessively around my waist.</p><p>              I pushed the door open and entered, leaving the thought at the door. After flicking on the light, I turned to face Poe, leaning my back against the doorframe. There were no words exchanged for a moment, just glances.</p><p>              Before I could register what was happening, Poe’s face was dangerously close to mine. I stood there paralyzed, gazing up through my lashes at his half-lidded eyes and his parted, pink lips. As much as I screamed at myself to move, I didn’t quite want to.</p><p>              “You’re beautiful,” he said, his voice a husky whisper. It elicited a whirlwind of shivers and sparks throughout my body, rendering me limp against the doorframe.</p><p>              Is this what friends do?</p><p>              Just as his lips grazed mine, my hands pressed themselves against his chest, stopping him from coming any closer. His eyes fluttered open slowly; I knew he expected this. His eyes met mine as he pressed his forehead against mine.</p><p>              His droid let out what sounded like a squeal of protest. Casting my gaze down at him, I raised an eyebrow pointedly, fighting back an inappropriate giggle.</p><p>              “Sorry,” he mumbled, pulling himself away from me entirely. “Sorry, I didn’t—”</p><p>              “You do not need to apologize,” I interrupted, my features shifting in worry. “If anyone should be apologizing, it is me. I am flattered, Poe, truly. I was deeply in love just three days ago. I think I gave you the wrong impression today. As lovely and kind as you are, Poe, now just is not a good time.”</p><p>              His hand cupped my cheek, the calloused pad of his thumb rubbing gently against my skin. “No, I understand. I do.”</p><p>              He smiled softly at me in an attempt to calm me down. I had not even noticed I was shaking until his other hand rubbed my back. I closed my eyes, relishing the feeling of his hands attempting to wash away my sadness. For a second, I allowed myself to pretend it was Jaso touching me.</p><p>              “I hope I didn’t make things awkward between us.”</p><p>              “It’s only awkward if you let it be awkward,” I chirped, my eyes slowly opening. “Do you want to come in?”</p><p>              “I’d love to, but I should be getting down to the cafeteria. Rey and Finn are waiting,” Poe lamented. “Are you sure you aren’t hungry? I could bring you food.”</p><p>              “You spoil me,” I muse. “I suppose I cannot turn down food—Poe Dameron, where are you taking me?!”</p><p>              “The cafeteria,” he replied simply, sporting a gloating grin.</p><p>              “Poe Dameron, put me down!”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chrysalis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was awoken by a small beep from my data pad at six twenty-seven the next morning. The sun was not even fully up yet; it had just barely poked its head over the horizon, leaving my room to bathe in the kindling embers.</p>
<p>With a yawn, my hand reached over to the nightstand, slapping around the wood until it fell upon my data pad. I pulled it onto my bed and swiped to read the notification, my eyes squinting in pain.</p>
<p><em>Five thousand credits transferred to…</em> it read. I could not be bothered to read the rest. I knew my pilot had received his bribe; that was all I needed.</p>
<p>I had just fallen back into the realm between consciousness and unconsciousness when there was a knock at my door.</p>
<p>A whine tumbled past my lips. I called out sleepily, “Mother, I have no affairs or events today. Let me sleep, please, but if you must send those servants in, tell them to <em>please</em> not open the windows…”</p>
<p>“Not your mom,” the person behind the door called back. The voice was followed by a string of muffled beeps. From my position in my consciousness—or rather, my unconsciousness—I could not pinpoint who was speaking or where I was.</p>
<p>“Then who are you?” I groaned and slipped out of bed, wrapping the wool blanket I had taken from Hayu around my shoulders.</p>
<p>I tugged the door open, only to find Poe standing there, his hair swept back, dressed in his signature orange pilot jumpsuit. BB-8 sat at his feet, giving me a shrill pip as a good morning.</p>
<p>“Oh, hi, Poe,” I greeted with a yawn.</p>
<p>He laughed and tousled my slumber-mussed hair. “Good morning to you, too.”</p>
<p>“What are you doing here?” I moved out of the way, hand cupped over my mouth to stifle a yawn. He followed me in and shut the door behind him. “It’s not even seven in the morning. What are you doing awake already?”</p>
<p>He laughed, deep and baritone. “I always get up this early. I was wondering if you wanted to get breakfast, but if you’d rather sleep, that’s fine, too. Sounds like you might need it.”</p>
<p>I groaned and rolled my eyes at him. “No, I’m fine. Even princesses don’t wake up perfect, contrary to popular belief.”</p>
<p>“This one does.”</p>
<p>His droid agreed with a slew of high-pitched beeps and dings. Poe laughed heartily and gave BB-8 a little pat.</p>
<p>“I beg to differ,” I countered, bending down to rifle through my luggage but to primarily hide the blush that painted my cheeks. “As soon as I was dragged out of bed on Hayu, the servants would have combs in my hair. They got stuck sometimes.”</p>
<p>He looked at me, eyebrow cocked in disbelief. “I find that hard to believe.”</p>
<p>“Well, believe it.” I snorted and continued to rummage through my suitcase. “What do you guys even wear around here? I can’t wear these gowns the rest of the time.”</p>
<p>Poe gaped. “Don’t tell me that’s all you packed.”</p>
<p>I shook my head and sighed softly, plopping down onto the floor in front of the four suitcases the servants had sent me off with. “I am far too calculating for that.”</p>
<p>That drew a laugh from Poe.</p>
<p>My fingers flicked through the folded clothing, and I hummed an old tune from Hayu to myself. I decided on a pair of black leggings and one of Jaso’s sweaters.</p>
<p>“I’m going to shower, but I’ll be out soon.” I bit my lip. “Sorry to keep you waiting. You’re probably hungry.”</p>
<p>“Aiene,” Poe chided. “I’ll wait.”</p>
<p>On the surface, I knew he merely meant he’d wait for me to finish showering. Underneath those layers, my heart plummeted into my stomach at the thought of him waiting for me.</p>
<p>My head was still spinning when I entered the shower. It was hard being around Poe when he reminded me so much of Jaso. It seemed there was an even brighter light in Poe than there was in Jaso, hence it was so easy to open up to Poe. My guard had never once been down so quickly. Part of me was terrified at the power Poe held; I had been on D’Qar for not even twenty-four hours, but some parts of me were already puddles at his feet.</p>
<p>I scolded myself for being so naïve. I exited the shower with a new resolve and got dressed with a fiery determination burning in my chest. Poe would not get closer to me than this, I would see to that.</p>
<p>Then, there he was, sitting in my chair, a sweet grin dominating his face when I walked past. I thought I could even feel his heart swell in his chest.</p>
<p>And then, abruptly, his thoughts trickled into my ears. They were gentle—just about how cute in that sweater, and how maybe one day I would wear one of his.</p>
<p>His thoughts took a chunk out of my resolve, chewed it up, and spit it in my face.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>“Poe, I’m scared.”</p>
<p>I squirmed in his arms, my eyes shooting daggers in fear at the tattoo artist. Poe stroked my hair and sat me in the chair, his hands grabbing ahold of my arms.</p>
<p>“You’ll be fine, I promise. I’m here.”</p>
<p>I puffed my cheeks and nodded, prompting Poe to release me. He grabbed ahold of my hair, rubbing the back of it with the calloused pad of his thumb, his kind eyes glazed with concern. I curled our fingers together and exposed my forearm to the artist, where the first tattoo would be inked.</p>
<p>Once he had cleaned the crook of my arm and laid the stencil, he got to work. I sunk my teeth into my cheek, staying still reluctantly. I had to admit it did not hurt as bad as I had expected.</p>
<p>Time stood still until the very moment he finished the last tattoo. Poe had barely even moved during the entirety, and I had been randomly kicking my legs to express my discomfort for the past stars-knew-how-long. I was left with a red crescent moon underneath the crook of my arm and a prismatic compass underneath the crook of the opposite arm. As Leia requested, the artist had also given me a whole army of small moles and freckles, ones that the public did not recognize on Princess Aiene.</p>
<p>My skin was raw and uncomfortable after they let me go. Poe trailed behind me, insisting he stay with me despite having more pressing things to do. Somehow I managed to convince him to go to work, but he kissed my forehead before bidding me goodbye.</p>
<p>General Organa was in the makeshift salon when I arrived. She had a bright grin on her face, the dim light giving a sharp edge to her feminine features. Next to Leia was the male who would be fixing my hair, his own perfectly swept back and dyed reddish brown.</p>
<p>I was oddly reluctant to let them touch my hair. After a moment of staring back and forth between the seat and the stylist, I sat down with a sigh and let him work his magic.</p>
<p>I knew I wouldn’t be Princess Aiene after this. My eyes welled with tears, but I could not tell if it was because of the bleach or because a part of my identity was being stolen from me.</p>
<p>At the end of it, he had dyed my hair dark blonde and cut it to my collar. The treatment left my hair bone-straight, as Leia had ordered. I found it hard to breathe while peering at myself in the mirror. My hands came up and touched a strand or two, but it didn’t feel like me. The woman looking back at me could not have been me.</p>
<p>Princess Aiene had died, and I was shamelessly vandalizing her shell.</p>
<p>Before I left the room, Leia put her hand on my shoulder.</p>
<p>“Have you decided on your name, Dear?”</p>
<p>I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded once. “Ythelene Lyra Sothorne.”</p>
<p>She gave me a smile that seemed oddly pitiful before leaving. I followed not long after. The deed was done.</p>
<p>Rest in peace, Aiene Seira Yeuthorne. Long love Ythelene Lyra Sothorne.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>I should not have been allowed to watch my funeral. I managed to find the broadcast after a while of searching, and I found nearly a million of my subjects gathered in the capital, their hands cupping a candle.</p>
<p>They wept at my grave. It was empty, of course—the media announced they never found my body among the wreckage. My subjects had covered it with giant, vibrant bouquets; teddy bears; and framed photos of me in Hayun gowns.</p>
<p>I didn’t understand why I started to cry. These were not tears of pity; I did not pity my people. Hardly any of my subjects had gotten to meet me. I never truly helped them, had never even gotten to kiss their babies during my walks around the capital. I had spent too much time learning to care for them and not enough actually caring for them.</p>
<p>Why was I crying? Was it agony? Wasn’t this what I wanted? What I was supposed to want?</p>
<p>They lowered me into the earth after filling it with some of my most beloved belongings. I reached up and touched my face, tilting my head at an angle. I was alive, but I was dead. No one was mourning for the woman behind the title, though. Not even Jaso.</p>
<p>After they sealed my grave, I was free. Ythelene was born.</p>
<p>Aiene was gone.</p>
<p>My past would burn, become a page or two in a history book. I would never be remembered by students for any reason other than I was a beautiful princess who died a tragic death.</p>
<p>Sometime after that, I fell into a restless slumber and was easily ripped from my dreamless unconsciousness the next morning by a series of clipped knocks on my door. I stumbled up from my bed, hands rubbing at my puffy eyes, and opened the door. The lights were so damn bright.</p>
<p>It was Poe. Of course it was.</p>
<p>“Aiene, are—” He began.</p>
<p>“Ythelene,” I corrected, my voice a hoarse croak. “I’m not Aiene anymore, I think. I don’t really know.”</p>
<p>Poe was quiet for a moment before entering my bedroom. He shut the door quietly behind us, enveloping us in the thick darkness I had slept in.</p>
<p>Poe stepped by to crack open the curtains, but I grabbed his wrist and shook my head. I didn’t need light. I didn’t want to see Ythelene just yet.</p>
<p>Poe took me into his arms, and I pressed my head against his chest. His heartbeat was rhythmic, a lullaby. He rocked side to side and buried his face in my hair for a moment.</p>
<p>“Jump,” he ordered, his voice muffled by my hair.</p>
<p>“Huh?” I looked up at him. “Jump?”</p>
<p>“Let me carry you.”</p>
<p>“Poe, I’m not a child.”</p>
<p>“No, but you’re bearing a burden. Let me take some of that weight from you.”</p>
<p>I sighed quietly and jumped unwillingly into his arms, wrapping my legs around his torso. I rested my chin on his shoulder and inhaled the calming scent of his cologne. I relaxed in his grip when he pressed his lips against my temple.</p>
<p>Aiene would have refused to let Poe this close to her, but Aiene was gone.</p>
<p>Ythelene knew nothing of Jaso or how Aiene once loved him.</p>
<p>“Love me.”</p>
<p>The words slipped past my lips in a hoarse plea, but my heart meant them all the same. I wanted to lean in to kiss him, but his silence was unsettling. I wondered if his feelings could have changed; it had only been a day.</p>
<p>“I can’t like this.” Poe looked at me, our gazes colliding like two planets. “Not when you’re upset like this. You don’t mean it.”</p>
<p>“I do mean it,” I promised, cupping his cheeks. “I swear.”</p>
<p>“You came here in love with someone else.”</p>
<p>He looked conflicted. I guided his face back into my direction.</p>
<p>“Aiene did. I did not.”</p>
<p>Poe sighed. “Of course you did. Aiene is dead to the rest of the world, but <em>you </em>are still Aiene. You haven’t gone anywhere. You are still who you were when you came here.”</p>
<p>I nodded once, giving in, and buried my face in his neck. I wrestled back tears and sniffled as Poe moved us through the unlit unit. He sat into my armchair, letting me straddle his hips. The intimacy was not lost on me, but it was oddly comforting.</p>
<p>“You’re just on D’Qar. You don’t have to give your past up entirely,” Poe said, running his fingers through my hair. “You are safe here.”</p>
<p>I leaned into his hand, almost panicking. This was betraying Jaso, wasn’t it? He was still hurting—I swore I could feel it—so how could I dare be so close to Poe? How could this feel so safe when I was just yearning for Jaso not too long ago?</p>
<p>I hissed at myself to stop thinking and let myself feel. Jaso was no longer with me.</p>
<p>My heart was running in my chest at a full sprint.</p>
<p>Poe’s fingers coiled my hair around themselves.</p>
<p>Time slowed down to an infant’s crawl.</p>
<p>Poe’s chest was pressed tightly against mine. I could feel it expand and deflate with every breath. His breaths let me know this was not a dream.</p>
<p>I relaxed. The tears stopped—no, the whole world stopped.</p>
<p>The knit wool of my cardigan scratched my arms as I shrugged it off.</p>
<p>Poe’s hands left my hair, one slipping beneath my shirt and singeing the skin of my lower back, the other dancing up my neck.</p>
<p>Poe’s finger guided my face away from the crook of his neck.</p>
<p>And then he kissed me. Tenderly, softly.</p>
<p>I didn’t feel sorry.</p>
<p>He pulled away first, leaving me aching for more of him. We didn’t speak for a moment, and I was tempted to kiss him again before deciding against it.</p>
<p>“You need to clear your head,” Poe mumbled, no longer looking at me as his hands fell to rest against my hips. “I shouldn’t have kissed you.”</p>
<p>“No, no!” My jaw dropped. “Thank you for kissing me, actually—I needed that. And I’m not just saying that. I let myself feel.”</p>
<p>“Good.” He reached out and cupped my jaw, his lips splitting into a tiny smile.</p>
<p>I pressed my jaw into his hand and closed my eyes while I thought of my next words.</p>
<p>“I know what I want now. It has only been five days since I left, but none of that feels real anymore. I know that the man I left behind is mourning because he thinks I am dead, and I can’t cling to someone who doesn’t even know I’m alive. I want to let him go. I feel safe with <em>you</em>. I could be with you, but…”</p>
<p>“But you need some time,” Poe finished for me, his voice gentle even though he had every right to be bitter. “You need to let that all go. That’s okay. You can have time, and I’ll be here with you.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” I hummed.</p>
<p>I opened my eyes and smiled at him. He looked like such an angel to me.</p>
<p>Poe walked me to the office despite my pleas for him to head to the hanger. Sometimes he was too stubborn for his own good. I knew he had things to do.</p>
<p>Rey and Finn watched us as we left the cafeteria—I felt their gaze, and I heard Finn’s loud thoughts anyway—like they knew something was going on between us. They were not <em>wrong</em>, I supposed, but there was nothing romantic yet. Rey rolled her eyes at that statement, and Finn’s shit-eating grin did not falter in the slightest.</p>
<p>“They’re suspicious,” I said, followed with a giggle.</p>
<p>“Let them be,” Poe replied, shrugging. “They don’t need to know.”</p>
<p>I hummed in response and let him take my hand. It baffled me that, when not born into royalty, people could be with whoever they wanted. If only my parents could see me then, fraternizing with a pilot instead of Prince Noodle-hair. They would have had my head on a platter if they knew.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you around lunch, alright?” Poe said once we arrived at my office door. “You look beautiful.”</p>
<p>My cheeks flared. I looked down at my grey sweater—oversized, which let me know it had to have been Poe’s. I assumed he planted it in my suitcase. By the time I opened my mouth to chastise him, he was already halfway down the hall, his droid rolling contently after him.</p>
<p>The gold name plaque on my desk already read “Ythelene Sothorne.” A small pang of hurt rippled through my chest.</p>
<p>There was a knock on the door behind me.</p>
<p>“Come in,” I called, unsure of who would be visiting.</p>
<p>“Hi,” greeted a petite blonde woman with wide, hazel eyes. “You’re the new translator, right?”</p>
<p>I nodded. “That’s me.” I played with my fingers under my desk, willing myself to not look away despite the anxiety bubbling in my belly. “I’m Ythelene.”</p>
<p>“I’m June,” she pips, flashing me a smile. “I’m one of three—well, four now—translators that the Resistance has, but I’m the only other female. Where are you from?”</p>
<p>My face paled, unsure if I should say I was from Hayu.</p>
<p>“I was born on Naboo,” I lied seamlessly. “I moved to Hayu at the age of seven.”</p>
<p>“Do you speak Hayuaine then? I know they speak Basic there, but I’ve always wanted to learn Hayuaine. It’s just so complicated.”</p>
<p>I nodded. “Yes. It’s not too bad to learn, but maybe that’s because I learned it as a child.”</p>
<p>Abruptly, June changed the subject, her big eyes flickering over the tag holding my name at the front of my desk. “Your name is Ythelene, right? Can I call you Thel?”</p>
<p>She squealed when I nodded, which startled me for a moment. June brushed a strand of hair out of her face before sliding into the seat opposite me.</p>
<p>“I think Vance has some things for you to translate. He’s the superior translator—gives us our assignments and stuff, you know? We’ve been pretty backed up lately.”</p>
<p>I chewed on my lip. “Of course. Do you guys translate in front of press often?”</p>
<p>“What, you have stage fright or something?”</p>
<p>I paused, panic hitting me like a bullet to the head. “Yeah, something like that.”</p>
<p>She didn’t seem to pick up on my fear. “Only sometimes, but it’s usually Vance who takes them. I and Wyatt, and now you, usually only do contracts, documents, and negotiations.”</p>
<p>I opened my mouth to reply, but there was another knock at the door. June whipped around and opened the door, revealing an older man—I estimated in his mid- to late-forties—with greying black hair, olive skin, and navy eyes.</p>
<p>“Hello,” he greeted. “Ythelene, correct?” I nodded one, my gut starting to twist. “I’m Vance, the superior translator.”</p>
<p>“June was just telling me about you,” I spoke, standing and reaching over the desk to shake his hand. “Pleasure to meet you.”</p>
<p>“The same to you,” he replied. “I apologize if this comes off, but I have never seen a woman as beautiful as you.”</p>
<p>I blinked, taken aback though I’ve heard this statement a thousand times before. “Oh. Well, thank you, Vance.”</p>
<p>He set approximately three manila folders onto the edge of my desk. I eyed them, taking a seat to make myself small. I hoped he would leave things as they were. By then, June had already left my office.</p>
<p>Vance moved to leave but thought better of it. He turned back around and looked at me, opening and closing his mouth repeatedly as he determined whether he should speak.</p>
<p>“Would you be willing to go to dinner with me tonight?”</p>
<p>Vance made a move to grab my hand, and I yanked it away, tucking it beneath my leg, before he could touch it.</p>
<p>Bile rose in my throat. “I am flattered, but I am involved with someone right now. It would not be right.”</p>
<p>His face fell, his lips curling downward into an expression of utter disgust. He furrowed his brows together, and I could almost see him trying to make sense of my rejection. I pressed myself further into my chair, and against my will, my hands began to shake.</p>
<p>“Involved with someone? Or just being a slut?” He spat, anger swimming in his eyes. “I bet you’ve fucked half of the post in one night.”</p>
<p>I shot up immediately, the embers in my soul immediately igniting into full-fledged flames. I wanted to swallow Vance up in them.</p>
<p>“Listen, Vance,” I snarled. My self-control was lost. “You’re old. You’ve had plenty of time alive. You should be able to handle rejection by now—am I wrong in assuming you get it a lot?”</p>
<p>I stormed over and grabbed a fistful of his shirt. I shook so hard I struggled to get a solid fistful of fabric.</p>
<p>“I will be nice and give you this one opportunity to get out. You may be superior to me but I refuse to accept this sort of treatment.”</p>
<p>There was a shit-eating grin on his face, challenging me to do more. I was a joke.</p>
<p>“Fiesty. I like it.”</p>
<p>My fist collided with the edge of his jaw before I knew what I was doing. He stumbled back, cradling the area I hit. Adrenaline surged through my veins, so forcefully that I could hardly feel the pain pulsing in my first.</p>
<p>“I demand respect, Vance. You will respect me. Is that clear?”</p>
<p>“I will respect you.” he replied immediately, his voice flat and emotionless.</p>
<p>Vance wandered out of my office, his hand still cupping his bruised jaw. I was left wondering what the hell had just happened.</p>
<p>I fell back into my seat, still quaking with adrenaline. Why did he obey me so easily? Vance was obviously a perverted jerk—why would he listen to me so quickly?</p>
<p>My thoughts were interrupted by my fist crying out in pain. The sting radiated up my arm and into my shoulder. I could barely even flex my fingers.</p>
<p>I stood from my chair and wobbled to the door, careful to not disturb my injured hand.</p>
<p>I needed to find Poe, have him take me to the infirmary or something. But where was the hangar from here?</p>
<p>Stepping into the hall, I walked in the direction I saw Poe leave. I felt awful for needing to disturb him, knowing he had to have been busy. Looking at my knuckles, I saw two were already swelling.</p>
<p>I cursed the stars for not making Poe Force sensitive so that I could speak to him that way.</p>
<p>A lightbulb lit up in my head. Moving to the edge of the hall, I closed my eyes, resting my back against the wall. I pictured Rey before me and moved my thoughts into hers.</p>
<p>“Rey, can you hear me? I need your help.”</p>
<p>“What happened, Aiene?”</p>
<p>“My hand. Can you take me to the infirmary?”</p>
<p>There was no response, but she didn’t need to give me one to know she was coming. I gingerly cradled my hand against my abdomen, and within a few minutes, I sensed Rey approaching.</p>
<p>She rounded the corner just as I looked, her eyes wide and frantic. I felt her in my head then, searching innocently for an answer to whatever question she might have had.</p>
<p>“Ythelene,” she called. “Are you alright? Did he hurt you?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine. It’s just my hand. I don’t know if I broke my knuckle, but it’s swollen.”</p>
<p>“Come with me,” Rey urged, taking ahold of my uninjured hand and tugging.</p>
<p>I didn’t realize where she was bringing me until I smelled oil.</p>
<p>“Why?” I thought.</p>
<p>“Poe will want to know,” Rey answered. “He will want to take care of you.”</p>
<p>“He’s busy. Can’t we just go to the infirmary? I don’t want to worry him.”</p>
<p>“Poe will want to know,” she repeated.</p>
<p>“It doesn’t matter. He’ll believe me when I say I slammed it in a door.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t need to be your boyfriend to care about you.”</p>
<p>We arrived at the doors to the hangar. She shoved them open, and her head was on a swivel, searching as much of it as she could see for him.</p>
<p>“Poe, come get your girlfriend!”</p>
<p>Blush pooled in my cheeks, but I said nothing. Poe poked his head out from the side of a nearby ship, searching for Rey and me. He dropped the rag and jogged toward us, leaving behind the mechanic working with him.</p>
<p>“Hey, what happened?” His pupils were blown with worry, but I saw them only for a moment before he noticed me cradling my hand. “Stars, Ene, what happened to your hand?”</p>
<p>“I slammed it in a door by accident,” I lied. “I apologize for bothering you. I attempted to get Rey to bring me to the infirmary, but she would hear nothing of it.”</p>
<p>“No, it’s fine. I’ll take you.”</p>
<p>Poe nodded at Rey, who flashed us both a smile before taking her exit.</p>
<p>I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, Poe. I understand you’re busy. Bothering you was not my intention.”</p>
<p>“You don’t bother me. Your swollen hand does.”</p>
<p>He took my other hand and led me out of the hangar, tugging me down several winding hallways before we ended up at a large pair of white doors with “Infirmary” painted in orange above them.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to stay?”</p>
<p>I shook my head. “No, you’re busy. You should go back to the hangar.”</p>
<p>His eyes softened, and two of his fingers landed under my chin and tilted my head up. I was momentarily reminded of the night before, and I half-expected him to kiss me.</p>
<p>“I’m not too busy to make sure you’re alright. It was just a pre-flight check. It can wait.”</p>
<p>“Pre-flight,” I noted. “You’re going somewhere, assumedly with the rest of your squadron. You need to go. Don’t let me get in the way, please.”</p>
<p>He shot me a pleading look, but I shooed him away. Poe pressed a quick kiss to my lips before making me promise to tell him how my hand was. I watched him go, electricity slithering through my entire body. I didn’t know if I would ever get used to him kissing me.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>After finishing my shift at work and icing my bandaged hand—which turned out to be not broken very badly, just a minor fracture—, I joined Rey in a small training room in a quieter sector of the base. It was cooler and mostly empty.</p>
<p>She sat with her back to the wall, not even flinching when I came in. She sat cross-legged, her mind quiet. I took a seat at her side, hugging my knees to my chest.</p>
<p>“What are we doing today?” I asked, wondering if I was wrong for speaking. I didn’t want to break her concentration.</p>
<p>“Teaching you not to project, as Leia asked. She was pretty adamant about this one.” She popped one eye open. “Think.”</p>
<p>My eyebrows knitted together. “Think?” She hummed in response. “I can do that.”</p>
<p>I found a safe memory: Jaso, and the first time I ever saw him. Affection blossomed in my chest—different this time, weaker, not as heavy—, and nostalgia swept through me like wind. His booming laugh was fresh in my ears. Even the smell of the fresh coat of paint he had just laid was strong.</p>
<p>Rey confirmed I was projecting, her voice hinting at confusion towards my affection for Jaso. She asked me to stop, prompting me to furrow my eyebrows.</p>
<p>“Stop thinking?”</p>
<p>“Stop projecting,” she corrected.</p>
<p>I bit my lip, confused. Rey didn’t give me any further instructions, only stared at me expectantly. I made a face at her, still not understanding. She remained silent, still intently staring.</p>
<p>I closed my eyes and listened to my thoughts, quieting the hum of the base around me. I fell into them, felt them as though they were physical bodies, and I hushed them. They seemed to peer at me, swirls of words and images, but I felt a rush of <em>something</em> through me, coiling itself in my head and extending itself as far as my fingertips and toes. I felt boxed-in somehow.</p>
<p>“You’re quiet,” Rey said after a moment, voice liquid with disbelief.</p>
<p>My eyes shot open. “Are you lying?”</p>
<p>“No.” She laughed softly. “I’m not. Do it again. I want you to control your projections without having to imagine it.”</p>
<p>I gulped and made another face at her. She waved me on with her hand and cocked an eyebrow in my direction. I repeated the experience, feeling a feather light buzz in the back of my head, which I could only assume was the Force. At my command, the buzzing came to a halt, and I felt closed-in once more.</p>
<p>“Good. This is good,” Rey praised.</p>
<p>I nodded, my lips cracking into an almost-proud grin. “I thought this would be harder.”</p>
<p>“Some things are just easy,” Rey shared. “This is far simpler than trying to keep someone out of my thoughts, especially when they’re desperate about it.”</p>
<p>I paled and played with my fingers in my lap. I knew I had already done that. The voice had yet to touch the wall since I built it, so I had forgotten all about him. Rey didn’t seem to notice my sudden discomfort.</p>
<p>“Why was it so hard?” I questioned, leaning in closer out of interest. It was so instinctual to me that I couldn’t imagine someone as strong as Rey struggling with it.</p>
<p>“It hurt,” Rey admitted. “Kylo Ren is strong with the Force. I had never felt such pain in my life, and at the time I was still new to this. I didn’t know what he was doing. It was so unnatural and scary that I panicked.”</p>
<p>I debated telling her about the voice and the wall I had put up, but I found the words stuck in my throat like a wad of gum. It was too scary to admit that the voice was real, and it was even scarier to accept that I had such a strong hold on this before I even knew what I was doing. I didn’t want to know what that would mean for me in the future.</p>
<p>“Tell me about him,” was what I said instead.</p>
<p>I had never felt something so strong from Rey before. It was not entirely hatred—there was something else there, something softer. Some part of her, I thought, understood some parts of him. Not everything, not even close.</p>
<p>Regardless, I got a taste of the hatred she felt for him. I felt some part of me blossom in that hatred, that darkness. She poured it in a cup for me, and I drank it all.</p>
<p>I had a sinking feeling this was not the last time I would hear of Kylo Ren—far from it, actually. His name alone was enough to trigger a sick feeling in my stomach. The energy from it was rancid, and the negativity made me feel physically ill.</p>
<p>I figured he would kill me. The stars would not make me feel that way for nothing.</p>
<p>I knew nothing else about this other than that I wished I felt nothing at all.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Pushing Further</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Life was routine on D’Qar, and by extension, it was also bland. Bland was safe, though; bland was comforting. Strange, naturally, as it usually would be for someone who had just become a normal person. I fell into their normalcy after some time, remembering it was not long ago that I wondered if I ever would.</p><p>              In the mornings, Poe would wake me before seven, and I would shower and somehow end up in one of his sweaters roughly seventy-five percent of the time. Finn, Rey, Poe, and I would eat breakfast together, and Poe would walk me to work afterwards.</p><p>              After I finished my shift, I would walk the long trek to the training room, and Rey would run me through lessons until dinner. Finn always arrived earlier at the cafeteria than Poe did.</p><p>              Poe would walk me to my quarters, and he would leave before curfew. I would sleep, and the next morning, the cycle would begin all over again.</p><p>              Just as our routine never changed, neither did my relationship with Poe. Neither of us could hide our affection for each other, but some part of me remained Jaso’s and refused to budge. I fought with myself over it, but Jaso wouldn’t release his grip on me. Poe was, unsurprisingly, optimistic, telling me he understood and knew I would be ready at the exact moment I was ready and no sooner.</p><p>              Still, though, I felt stuck in my past. I wondered if he were leaving me behind in the present.</p><p>              In the present, I was the subject of many rumors. As small of a military installation as this was, it came as no surprise that as soon as one person thought it, everyone knew it. I had spent enough time in the public eye to shrug it off with little thought, but one was particularly worrying. And true.</p><p>              June busted into my office one morning, about two weeks after I had arrived on D’Qar. Her face was flushed, an eyebrow cocked as she stuck her head into my doorway.</p><p>              “Is it true?” June heaved the words out into the air, as if they were heavy to her. If only she understood the weight of them. “That you’re Force sensitive?”</p><p>              I swore to her that it was false, but by the color bleaching itself from my skin, I knew she wasn’t convinced. I had already heard rumors about First Order spies being on board. I had to put an end to this rumor somehow, if they had not already caught wind of this somehow.</p><p>              My safety was in danger. Not just by rumors, though.</p><p>              Some of these men were perverts. As much as I hid my body from them and made myself scarce in public, they still had their fantasies. On occasion they would corner me. None of them were stupid enough to put their hands on me, and weak-minded as they were, I forced them away with a mere command.</p><p>              What lingered was the anxiety, the extra pair of eyes I felt sitting in the back of my skull, invading me, haunting me. I felt dirty, I felt objectified, I felt gross.</p><p>              I told Poe absolutely nothing, but I couldn’t hide the way these feelings were vandalizing me for long. He was busy, always away on a mission somewhere. As much as I didn’t want to bombard him with my feelings right away, I knew I could only hang on for so long.</p><p>              These rumors and these men ate at me for months. They ravished my mind, leaving me with so little left that my Force abilities became sloppy. A child could have performed better after figuring out how to use the Force a mere three hours prior.</p><p>              Somehow I exposed my feelings to Rey. I didn’t understand what I had done. My eyes were closed, and I was meditating, and then she suddenly let out a horrified gasp and sputtered a string of syllables I didn’t even bother to comprehend. She grabbed ahold of my forearm, and once we took the right turn out of the room, I knew exactly where we were going.</p><p>              “No, no, don’t tell Poe!” I begged, digging my heels into the tile.</p><p>              Rey ignored me, only pushed open the hangar doors. Her eyes found Poe immediately, and the look on her face prompted him to jog over. He wiped his gloves on his jumpsuit before pulling them from his hands and tucking them into his pocket.</p><p>              She kept quiet. Rey nudged me with her elbow, shooting me a look. She wouldn’t tell this story for me. I didn’t think she would even have made me speak if I didn’t want to. But we both knew how to solve this.</p><p>              I opened my mouth, putting my hands inside my pockets. Quietly, I lowered my gaze, letting out a heavy sigh. It took none of the weight with it.</p><p>              And then I said it. I said it all.</p><p>              His brows drew together at the center of his forehead, wondering how he missed all of this. How he missed the changes in my personality, how he missed hearing the rumors, how he missed these men and their comments. I felt his guilt, how it pooled in his abdomen and swelled to the size of an X-Wing.</p><p>              Poe took ahold of my hand, and I followed him.</p><p>              He led me to my room. I unlocked my door, my head still hung, wanting to get this conversation out of the way already. Poe wouldn’t just let this go on.</p><p>              As I closed the door, Poe grabbed ahold of my cheeks with his hands, and he kissed me. Despite my better judgement, I melted into him. He nipped at my lower lip, and I couldn’t hold back the quiet moan that fumbled out of my mouth. His hands were freezing on my cheeks, the iciness sinking into the warmth of my face.</p><p>              I pulled away first. “Poe,” I panted.</p><p>              Poe tilted his head forward, touching our foreheads together. He slung his hands around my waist and tugged me further into him. He was so strong and warm against me; he felt safe.</p><p>              “I will never let this happen to you again,” Poe promised, drawing his eyes to a close. “I am going to protect you, and this will never happen again. I won’t let you go on this way.”</p><p>              “Poe,” I whispered, the only evidence of my argument.</p><p>              “No,” he hushed me. “We will solve this. We will.”</p><p>              Poe kissed me again, more tender this time. He tasted like guilt. It was dizzying, heavy and soft on my tongue. He grabbed me by the thighs and lifted me into his arms, carrying me to my bed in the corner.</p><p>              He hovered over me for a moment before thinking better of it, wrapping my legs around my hips and then rolling onto his back. I ran my fingers through his hair, letting my nails tickle his scalp. We didn’t kiss then, only looked at each other.</p><p>              I never forgot the way he looked at me then, like it was the first time he had ever seen me, and I was the most precious angel to ever grace his presence. No one had ever looked at me that way. He had the porchlight on his heart turned on, just waiting for me to find my way home.</p><p>              “Why didn’t you tell me?” asked Poe after a moment, his fingers drawing absentminded patterns up and down my back.</p><p>              “I didn’t want to burden you,” I replied quietly. “My entire life, I have burdened people. I could not do that to you.”</p><p>              Poe shook his head, insisting, “You are never a burden. Not even for a second. Not for a millisecond, even.”</p><p>              I nodded once, swallowing his statement. There was some weight to it. How could I not be burdensome—what did that say about us?</p><p>              “What are we, Poe?” I asked after a moment, gnawing on my lower lip.</p><p>              Carefully, he replied after a moment, “Whatever you want us to be. I told you I will wait. I have feelings for you. I know you return them but aren’t ready yet. There is no rush.”</p><p>              My heart constricted in its confines, popping open some of its stitches. “It’s been seven months,” I whispered.</p><p>              I was just a translator. Who was I to ask him to wait this long? Seven months ago I was free, even expected, to make people wait for me—and I did so quite regularly—, but none of those people were <em>Poe Dameron</em>.</p><p>              “Why wait?” I mumbled, my tongue almost itching with nerves. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. My throat tightened in hopes of choking the words to death before I could say them. “There are others who will not make you wait.”</p><p>              He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “It’s not a matter of finding someone who I can be with immediately. There is no rush with you. All I want is you. Whether it takes a few days or a few years is irrelevant. No one could fill the space I created for you.”</p><p>              I stayed quiet, opting to bury my face in his neck. His cologne was comforting, a delicate mix of cedar and musk. He smelled a bit like fuel and oil, too—like he always had. It gave me some hope that things would turn out okay—like they always had.</p><p>              “Let me love you, Aiene,” Poe spoke again.</p><p>              “Love me?” I lifted my head from the crook of his neck, peeking at him through my lashes.</p><p>              “Let me,” he pleaded. “It doesn’t have to be today. But in the future… can you promise you will let me love you?”</p><p>              Without hesitation, I stuck out my pinky, smiling coyly at him when he curled our pinkies together. “I promise.”</p><p>              In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have.</p><p>-----</p><p>              Poe was absent this day, five months later, but his droid clung to me as he did to Poe. Leia had called for me, and something was eating away at my insides as I approached her quarters. It wasn’t about Poe. I knew he would return.</p><p>              As I stepped foot into the room, I could sense Leia was also nervous, but there was something large on her mind. The details were muddy.</p><p>              “You wanted to see me?”</p><p>              “I’ve realized something.” Leia sat up straighter, her gentle eyes brushing over me. “You draw people to you in a way I have never seen before. I have been thinking about this. I think the Force has given you a most unusual gift.”</p><p>              The stars, I corrected quietly.</p><p>              “No, trust in the Force, Aiene. You will go further that way.”</p><p>              I swallowed my embarrassment. I thought I was past my days of projecting.</p><p>              “And what is it that I have been gifted?”</p><p>              “People are attracted to you,” Leia revealed, her eyes twinkling almost knowingly. “I’ve seen you do it. It started with Poe, completely unintentionally. He has come to fall for you on his own, but you pulled him into you.”</p><p>              I blinked, taken aback, and sucked my lip between my teeth. I rolled this new information over in my head, trying to unknot the tangle of emotions that newly filled my abdomen. I didn’t know where this was going, but I knew I did not like it.</p><p>              I did not like it at all.</p><p>              “I thought the Force left loving up to the people,” I said, resting my jaw in my elbow.</p><p>              “It does,” she confirmed. “But you can influence their decisions very heavily. I want you to harness it. Learn it, let it become your strongest strength. Once you do, I will reassign you.”</p><p>              All color drained from my face as my brows knitted together. My heart plummeted, falling hundreds of stories into my stomach. I shook my head in defiance, overcome with feelings I couldn’t place at the time. Like the Force was telling me something, but it didn’t speak any of the thirty languages I did.</p><p>              “Reassigned? May I ask for an explanation?”</p><p>              “You will be sent as a Resistance spy to infiltrate the <em>Finalizer</em>. You will become my son’s weakness, and you will bring him back for execution.”</p><p>              Her sadness seeped into the lines and wrinkles of her face, her gentle brown eyes softening with pain. She had no choice. This was out of her hands. No one could save Kylo Ren from the consequences of his war crimes.</p><p>              BB-8 let out a sharp cry, and though I didn’t understand, I knew it was his form of protesting. She didn’t flinch.</p><p>              “I need you to grow this strength of yours. He is one of the strongest Force users in the galaxy. You will save us.”</p><p>              I nodded, staring at my hands in my lap. I wrung them in an attempt to wrangle myself free from the nervousness and fear that already had begun to constrict me.</p><p>              “But if I am using it without knowing, aren’t I strong already?”</p><p>              Leia nodded. “Yes, but I will take no risks with you when it comes to my son. This could kill you. I have to know that you know what you are doing.”</p><p>              “Yes, of course,” I responded.</p><p>              Whatever the Force was trying to tell me intensified tenfold. I grabbed at my stomach, nose crinkling in discomfort. Just <em>tell</em> me, I pleaded with the Force, but it didn’t speak to me. Still, I couldn’t rid myself of the knife in my gut.</p><p>              “I will find a way to allow you to communicate with us. If it is too dangerous to keep you aboard the <em>Finalizer</em> at any moment, we can save you,” Leia reassured me, though it soothed not even one nerve of mine. “I will tell you more once you are better trained. Rey already knows. She is awaiting you.”</p><p>-----</p><p>              “It’s your smile,” Rey concluded, drawing her presence from my head. “I saw it with Poe. You didn’t feel it, but there is a <em>pull</em> when you smile. I could feel the Force in you when you came down from the shuttle and smiled at him.”</p><p>              “How do I… work with this, then?” I tilted my head, lip caught in a bruising grip between my teeth. “I surely won’t be <em>smiling </em>at Kylo Ren very often.”</p><p>              “No, but like I said, I felt the pull. It was the Force, I know. We need to get you to feel it for yourself.” She shifted further towards me. “Smile at me.”</p><p>              “At you?” I drew my brows together.</p><p>              “I am strong, Aiene,” she reminded me. “I am as close to Kylo Ren as you will get until you see him.”</p><p>              I nodded in agreement, giving in to her logic. “Just smile?”</p><p>              “Just like you did at Poe.”</p><p>              I rolled my shoulders back, returning myself to Princess Aiene to center myself in my memory. I peeled my lips away from my teeth, curling them up into a charming smile. This close, I could see Rey’s pupils dilate, expanding so furiously that I worried her pupil would entirely consume her iris.</p><p>              It was startling clear that <em>she </em>felt something. <em>I</em>, however, felt nothing. There was no pull, no tug, no buzz, nothing. Not even a knowing feeling somewhere in my gut or my head.</p><p>              “Good,” Rey commented. “I felt it. You charmed me. Did you feel anything?”</p><p>              I shook my head with a sigh. “Nothing. It was just a smile.”</p><p>              “It was <em>not</em>,” she defended. “If you got me to feel something, I think you can get Kylo Ren to feel something.”</p><p>              I groaned. “Yeah, if I smile at him.” I buried my face in my hands, elbows digging into my thigh muscles. “How often am I going to get to smile at him before he skewers me?”</p><p>              Rey’s face softened in defeat. “Try again, Ene. We have to keep trying.”</p><p>              I sat up straight again, once again rolling my shoulders back. I shot her a brilliant smile, and her pupils bloomed the very same way they did before. Still, though, I felt nothing. What the hell was I supposed to feel? No one could answer that. Even Leia had never seen this before.</p><p>              “Still nothing?” Rey looked at me intently, her eyes shining with determination. I shook my head at her in response. “Try again.”</p><p>              We continued for more than an hour, until my cheeks hurt and absolutely refused to move that way anymore. Her pupils expanded time and time again, but never once did I feel even an inkling of whatever tug she insisted she felt in my memories. Truth be told, I could hardly even feel the Force’s presence in my being at all.</p><p>              Deeming a change was necessary, Rey grabbed random people from the hallways to test this on them. It was useless. Clearly I could influence their affections as I pleased, but this pull I was supposed to feel continuously evaded me.</p><p>              Frustration boiled over. It was infuriating to know that my fingertips were skimming something just out of my reach. My cheeks hurt, my head hurt, I was tired. Finally she called the session to an end, suggesting we get dinner instead.</p><p>              Rey assured me that I did not need to stress over this, reminding me that I had no deadline. She promised I would feel the Force’s presence soon enough. Despite that, I still felt a clock hovering over my head. Every day that passed, people were dying.</p><p>              People I could have stopped from dying just by being with Kylo Ren.</p><p>              I tucked these thoughts away, urging myself to stop dwelling on them for the night. If Rey believed in me, there had to be some truth in her words that I was just missing.</p><p>-----</p><p>              It was a lucky accident that I felt the tug at all.</p><p>              It had taken months, so many that I had already been with the Resistance for a year and a half. We had tried and tried and tried in between different lessons and practices, trying to not burn myself out so fast.</p><p>              I was focusing on something about Rey when the Force kicked me in the side. It brought my attention to the gentle kindness and experience in her eyes, and I smiled at her. It was then that the Force finally graced me with its presence, a burst of energy in the back of my head.</p><p>              My heart shot into action, filling me with adrenaline to remind me of what was inside me. I grabbed it like a rope, strung it along, and dumped my head into the vat of energy at the base of my skull. Her pupils expanded further, and she leaned closer to me, almost trance-like.</p><p>              I fumbled over the Force in my hands, keeping her eyes locked on mine. I let the connection go after a moment with a soft exhale, unbaling my hands at my sides.</p><p>              “That was new!” She beamed, leaning away from me. “What did you do?”</p><p>              “I felt it,” I replied simply. “I took ahold of it and strung you along with it, I guess. But that was a little much, right? He would have to know what I was doing.”</p><p>              “Perhaps, but we can work on subtlety later. You just need to keep doing that for now.”</p><p>              The exercises repeated. Every day for weeks, I pried that energy away from the back of my head and into my hands, pulling Rey along for the ride.</p><p>She described it as being lost in someone’s eyes, but they were the most astonishing eyes she had ever seen, full of colors she had never even seen before. Rey added there was never a feeling of love, but she felt drawn to me for reasons she couldn’t put her finger on. It left her a choice, but not much of one.</p><p>This made sense with what Leia had said all those months ago.</p><p>I knew this would work. I didn’t know why. That certainty felt rooted in a dream from some time ago, one I couldn’t remember any details of no matter how hard I tried. Perhaps it wasn’t a dream at all.</p><p>It was time for me to work my magic. People were dying everywhere in the galaxy. The Resistance was getting tired, and the First Order never faltered. We outsmarted them countless times, but what about when we weren’t there? When we were too late?</p><p>The thought of pretending to love a monster was gut-wrenching. It was simple enough—slip into the cracks and make him bow to me, enough to convert him and then have him executed. Simple as it may have seemed, I knew Kylo Ren was no idiot. There was a careful balance that would require a lot of stupid experimentation to determine. Too much and he would retract, too little and he would lose interest.</p><p>Play it smart, though, and I would break him just enough to squeeze into the holes I cut. He would never feel whole again without me. He would never drag himself from the depths of my being. This was a bitter sin but the rewards I would sew were very, very sweet.</p><p>-----</p><p>I knew the truth would come to light eventually.</p><p>Our relation remained undefined. The topic hadn’t come into conversation, but a gentle probe of his mind showed he already considered us to be together. I supposed he deserved to know about me becoming buddy-buddy with the enemy—particularly the man who tortured him—but I did not want to tell him. I didn’t want to be the one to break that news to him.</p><p>I had no choice, though. I knew it well.</p><p>He walked me home from the cafeteria one night, his arm comfortable around my waist. My panic was completely lost on him, tucked underneath the mask I put on.</p><p>I didn’t know how to tell him.</p><p>I unlocked my door and allowed him in, pulling it shut behind us. He made himself comfortable on my bed, as he always had, watching me with his large eyes. My lips quirked into a sad smile, the heaviness of what I had to say weighing my chest and my ankles down.</p><p>“I have something to tell you,” I began, sitting on the corner of my bed.</p><p>He shifted slightly, suddenly uneasy. “I’m listening.”</p><p>“Leia called me into her quarters about five months ago,” I said, fingers twitching in my lap. “She told me I can draw people to me in a way she had never seen before. She said I can influence people’s affections.”</p><p>“So you discovered a new strength? That’s fantastic, Ene. What makes you so nervous about it?” He cocked an eyebrow at me.</p><p>I sucked in a deep, shaking breath, continuing, “Leia told me that I am being reassigned. She’s sending me aboard the <em>Finalizer</em> to bring Kylo to his knees, convert him, and bring him in for execution.”</p><p>I didn’t dare look at him for a moment. He sat silent and unmoving at my headboard. Poe was tense, emotionally and physically. I felt sick all of a sudden.</p><p>“I’ve gotten really good at it, Poe. Leia knows. I’m leaving in a week.”</p><p>He was silent for a moment more. So many emotions melted off him and right through my fingers as I tried to piece his mental state together. Lifting my head, I found he was staring at my blankets, his face blank. I reached out and touched his shoulder.</p><p>Poe flinched.</p><p>I drew my hand back, wondering what I was supposed to say to him now.</p><p>“When exactly were you planning on telling me?” He mumbled, his voice laced with betrayal. He spoke quietly but his words were loud in my ears.</p><p>“I wanted to tell you sooner. I didn’t know how to say it to make it easier.”</p><p>“Am I supposed to take this well?” He raised an eyebrow pointedly. “You’re my girlfriend, and you’re going to seduce the enemy. Am I really supposed to take that well?”</p><p>I stuttered over my thoughts when he called me his girlfriend. Reality hit me after a second, and I shook my head in response.</p><p>“It wasn’t my choice, Poe. I’m the only Force sensitive here who can do this. It has to be me.”</p><p>Poe stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes soft. I couldn’t tell what was on his mind, but I knew he understood that I was right. This was what I came here to do. Poe couldn’t take that from me.</p><p>He kissed me, long and slow. My eyes fluttered to a close, and I let myself relish this feeling—the stubble against my face, his palm against my cheek, the scent of his cologne this close.</p><p>“I understand.” He nodded. “I’m just scared. I don’t want to lose you.”</p><p>“I know,” I whispered, leaning my face into his palm. There was so much comfort in the way he touched me. “I’m scared, too, but I have to do this. This is my chance, Poe.”</p><p>He looked at me, maybe even inside me. I felt oddly naked and vulnerable when he looked at me this way, like he could see my soul and was speaking to it.</p><p>“I’m proud of you. You’re going to be just fine. If he’s really human underneath that mask, he would be a fool to not fall in love with you. Force ability or not.”</p><p>My chest swelled at his words. I pulled him in for a tight hug, burying my face in his chest. His heart skipped a beat in my arms. We fit together so nicely like this. I couldn’t imagine having this with anyone else ever again.</p><p>We stayed like that for a long while. His steady heartbeat and calm thoughts lulled me to sleep. I prayed as I fell into slumber that he wouldn’t leave me this time—not tonight.</p><p>-----</p><p>Leia had since released me from work as a translator when the end of the week rolled around. I had trained with Rey for hours and hours in preparation for this, yet somehow I felt brutally unprepared.</p><p>              Rey promised me that I was prepared to survive on the <em>Finalizer</em>. I didn’t know how much I trusted her faith in me.</p><p>              Finn warned me that it was far more formal on the <em>Finalizer</em>—far tenser, too. There was familiarity in it from Hayu, if I could still seamlessly adjust after a year and a half on D’Qar.</p><p>              I wondered if he would sense my sensitivity like Leia had. It wasn’t much of a stretch to foresee his suspicion if I didn’t actively try to feign clueless.</p><p>              We were gathered in the hangar, a small circle at the base of the ramp onto the shuttle. I swallowed my fears, even with my heart running laps along my ribcage.</p><p>              Leia delicately placed a folder of documents into my hands, as if they were turn to ash if she were not careful. “I’ve faked records for you.”</p><p>              I smiled, tucking my nervousness under my tongue. “Thank you, Leia.”</p><p>              Her eyes twinkled somberly at me. Leia grabbed my shoulders, looking into my soul. “Be careful, Dear. Bring him back.”</p><p>              “I’ll do my best. I’ll see you as soon as I can.”</p><p>              I gave her a tight hug, letting out a soft sigh. She had become the most motherly figure I had ever had. I felt like I was losing her by leaving.</p><p>              “Be careful out there,” Finn warned once I turned to him, enveloping me in his arms. “You’ll do great. You’re a badass princess who’s going to kick some First Order ass.”</p><p>              I laughed and playfully punched his shoulder, grateful for the distraction. “Don’t you forget it! Thank you for always believing in me, Finn. I won’t let you down.”</p><p>              I turned to Rey next. She didn’t seem nervous about this at all.</p><p>              “I believe in you,” she said, smiling at me. “You’re strong. You may not see it now, but you are. There is a network on your data pad that you can use to communicate with me if you are in a tough spot.”</p><p>              I tugged her into a tight embrace, letting out a deep exhale. Some of the weight left my chest knowing I was not ever going to truly be alone.</p><p>              “Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t be here without you.”</p><p>              We rocked side to side for a moment before I pulled away from her. My eyes stung with tears. She smiled sadly at me while her energy drifted into me. There was still no worry, only sadness in letting a friend go. She patted my shoulder before giving me a small shove in Poe’s direction.</p><p>              Oh, Poe. My face crumpled, and I nearly burst out crying at the sight of him. I waddled into the safety of his chest, wrapping as much of him up in my arms as I could. We didn’t speak for a moment, our mouths glued shut with the heaviness of what we knew would be the last time we would see each other.</p><p>              “I’m going to miss you so much,” I whimpered, pulling my face away from his chest, my hands grabbing tight fistfuls of his orange jumpsuit. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you there.”</p><p>              Poe hushed me, stroking my freshly-dyed blonde hair. “You will be just fine, I promise. I have so much faith in you. You’re going to wreck that bastard even more than you think right now. He has no choice but to fall in love with you. A man can’t help himself.”</p><p>              The next words out of my mouth slipped free, but I meant them all the same.</p><p>              “I love you.”</p><p>              Poe’s cheeks erupted with crimson, but he replied without missing a beat. “I love you, too.”</p><p>              He reached into the pocket of his white vest before pulling out a glimmering, scarlet stone on a golden chain. He clipped it around my neck, his fingers dancing against the skin of my neck like lightning dancing with the trees.</p><p>              “Something to remember me by, but also something to let you know we will always have eyes on you. We can track your location with this. You’re never alone, Aiene.”</p><p>              “Thank you.”</p><p>              I wiped my eyes and pressed my lips to his firmly for a moment, clutching him to me like I would die if I let him go. He held me against his chest after, and I willed myself to memorize the sound of his heartbeat.</p><p>              This was the last time.</p><p>              “I’ll see you when I get back. I love you, Poe.”</p><p>              “I love you, too. As much as it pains me to say it, you should go.”</p><p>              I fought back a pained whimper and nodded in agreement. He planted one last kiss on the top of my head before releasing me. I swallowed hard and sucked in a deep breath. The scent of his cologne lingered in the air. I never wanted to forget the comfort it brought me.</p><p>              I knelt down and patted BB-8 on his dome.</p><p>              “Bye, buddy. Take care of Poe for me, okay? I’ll be back before you know it.”</p><p>              He whined at me in response, letting out a sad symphony of beeps.</p><p>              “I know, buddy. I have to do what I have to do. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”</p><p>              I stood once more and took a final look at my friends.</p><p>              This was it.</p><p>              I turned and climbed the ramp, clutching the documents Leia gave me to my chest. I took my seat, finally allowing myself to let a single tear out. I swept my eyes over my documents and found they were typical records needed for employment.</p><p>              Ythelene Lyra Sothorne, they all read. I twisted the name around in my head. It didn’t feel right. I wanted to stay here and be Aiene for just a little longer, but I knew I didn’t have a little longer left.</p><p>              My chest was burning as the ship took off for Naboo, where the First Order had set up a temporary recruiting post. I fell asleep wondering why I had to be the one to do this while simultaneously thanking the stars for the opportunity.</p><p>-----</p><p>              I awoke shortly before we landed on Naboo, though the trip was hardly enough time for a nap considering Naboo’s position near the Outer Rim. The sleep was restless, and I felt worse waking up. My chest was still on fire.</p><p>              I glanced out of the window and stared out at the stars as we exited light speed. Was Poe out there somewhere? Was he looking at the stars too? My stomach twisted while my heart clenched in agony. I hoped Poe wasn’t as far away as he felt.</p><p>              He had to be out there somewhere, speaking to the stars in hopes that they would speak to me.</p><p>              I relaxed in my seat, screwing my eyes shut. I hugged my knees to my chest and fought back a hot stream of tears again. Crying wouldn’t help me. Nothing would bring me back to D’Qar now.</p><p>              The only solution to the problem I found myself in was crushing Kylo Ren underneath my heels. He <em>would </em>bow to me. Even if he refused to acknowledge his thoughts and feelings, he was a human underneath his helmet. He had emotions. I would make him feel them all.</p><p>              The ship came into Naboo’s atmosphere, cutting my thoughts short. Outside my window, I was greeted by an array of landscapes: rolling plains in one area, swampy forests in the next, churning seas next to vast expanses of green.</p><p>              It was beautiful, to say the least, enough to knock the breath from my lungs. I wondered if I would ever have seen Naboo had I never left Hayu.</p><p>              The shuttle landed in some sort of hangar. The ship hummed for a while before the ramp slid out. In those moments, I had sent Rey a message to let her know I made it. She replied immediately. I already missed her.</p><p>              I wiped the smile off my face with the sound of the ramp deploying. I shoved the data pad back into my bag and grabbed ahold of my suitcase, juggling my papers in the crook of my other arm.</p><p>              The heat greeted me suddenly. I squinted in the light and frowned, wishing someone had warned me that Naboo was sweltering. A whole lot of Stormtroopers stormed toward me once I made it off the ramp. They searched me quickly, their hands cold and their motions entirely too robotic for comfort. They released me from their search, and two of them guided me towards a table of papers.</p><p>              “Fill them out,” directed one blankly.</p><p>              I wondered what his name was. They were all the same to me, except for Finn.</p><p>              I sighed and took ahold of the papers, not at all wanting to figure out what the machinery they held in their hands could do. Their footsteps behind me and around me were loud in the silence of the hangar, up until the moment the shuttle’s engine started. It soon disappeared into the atmosphere, and then into space, a dot in the sky and then nothing at all.</p><p>              I filled out their forms with my lip sucked between my teeth. A stormtrooper directed me towards a man standing rigidly at a table towards a set of double doors. They gave me a rude shove in his direction, and with a huff I advanced toward him.</p><p>              He was high in rank; I could tell that without looking at his sleeves. He exuded class and power just by the way he stood and looked at people. This man seemed so powerful that even his red hair was not disobedient, staying directly in place despite the gentle breeze of a fan overhead. His eyes, sky blue, were piercing. I wondered if I had just gotten impaled with a dagger when he looked at me—or was he looking through me?</p><p>              “Name.”</p><p>              I swallowed hard and straightened my posture. “Ythelene Lyra Sothorne, Sir.”</p><p>              He gestured towards the papers in my hands, his fingers covered by black leather gloves. I handed them over without a second thought, seeing how he was clearly set on looking through them.</p><p>              “You worked for a Resistance-aligned company. What a change of interests,” he mused, handing the file back to me before accepting the set I had filled out.</p><p>              His eyes seemed to burn holes into the papers.</p><p>              “Their beliefs are not my own, Sir,” I replied, tugging Princess Aiene out of her shell for a moment. “Most of my coworkers were Resistance sympathizers. Hearing their daily banter became too intolerable. I did not belong there. I seek employment where others will share my beliefs rather than belittle me for them, Sir.”</p><p>              A pleased grin worked its way onto his lips, an eyebrow cocked in amusement. He smoothed a strand of hair away from his forehead. “A smart woman. Welcome aboard.”</p><p>              I blinked suddenly, shocked that this was all it took to get into the First Order’s ranks. “Oh. Well, thank you…” I faltered for a moment, aware suddenly that I did not know this man’s name.</p><p>              “General Hux,” he finished for me.</p><p>              “Thank you, General Hux,” I thanked him properly, my nerves settling.</p><p>              Obviously he was not Force sensitive. I was safe here, for the time being.</p><p>              “A shuttle will be by to pick up recruits within the next fifteen minutes. There is a door behind me. Open it and wait in the room with the other recruits, Ms. Sothorne.”</p><p>              “Yes, Sir. Thank you.”</p><p>              I grabbed my suitcase and peered up at him. He was still looking at me, his eyes steely and frozen. I smiled at him.</p><p>              His eyes melted like a cube of ice chucked into a fire. Perhaps I had overdone it, but I supposed I needed as many allies as I could get. This was war, after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Too Close</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was cold, so cold I could feel it in my bones. That was the first thing I noticed once I stepped aboard the <em>Finalizer</em>. The rest of it was a blur of black, grey, and chrome underneath white lights overhead.</p>
<p>              We were led into a room where an orientation of some sort was being held. I cared for little of it, and neither did the girl who sat next to me. She looked bored out of her mind, her chin propped up in her palm with tendrils of light brown hair dangling around her face.</p>
<p>              “Bored?” I whispered, attempting to make myself as small as possible.</p>
<p>              “Extremely,” she whined, pushing her black glasses up her nose. “My name’s Dyna. Yours?”</p>
<p>              “Ythelene,” I replied with a tiny smile. “What’s your job?”</p>
<p>              “Translator.” She briefly looked up from her shoes to glance at the presentation General Hux was giving, but she was quickly bored again. “You?”</p>
<p>              I smiled again. “Translator.”</p>
<p>              We both shut our mouths as General Hux’s footsteps neared. We glued our eyes to the screen, pretending to have listened this entire time. As he passed, I shot him a charming smile. He thought he hid it well, but I watched him falter for a half-second when his pupils swallowed the blue sky of his eyes. Perhaps I had tugged a little too hard, but I supposed there would be little consequence. Having a man this powerful as an ally couldn’t fail me; his rank and rigidness seemed to make him a safe target.</p>
<p>              The orientation came to an end not long after General Hux had come close. We received small slips of paper with our room numbers on them, the keys to our quarters, and maps to the <em>Finalizer</em>. This ship was so large that I felt beyond the map’s help.</p>
<p>              Dyna and I wandered the ship, maps clutched in our hands so tightly that our knuckles were white. My nerves were on fire, lighting up at every single shadow I saw. This didn’t feel real, and I didn’t feel safe.</p>
<p>              “Ah, finally,” Dyna huffed, matching the room number posted on her door to the number on her slip of paper.</p>
<p>              I looked up from the tile I had zoned out staring at and blinked once, readjusting my eyes. I found the number on my paper on a door across the hall from Dyna.</p>
<p>              “See you on the flip side, Thelly!” Dyna flung her door open dramatically before parading into her room, disappearing after a moment.</p>
<p>              I chewed my lip and unlocked my door with my key. Other recruits around me seemed lost in their own thoughts. Some were excited, others wildly uncomfortable in their new environment. Not that I could blame them. I was convinced I could get my neck snapped just by breathing wrong around here.</p>
<p>              I found my room to be larger than my quarters on D’Qar, just slightly. Everything was in shades of black, white, and grey, with subtle chrome accents. There was a bed in the back corner, pressed against the wall and beneath a pane of transparisteel. The curtains hid the view of space from me.</p>
<p>              Not far from the bed were a desk and drawer, both black with silver knobs. In the center of the room was a black table with a screen perched atop it, sitting just in front of a small black couch.</p>
<p>              I stepped inside a bit further, shutting the door behind me with a soft click. It felt safer here now that I was shut off from the rest of the ship. I shuffled over to the dresser, pulling my suitcase after me. I had not brought much. I couldn’t afford to.</p>
<p>              Pulling open one of the dressers, I found it full of clothing already. Uniforms, I realized—standard issue sweaters with the First Order insignia plastered proudly over my left breast, tea-length skirts, straight-leg dress pants, and oxfords. All of it was black.</p>
<p>              And all of it was in my size.</p>
<p>              I wondered if that was on the form. It had to have been. I must have told them.</p>
<p>              I took ahold of the sweater and held it up to the light, drawing my fingers over the material—thick, so we would not freeze aboard this icicle—and then the crimson patch on the chest. Was I supposed to put those on?</p>
<p>              There was a knock at the door. Knitting my brows together, I made my way over and tugged it open. General Hux stood there, a black overcoat draped over his shoulders. His hair seemed so bright all of a sudden.</p>
<p>              “General Hux,” I greeted primly, unable to wrap my head around why he had shown up at my door. “You will have to excuse my surprise. What brings you to my quarters?”</p>
<p>              “I was just checking in on you. Of the five translators I recruited today, I have found you to be the most qualified. Thirty languages, correct?”</p>
<p>              “Yes, that is correct, Sir, though that does include Basic.”</p>
<p>              “Amazing,” he commented, lips stretching into a small smile. “I hope you find your quarters to be adequate.”</p>
<p>              I returned his smile politely. “Of course, Sir. They are much more than what I am used to.”</p>
<p>              As if.</p>
<p>              “Good to hear. I look forward to working with you, Ms. Sothorne.”</p>
<p>              “Thank you, Sir. It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance.”</p>
<p>              He retreated down the hall, his overcoat swishing behind him like a cloud of smoke. Dyna’s door popped open as soon as he was out of earshot. She scampered over to me, doe-eyed with disbelief.</p>
<p>              “What was that about?” She teased, lightly smacking my shoulder. “You’re totally going to hook up with him, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>              I snorted. The idea was laughable, so outrageous to me that it made my head spin. “Oh, of course. That is absolutely my goal.”</p>
<p>              As if.</p>
<p>              “I wonder what prompted his interest,” I thought aloud.</p>
<p>              I already knew. I knew exactly what I had done.</p>
<p>              “Probably because you’re hot,” Dyna pointed out blankly, a big laugh bubbling past her full lips. “They’re all going to try to snatch you up.”</p>
<p>              My face wrinkled with discomfort. “I hope they don’t. I’m not looking for anyone.”</p>
<p>              “Ah, come on, what’s the harm? Have some fun!” chided Dyna, eyes glancing down at the map in her hands. “Hey, it’s already time for lunch. Want to grab something from the dining facility?”</p>
<p>              “Yeah, that’d be great. Do I need to put that uniform on yet?”</p>
<p>              “What uniform?”</p>
<p>              I made a face at her, unsure of how to answer.</p>
<p>              “Weren’t there uniforms in your dresser?”</p>
<p>              “No…? Were there in yours?”</p>
<p>              I made another face at her.</p>
<p>              “I could bet you any amount of credits that General Hux had them put there for you. Put it on since you already have them. For the rest of us who haven’t caught the general’s eye, issue isn’t until after lunch.”</p>
<p>              I rolled my eyes at her but ducked into my room. The uniform made me feel something odd the longer I stared at it. It felt wrong, almost dirty. My days of wearing Resistance uniforms were over. My gut wrung itself into a knot.</p>
<p>              With a sigh, I slid into the sweater—warm, very much so—and the tea-length skirt and oxfords. I knew well General Hux had them placed here. Choosing him as an ally was already proving to be fruitful.</p>
<p>              Dyna was leaning against the wall, studying the map in her hands when I returned. She shot me a friendly smile and walked with me, our shoes making soft clicks against the tile. All was well as we made absentminded, casual conversation—</p>
<p>              Until my brain began to itch. I ground my teeth together in discomfort, my nose crinkling. I stopped abruptly, feeling the itch spreading into the roof of my mouth and my throat. It wasn’t long until my bones began to writhe under my flesh.</p>
<p>              “What’s wrong?” Dyna asked me, big brown eyes shimmering with concern.</p>
<p>              “Let’s go this way, instead,” I urged, grabbing ahold of her hand.</p>
<p>              I knew what was happening.</p>
<p>              Of course I knew what was happening.</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren was coming.</p>
<p>              I flooded my mind with innocent thoughts of the oceans I saw on Naboo, just in case he came close enough to pick my brain. Hopefully I would manage to stay out of his sight for now.</p>
<p>              Dyna sputtered at me, demanding to know why we couldn’t just take the normal way to the dining facility. I ignored her questions, only stopping when my brain and body calmed. I knew it was stupid to run from the man I was trying to seduce. I had been here for four hours, and the opportunity had already presented itself—yet here I was, cowering like a child scared of the dark.</p>
<p>              It was too early, I told myself. How could I have put my heart into this mission when it still cried out for Poe? I had time.</p>
<p>              Dyna tutted at me and thumped my head, her eyes searching the map while she desperately tried to figure out where I had taken us. I sighed and searched my own map, not sure I could remember where my fear had pushed me.</p>
<p>              As quickly as it had left, it was back.</p>
<p>              Every single cell in my body began to breathe fire. He was coming again, but why? My eyes scanned my surroundings as I willed my heart to relax in my chest. It appeared we had found ourselves in a hallway of quarters, but whose?</p>
<p>              I yanked at Dyna’s hand again, but she merely rolled her eyes at me and kept searching the map for our position and a route to take.</p>
<p>              I felt him turn the corner before I saw him. His proximity washed over with me like a wave swallowing up a swimmer. My heart dropped into my stomach with a shriek. I looked away from him as soon as I laid eyes on him, willing my fearful thoughts away. I struggled to think of a safe topic to think about.</p>
<p>              Even his walk was powerful, I thought, replaying the swish of his black robes around his massive, muscular frame. He seemed unmerciful just by the way he moved.</p>
<p>              Dyna finally noticed him and tucked herself further against the wall, her eyes wide in shock.</p>
<p>              “Let’s go,” I pleaded in a low whisper, tugging at the hem of my sweater insistently.</p>
<p>              I pressed myself against the wall, focusing on my map as he drew nearer. I willed myself to ignore the glint of chrome on his mask, the flutter of wind that ruffled my skirt as he passed, the heavy thump of his boots against the tile.</p>
<p>              He marched past us, and for a moment, I swore we were in the clear. I had just breathed my sigh of relief when he came to a dead stop. He turned on his heel and strode back to us until he stood directly in front of me.</p>
<p>              His height devoured me. I was relatively tall myself, but he dwarfed me. Even his shadow was heavy, even suffocating. He stole my breath and strangled me with just his presence.</p>
<p>              “Name,” he demanded, his voice heavily distorted by what I assumed was something in his mask.</p>
<p>              I couldn’t see where he was looking, but I knew he was talking only to me.</p>
<p>              “Ythelene Sothorne, Sir.” I swallowed hard, tucking my hands behind my back so he couldn’t see them tremble.</p>
<p>              “These are quarters for high-ranking officials. Get out.”</p>
<p>              I almost winced. “We got lost, Commander Ren. I apologize.”</p>
<p>              He peered down at me wordlessly for a moment longer. I knew I had my chance then. It was risky, maybe even stupid.</p>
<p>I blocked him from my thoughts for a split second. In this privacy, I focused on the Force in him and the Force in me, drawing a link between us and clamping down on it. The energy was alive in the back of my head, just as it was with Rey.</p>
<p>              As soon as the wall was up, it was down. He stared at me silently for another moment, but without seeing his pupils, I didn’t know if it worked.</p>
<p>              He stomped away suddenly, hands balled into fists at his side. I fell back against the wall, my head hitting it with a painful <em>thunk</em>. It worked this time, but blocking him from my thoughts would become too obvious.</p>
<p>              I followed him with my eyes as he disappeared from my view. Dyna looked over at me, mouth agape. I was sure she considered this to be just an intimidation technique, but I knew it was more than that.</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren knew something—perhaps not for sure, but he picked up on something. There was no denying that, but I figured I could still trick him into believing I was nothing special if I played my cards right.</p>
<p>              “Let’s go. The mess hall is this way,” I said, pointing down the hall at the direction we needed to go.</p>
<p>              Dyna stared at me, her face contorted with confusion. “You think I have the stomach for food after that? I thought he was going to kill you!”</p>
<p>              I lied, “I’m surprised he didn’t. It was probably a one-time thing, though. We are new after all. He probably just wanted to intimidate us.”</p>
<p>              “Right.”</p>
<p>              Dyna glanced down at the end of the hallway into which Kylo disappeared, tucking her hands into the pocket of her sweatshirt.</p>
<p>              “You really think that won’t happen again?”</p>
<p>              I gave her a deceiving smile, followed by a breathy chuckle. “I doubt it. He probably won’t even remember my name.”</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              Life became routine, as it did on D’Qar, with the added bonus of news of Kylo Ren’s antics. I heard stories of the many ways he liked to express his anger rather often. Often, it was just using the Force on an unsuspecting staff member, though I did recall hearing about the time he sliced into a control panel with his lightsaber. The backstory behind that was merely a rumor.</p>
<p>              Everyone cowered in fear of his rage, but I found it pitiful. I knew he could control it better than he chose to, but I wondered what drove him to display his anger like that and where all this rage came from. I figured I would never get answers, not that I needed them for what I came here to do.</p>
<p>              Five weeks passed without even an inkling of his presence. Whether he was even on the ship was a mystery. Not one part of me cared. Now that I was here, I had all the time in the galaxy.</p>
<p>              Translating documents and holograms filled most of my time, the rest of it spent proofreading other works from the other translators, leaving my eyes raw and red at the end of each day. It kept my mind off Kylo Ren, at least.</p>
<p>              I sat in a large crowd in the hallway, on the way back from the dining facility with Dyna and the other translators. Everyone parted suddenly, flooding the edges of the hallway to make room for him to pass. I had long known by the needle-like sensation in the back of my head that Kylo Ren was approaching.</p>
<p>              I ducked behind a tall male to get out of his view. Closing my eyes, I built that bridge between us again, pulling at him the way I was trained.</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren came to a screeching stop in the hallway, his hands balling up so tightly at his side that my own knuckles stung. By then, I was safely inside the empty conference room I had cornered myself against. Peering through the blinds, he searched the crowd for someone—he did not know it was me—but quickly realized he could not find what he was looking for.</p>
<p>              He did not even know what he was looking for.</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren continued his angry march down the hallway. I didn’t budge from my hiding spot until the itch in my head faded.</p>
<p>              I continued that sort of taunting and teasing for a few more weeks. I did not intend to avoid him, but I couldn’t afford to completely disregard my safety. This would have all been pointless if he stuck his lightsaber through my chest this early.</p>
<p>              The General sent me a data pad message one morning, roughly three months into my stay on the <em>Finalizer</em>, informing me of my assignment to a last-minute negotiations meeting. And for some Star-forsaken reason, it was not a captain or lieutenant who would negotiate like it was every other time.</p>
<p>              No, this time Kylo Ren would do the talking.</p>
<p>              A bad feeling settled into the pit of my stomach, like someone had just poured acid down my throat. I knew it was only a matter of time until I had to interact with him. I only hoped that he would hardly even notice me, too busy with the meeting to pay attention to who his translator was.</p>
<p>              I made my way down to the negotiations room, smoothing out the wrinkles in my sweater and pants. No one I passed gave me a second look. It still baffled me how well I fit in here and how unsuspecting everyone was. They were all looking at a Resistance spy, and they didn’t even know it.</p>
<p>              I pushed those thoughts away and quieted my mind, urging myself to not ruin this before it even began.</p>
<p>              With a deep breath, I pushed the door open, making my way to the table at which Kylo Ren and a reptilian creature sat. The itch in the back of my head devoured my entire skull. I struggled to swallow my discomfort.</p>
<p>              The creature looked at me with its big, bug-like eyes and spoke a greeting to me. I greeted him back politely, sliding into the seat between the Commander and the reptile.</p>
<p>              “What did he say? asked Kylo Ren.</p>
<p>              I wondered if I would ever get used to that electronic voice of his.</p>
<p>              “He greeted me, Sir. I greeted him in return.”</p>
<p>              The Rodian spoke again, his voice deep and rumbling like thunder.</p>
<p>              I translated, “Speak first, Commander Ren.”</p>
<p>              They spoke back and forth for a long while, so long that the information became jumbled in my head. I wasn’t meant to know anything, but I knew from the sharpness in Kylo Ren’s tone that he was not happy, or maybe the Rodian had something he desperately needed.</p>
<p>              An hour passed before they both stood, and the Rodian left the room. I stayed at the table, waiting to be dismissed, but how he lingered was not lost on me.</p>
<p>              I looked up from my leather oxfords to find him staring in my direction—at me? I feigned innocence and pretended to wonder why he was looking at me, though deep in my brain I knew exactly why.</p>
<p>              I turned away and looked out the window, my eyes tired of all the white and chrome surrounding us. My thoughts wandered to Naboo, of the oceans and rolling plains. Idly, I wondered if Poe was looking at the stars, too.</p>
<p>              My concentration shattered.</p>
<p>              I slipped up.</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren knew it.</p>
<p>              I shut my eyes and threw caution to the wind, tugging at him, tempting him with the Force.</p>
<p>              “You may leave.”</p>
<p>              I chewed the inside of my cheek, knowing it had worked to some degree. “Thank you, Commander Ren.”</p>
<p>              I stood and made my way towards the door, forcing myself to walk instead of sprint. The air had gotten thick, so tangible I thought I might choke on it. I ran a hand through my hair, smoothing it to compose myself.</p>
<p>              I headed toward the mess hall, deciding to skip out on the few minutes left of my shift. As I walked down the hallway, though, I became keenly aware of the pinpricks of someone’s eyes on me, far too akin to the itch I feel around Kylo Ren.</p>
<p>              Craning my neck, I looked to see if anyone was watching me, but the hallway was empty.</p>
<p>              What was going on?</p>
<p>              Then my head began to hurt.</p>
<p>              It pounded endlessly against the wall I had built so long ago. The cries it made behind the wall were muffled, deep and strangled. I swallowed the pain and the lump forming in my throat, forcing myself to continue on my way. The voice could struggle all it wanted. It would never find its way onto the other side of this wall.</p>
<p>              I slid into a table at the dining facility, and my headache had only just begun to subside when Dyna arrived with two other translators. I gave them a smile, detaching my fingers from my temples. The plate of food in front of me remained untouched, this time not because of the way the cooks prepared it. When the voice receded, it took my appetite with it.</p>
<p>              “You alright?” questioned Dyna, tilting her head at an angle.</p>
<p>              I shook my head. “Headache.”</p>
<p>              “Sorry bud,” she replied,</p>
<p>              “It’s fine,” I assured her with a wave of my hand. “You know, I worked with Commander Ren today. He kept me after and just kind of stared at me. Didn’t say anything. Just stared.”</p>
<p>              “Because you’re hot,” Dyna commented, digging into her food. “Is it so bad having the Commander lusting after you?”</p>
<p>              I rolled my eyes. It may have seemed like innocent attraction to her, but it was so much greater than that.</p>
<p>              “I suppose not. I’m still not looking for anyone, though.”</p>
<p>              The other translators pressed for details, but I kept mum about it. They could not protect any of this information from him, but I could. After some time, I left for my quarters, angered and exhausted by their nosiness. Such lack of restraint would get them skewered by Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. Not that that would be my issue.</p>
<p>              By the time I had made it to my quarters, I had managed to brush away my anger, though I knew I was one annoyance away from snapping.</p>
<p>              Burying myself in my blankets, I rolled over to look through the pane of transparisteel. I thought of Poe then, wondering how far away he might have been. We hadn’t spoken since the day I left. The stars looked sad at that thought.</p>
<p>              I thought of the time he first kissed me, the way his lips felt and how his hands held me close. The memory transported my brain back to D’Qar, opening the box inside my head that I had refused to touch. My heart yearned to go back, but it knew it was impossible all the same. I was not done yet.</p>
<p>              I put the lid back on the box, wondering what Poe was doing, how everyone was doing. Wondered what they were doing right now, how close they were. If they thought of me. What time was it on D’Qar?</p>
<p>              I cursed the war for driving Poe and I this far apart. I couldn’t even begin to put a number on this distance. Imagining the distance put me to sleep.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              Three more months past, full of translating negotiations with Commander Ren. I soon found out that he was requesting my presence. Rumor had it that when I was ill and unable to make it, he refused to speak to the translator who came in my place. He didn’t even stay.</p>
<p>              I was pleased to know how caught up in me he was becoming, but I knew I was running out of time. He had to have known about my Force sensitivity by now. The clock was ticking; he was going to ask, and I felt it would be soon.</p>
<p>              How well I played this cat and mouse game did not help my case. I teased him, sometimes not messing with his affections at all, other times prodding constantly. He squirmed under my influence; the image would be sweetened only if I got to see his pupils dilate.</p>
<p>              He was beginning to crack, if only slightly. The way I played with him deceived him into believing his own heart was betraying him. His anger at himself and his confusion towards his feelings pulsed off him so strongly that they nipped at my ankles whenever I would leave the negotiations room.</p>
<p>              Yes, Kylo Ren was absolutely beginning to crack. I knew it by the invitation he gave me after a meeting had concluded, directing me to come to his office. I had been lounging on my bed, looking out into space, when he had sent me the message on my data pad.</p>
<p>              I did not even know where his office was, truthfully. At first, I decided upon following my senses, knowing the Force would guide me to him, but I realized that was just what he wanted. Why go through the effort of a blood test or interrogation if I would just reveal it so blatantly?</p>
<p>              Smart, but I was not that stupid.</p>
<p>              I requested his office number, and a moment later I received a response. 389-BN, he said, which still did not tell me where his office was. Somewhere on the third floor. Probably by the cluster of conference rooms there. In any case, I had thwarted the threat. How I got there was up to me.</p>
<p>              Once I stumbled upon the chain of 389- rooms, my heart raced in my chest. I didn’t consider just what made him want to see me. Had he already figured me out?</p>
<p>              I frowned and urged myself to stop thinking so much. I shook my head to refocus my attention on the task at hand, pushing away all the negativity and fear from my mind.</p>
<p>              You know nothing, you are not scared, I told myself.</p>
<p>              I willed my heart to slow down, and after it fell back into a steady rhythm, I raised my hand to knock. The door opened on its own, a gust of air ruffling my hair as it did so.</p>
<p>              Gulping, I stepped in and shut the door behind me, reluctant to take my eyes off him. He still wore his mask, the bucket of doom. It was impossible to tell what he could have been thinking. He moved so little that I questioned if he were sitting there or if it were just a mannequin.</p>
<p>              Intimidated, I slowly stepped forward and slid into the black leather seat in front of his desk. It matched the rest of his office, filled with varying shades of black and grey.</p>
<p>              I couldn’t tell where he was looking, but I knew he was looking at me judging by the heat raking itself over my body. Was he looking at me, or through me?</p>
<p>He was unwavering, shoulders snapped back, hands balled into fists. Kylo Ren seemed to stare endlessly at me, his silence crushing me like a meteor. I understood that he sensed my Force sensitivity; the degree he was studying me with couldn’t have meant anything else.</p>
<p>“Ms. Sothorne,” he said after a moment longer. “The First Order is meeting with…”</p>
<p>He continued to speak, but I struggled to understand him. His voice became dampened, and the distance between him and I felt far greater than a desk with how hard it was to hear him. My fingers tapped against the arm of my chair, but I heard it fine.</p>
<p>“Sir,” I interrupted, giving him an apologetic look. “I apologize for interrupting, but I cannot hear you well.”</p>
<p>I looked at his mask—there had to be settings or something he could adjust. Maybe he messed with a gear or something earlier by accident?</p>
<p>He reached up and unlocked his mask, pulling it off his head and setting it on the floor.</p>
<p>When he looked at me, my heart clenched. Stuttered. Screeched to a halt.</p>
<p>I didn’t know what I was expecting to be underneath his mask. Truthfully I had not even been entirely sure he was human, Leia’s son as he may have been. Whatever I pictured, it was not the man looking back at me.</p>
<p>Long black hair, flowing freely in waves to his shoulders.</p>
<p>An aquiline nose, tall and regal.</p>
<p>Thick, pink lips, slightly crooked but oddly endearing.</p>
<p>Pale skin speckled with entire constellations of freckles.</p>
<p>A long, jagged pink scar splitting his face into two halves.</p>
<p>And then I met his eyes.</p>
<p>I had never seen eyes like his, all molten amber and liquid gold. They were set on me, emotions swimming beneath the lava of his irises. I was starstruck.</p>
<p>The gold in his eyes sent me home, landing me on the tiles of the castle and the shards of honey in Jaso’s eyes. His eyes hardened when he heard me think of Jaso—surely he now knew who Jaso was and that I once loved him the way people loved in fairytales. I did not care.</p>
<p>I found an odd comfort in his eyes. He took me home so quickly. I didn’t know how much I yearned for that.</p>
<p>There was so much familiarity in such foreign territory.</p>
<p>“Is that better?” Kylo Ren asked, his amber eyes taking the path down my nose to my lips.</p>
<p>I nodded, managing to compose myself. “Yes, much better, Sir. Again, I apologize for the interruption.”</p>
<p>“It is of no importance. You must understand me.”</p>
<p>I nodded, willing myself to keep my focus on his voice rather than the rest of his face. Stars knew I tried and failed.</p>
<p>“As I was saying, Ms. Sothorne. General Hux has planned an interplanetary meeting between some of our leadership and representatives of Order-controlled planets. We require a translator to decipher the languages spoken. Seeing as you appear the most qualified, I ask you to come with me.”</p>
<p>I blinked, taken aback by his offer. “With you, Sir? I did not believe you attended events of this sort, Sir.”</p>
<p>“I don’t.” He failed to hide his annoyance, none of it directed at me. I picked up on underlying tension and hatred in his aura. “My presence was requested. I will rule these planets one day. I must familiarize myself with them.”</p>
<p>“I understand, Sir.”</p>
<p>There was silence for another moment. I tore my gaze away from his face and looked around the office, waiting for a dismissal. There couldn’t have been anything else left to tell me.</p>
<p>When he continued to hesitate, I looked back over, ready to request permission to leave. I found him looking intently at me again, the look in his eyes slaughtering the words in my throat. I avenged their death by poking and prodding at his affections, starting with a sneaky tug and slowly increasing my focus on the link between us.</p>
<p>Just as I expected, his pupils devoured the honey expanse of his irises.</p>
<p>“Is everything alright, Commander Ren?” I feigned innocence, sitting up straighter.</p>
<p>Then I smiled at him, ever so softly. Just enough to express my concern and kindness, but enough to make him swoon.</p>
<p>“I am fine,” he replied after another quiet moment.</p>
<p>I twirled a strand of blonde hair around my finger, drawing my eyes up and down his face, looking for something else to say. I had done enough so far.</p>
<p>His expression softened, his guard weakening just a bit. The cracks in his walls were only expanding, practically beckoning for me to fill the gaps.</p>
<p>He sighed, enamored.</p>
<p>Kylo Ren was weak for me, a measly translator.</p>
<p>“I understand you have yet to dismiss me, Commander Ren.” I leaned forward and rested my forearms on the metal of his desk, clasping my hands together. “Would you like me to stay?”</p>
<p>He did not speak for a moment. His eyes hardened again, burning holes into my face. “What are you doing to me?”</p>
<p>I sat back in my chair, suddenly discouraged by the clenching of his jaw. He bit down hard, the muscles in his face straining against his skin. Had I gone too far?</p>
<p>“Nothing, Sir. How could I be doing anything to you? I am just a translator, as everyone knows. I cannot use the Force to manipulate things and people like you can, Sir.”</p>
<p>His eyes narrowed into slits at me. I felt him in my head, skimming the thoughts and memories I had deemed safe enough to leave out in the open. He wanted a sign that I knew what I was doing. I refused to give him one.</p>
<p>“Are you alright, Commander Ren?”</p>
<p>Without missing a beat, he demanded, “Get out.”</p>
<p>Kylo Ren stood abruptly, turning his back to me to gaze out the long pane of transparisteel behind him. I swept my eyes over his figure before standing as well, pushing my chair in. I watched him for a second, unsure of what this meant for us.</p>
<p>“Thank you for considering me worthy of this opportunity, Sir. I am honored.”</p>
<p>Kylo Ren said nothing.</p>
<p>“I will ask General Hux for the details and report as instructed, Sir.”</p>
<p>Then, suddenly, he said, “There is no need.” There was a hostile edge in his voice, sharp enough to cut me. “Report to my office tomorrow by the beginning of day shift. The event is formal, so do not report in your uniform.”</p>
<p>“Yes, Sir,” I replied. “Thank you, Commander Ren. I have native Hayun gowns; would one of those be appropriate?”</p>
<p>“Wear what you must.”</p>
<p>I nodded though he could not see me and took my exit, glad to finally be free from the confines of his office. I had not even noticed the pressure on my shoulders until I left. My body felt sore and exhausted, though I had done nothing except sit there.</p>
<p>With a sigh, I began the long trek back to my quarters.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Distance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I laid awake that night wondering for hours if I had blown my cover. Had I made it too obvious? Had I done too much? Why would he have suspected that I was doing something to him if he didn’t already know?</p><p>              Was it merely a suspicion? Was he just concerned about how he could have been feeling such a way?</p><p>              I decided that I was going to have to play it safe this time. Kylo Ren would have to come to me on his own, if he was even capable of that at this time. There was no way I could take a risk this big this soon.</p><p>              I wondered how I was going to lure him in without the Force. What was I supposed to do, talk to him? Did he even talk to people?</p><p>              I awoke the next morning after restless sleep, still mostly unprepared for the task I faced in a few hours. I hauled myself out of bed, hardly able to keep my eyes open as I rummaged through my drawers for my uniform.</p><p>              After a bowl of boring, military-grade oatmeal at the dining facility, I returned to my quarters. I pulled a black gown off the rack in my wall locker, careful with the belt of opals and diamonds, and pulled a corset out from my dresser.</p><p>              Once I had successfully suffocated myself with my corset, gown, and lace collar, I moved into the bathroom. Princess Aiene stared back at me in the mirror, blonde this time. All I was missing was my crown. I felt far less glamorous without it.</p><p>              If I found any solace in spending so much time on my makeup, it was that it would lure Kylo Ren to me without using the Force.</p><p>              I thought of Poe then, how he never needed the Force to fall for me. My mind travelled back in time to the moment I stepped off the shuttle—the constant hustle and bustle of pilots and mechanics in the hangar, the heavy rumble of generators, the blush on my cheeks, Poe’s friendly grin. He was charmed without needing any help.</p><p>              It had been nearly five months since I had last seen him or spoken to him, but I could still feel his arms around me like I had seen him just yesterday. If I tried hard enough, I could still smell his cologne in his sweaters. Cedar, musk, soft and dreamy. Comforting, just like him.</p><p>              I hoped he had not left me behind already. I thought I might shatter if he had forgotten me.</p><p>              My heart was still buzzing when I arrived at Commander Ren’s office. I danced my hands over the bun at the nape of my neck and the braids leading into it, checking for any loose strands. I had spent an embarrassing amount of time styling my hair the way I had worn it as royalty. It was never the same, not until my onyx color was back.</p><p>              The door opened with a hiss. I jolted but pinched and pulled my gown away from my feet. I held myself with the posture and grace of a princess, but I hoped only meekly that he would notice. He managed to rob all the confidence I had been taught to have.</p><p>              “Commander Ren,” I called to alert him, as he had his back turned to me when I entered. He was still unwavering, a solid mass of black robes and metal. “Good morning.”</p><p>              He did not respond. I let out a breath heavy with defeat and sunk my teeth into my cheek. I stayed where I was, my fingers fidgeting nervously behind my back, and stood there in silence. I didn’t know what to make of this behavior.</p><p>              He found me beautiful, I thought to myself, but made not even one move to look at me. Denying himself this pleasure would not save him.</p><p>              I knew he heard that, but he remained staring out into space. I looked down at the floor, tracing invisible patterns in it, trying to distract myself from the weird feeling in my gut. Was I angry? Was it because he was ignoring me?</p><p>              The idea of giving Commander Ren such power over me made me sick to my stomach. His beauty was not enough to let him manipulate my emotions.</p><p>              “Your thoughts are loud,” he commented as the clock struck eight, the deep chime echoing through his office.</p><p>              He spun to face me then, his fingers going to free himself from his mask. His beauty did not fail to astonish me.</p><p>              I huffed, cocking an eyebrow. “Stop listening to my thoughts, then, Sir.”</p><p>              “What are you doing to me?”</p><p>              I tilted my head, giving a façade of innocence. “I am doing nothing, and I have done nothing, Sir. May I ask what you believe I am doing?”</p><p>              He did not answer me. He looked away from me again, running a hand through his hair to keep it out of his face. The confusion desecrating his face was intriguing. His whole body was tense, plagued by whatever emotions flushed through his system; even his grip on the desk was tight. I did not like whatever he was trying to show me. This did not bode well for me.</p><p>              “What do you find so wrong?” Kylo Ren asked, looking up from the carpet.</p><p>              “Why are you in my head?” I snapped, knowing I would likely pay for that later.</p><p>              I expected to be Force choked at most, at the bare minimum scolded and demeaned.</p><p>              He mumbled, “I will do nothing of the sort.”</p><p>              I made a face at him, clearly unimpressed by his ability to read my thoughts, and swallowed the words I wanted to say to him.</p><p>              “I will not do what you suspect I will,” he insisted. He met my eyes then. “I will not.”</p><p>              His pupils were blown again. I did not do anything.</p><p>-----</p><p>              Kylo Ren and I sat through a boring, sleep-inducing conference somewhere in the belly of the <em>Finalizer</em>. I was not sure how I made it out, even as I was actively translating. I listened because I had to; Kylo Ren, I could tell, was present only physically. I didn’t want to know where his mind had taken him.</p><p>              We found ourselves at a formal event afterwards. I had never seen so many species of people, humanoids, and other creatures interact together. Some of the beings present I had never seen before.</p><p>              As soon as I entered the hall, the room fell dead silent, and the weight of everyone’s eyes on me threatened to squash me like a bug. I gave a nervous smile, searching for Kylo Ren among the crowd, but when I couldn’t spot him, I fell back into step with Princess Aiene and rolled my shoulders back. The only sounds ruining the quiet were the click of my heels against the tile and the swish of the train of my gown on the floor.</p><p>              General Hux found me first, offering me compliments that stroked my ego. I smiled brightly at him, and his pupils consumed his irises. Oops. That one was an accident.</p><p>              He brought me around on his arm, introducing me to different royalty and political representatives of planets. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Kylo Ren brooding in the corner. I didn’t have to guess to know he was looking at me and wishing he could skewer the general with his lightsaber. They never did get along well.</p><p>              Luckily enough for Kylo Ren, I was tiring of General Hux, and I wanted to be on his arm instead. Every time I turned to meet someone new, I found myself attempting to get a glance of my commander. My mind drifted to thoughts of him spinning me around over this ivory tile, one of us the moon and the other the sun.</p><p>              After some time, I excused myself under the guise of getting a drink. Truthfully, I could not bear pretending to care about these beings any longer. He made a comment that left me chuckling as I strolled towards the bar, but the laughter died in my throat when I made contact with a wall of solid black.</p><p>              “Oh, my apologies, Commander Ren,” I apologized. “I’ll not stand in your way, Sir.”</p><p>              Just as I moved past him, thought, he froze me from the shoulders down. I swallowed thickly and craned my neck over my shoulder to peer at him through my eyelashes.</p><p>              He spoke into my head, “You wanted to dance with me. Wait for me after the event ends.”</p><p>              I closed my jaw nearly as soon as it dropped, hoping he did not catch my awe. He released his grip on me and retreated back to his spot in the corner.</p><p>              I needed a drink, I thought to myself. Perhaps he was playing this cat and mouse game, too. And perhaps he was better at it then I was.</p><p>              The bartender slid a glass of pink wine across the counter to me. I took a sip, shaking my head at myself. I didn’t like what this meant for me.</p><p>              Once I finished the glass, I took another one from the bartender and made my way to the corner Kylo Ren occupied. I did not want to go back into the crowd, so I hid away with the one other person I knew.</p><p>              “You are not enjoying yourself,” he spoke, standing even more rigidly than before. “What is the reason?”</p><p>              I shrugged. “It is nothing astounding, Sir. I am unacquainted with everyone other than yourself and the general. That is why I have a glass of wine.”</p><p>              If I hadn’t known any better, I would have thought I heard a soft chuckle come through his mask.</p><p>              “I <em>am</em> a human,” Kylo Ren retorted.</p><p>              I rolled my eyes once, making an unamused face at him. “I know that, Sir, but there are easier things to remember. With the way you act, I was not sure you were a person under that mask until you took it off.”</p><p>              He frowned at me, balling his hands up into fists at his side. “How else did you expect me to act? I am busy restoring the galaxy to its rightful state.”</p><p>              “ I understand, Sir,” I replied dryly, telling myself to keep mum unless I wanted to find out what a lightsaber tasted like.</p><p>              “You insist I will bring harm to you,” he spoke in my mind. I thought his voice sounded a little hurt.</p><p>              “I have seen you ruin control panels for lesser things, Sir,” I said pointedly, taking a sip of my wine.</p><p>              Speaking in my head again, he countered, “You are not a lesser thing.”</p><p>              “I am just a translator.”</p><p>              “There is more to you than that. Mind your beauty and talent, Ythelene, for once.”</p><p>              He had said that in my head, making it almost uncomfortable intimate. The glass of wine nearly slipped from my grasp, and I almost choked on the sip in my throat. I looked away from him, studying the sea of people present, wishing I could pretend he had not said that.</p><p>              As I looked back towards Commander Ren, my eyes met with a gut-wrenchingly familiar pair of stone grey eyes. I could have vomited right then and there.</p><p>              It was Solenh. Of course, I could not escape that noodle-haired imbecile even after I died. I swallowed the annoyance and worry that lumped together in my throat as he approached, his eyes practically tearing off my gown.</p><p>              “I don’t believe we’ve met.” Solenh smiled at me, only making me want to gag. “I am Prince Solenh of Arula. Who may you be?”</p><p>              “Princess Aiene Yeuthorne of Hayu.”</p><p>              He visibly paled, and his smirk withered into a horrified gawk, which only made me laugh. If I was going to put up with his presence to hide that I knew who he was, I deserved to have a bit of fun. His presence alone was enough to make me want to strangle him.</p><p>              “I am only joking, Prince. She died two years ago. Rest in peace, our angel.” I pretended to wipe a tear from my pink cheeks. “Ythelene Sothorne, from Hayu.”</p><p>              “You look so much like Princess Aiene. Has anyone told you that?”</p><p>              Solenh brushed a loose strand of hair away from my cheek, his fingers ice cold against my skin. I wanted to bite his finger off. It would probably snap off so easily, given that it was almost guaranteed to be frozen after living in that cold castle of his for so long.</p><p>              “Yes, I have been, but obviously I am blonde. She had fuller lips than mine, and her eyes were bluer while mine are greener. I also have freckles. She had none.”</p><p>              Solenh’s eyes flicked to Kylo Ren standing a few feet away from me. I felt and delighted in his fear. He understood our proximity meant comfort; he didn’t want to know why I appeared so comfortable with the commander of the First Order.</p><p>              “Tell me,” I began. “Why is Arula here? I believed they were Resistance-aligned.”</p><p>              “They let my fiancée die,” he stated shortly, as if it were the most obvious fact. “They were careless and unable to care for the woman I was to marry, even for one day. Arula could not give our allegiance to an organization so careless.”</p><p>              Solenh stood with his chest puffed and his shoulders back, head tilted up. I assumed he had something to prove. Maybe it was his devotion to the First Order, or maybe it was his masculinity to deter Kylo Ren from pursuing the woman he had his eyes set on.</p><p>              I picked up on his nervousness, though. He was sweating at the forehead, and his hands played with the hem of his shirt as he spoke to me. Kylo Ren seemed completely unfazed just a few feet away, as if he were not paying attention to our conversation at all.</p><p>              But I knew he was.</p><p>              He wandered off without much of a fight. I cocked an eyebrow at his retreating figure, knowing Kylo Ren was responsible for that.</p><p>              As he left, General Hux approached again. He offered to introduce me to someone—I didn’t catch their name—before whisking me back off into the crowd.</p><p>              I spent the remainder of the event fraternizing with First Order allies and sympathizers. Not one word of the conversations stuck. I hardly remembered any of the rest of the evening, other than that I wanted to be back with Commander Ren—I did still have a job to do—but General Hux kept me glued to his side.</p><p>              I felt Kylo Ren’s eyes burning into my very soul. Then, I picked up a wave of something unfamiliar, something strong and nasty.</p><p>              Anger? No, too hot.</p><p>              Disgust? No, too shallow.</p><p>              Jealousy?</p><p>              My brain lit up with sparks. Was Kylo Ren <em>jealous</em>?</p><p>              A few conversations later, the event came to an end. I estimated it to be nearly time for dinner at the dining facility, if it had not already finished. The rest of the guests filtered out of the hall, but I stood in the center of the room sipping on another glass of pink wine. I had not forgotten what Commander Ren had told me.</p><p>              Once the last person left, I spun to face the corner Kylo Ren was in.</p><p>              He was gone.</p><p>              He was nowhere to be found.</p><p>              Why?</p><p>              Grinding my teeth, I set my now-empty wine glass on the counter and began the long walk to my quarters. I should have seen this coming. Getting Commander Ren to fall for me couldn’t have been so easy.</p><p>-----</p><p>              I let Dyna follow me into my quarters, her mouth full of questions. She and I plopped down onto my mattress with a bowl of fruit we stole from the dining facility. I was heavy with defeat, but she was buzzing with curiosity.</p><p>              “So?” Dyna jabbed my shoulder with her finger. “Details?”</p><p>              I snorted and shook my head, amused.</p><p>              “I believe Commander Ren is showing signs of feelings for me. He called me beautiful, for one, and he called me to his office for realistically no reason.” I popped a tart berry into my mouth. “After the conference, we had a formal event. It was going well, but I spent most of the time with the general, and I swore Commander Ren wanted to kill him.”</p><p>              Dyna gasped. “With <em>General Hux?!</em>”</p><p>              I nodded once, amused by her awe. “And then, Commander Ren told me to wait for me after the dance so he could dance with me. He must have heard me think about it. I did, but then he left.”</p><p>              Her jaw dropped, mouth hung agape. “He <em>left</em>?!”</p><p>              “He left. So I left, too.” My lip twitched in annoyance. “He confuses me. I know he is conflicted by what he feels. He keeps asking me what I am doing to him, like I can use the Force or something.”</p><p>              Dyna laughed and flopped backwards on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I mimicked her, munching on a few more sour berries before letting out a quiet sigh.</p><p>              “Have you ever seen him without his mask?” I asked quietly.</p><p>              Dyna shook her head, turning to look at me.</p><p>              “He’s beautiful,” I said, lips quirking into a dreamy smile. “I haven’t seen eyes like his before, like honey and amber. And his lips are so full and pink, just a little bit crooked—”</p><p>              She sat up immediately, eyes awash with evidence of her sudden epiphany. “I thought you weren’t looking for someone.”</p><p>              I propped myself up on my elbows, shooting her a look.</p><p>              “I’m not. I can appreciate a man’s beauty, though, can’t I?”</p><p>              She rolled her eyes, clearly not believing me, and laid back down. Her hand fumbled in the bowl for more fruit. “You’re into him, aren’t you? It’s more than just finding him attractive.”</p><p>              “Absolutely not.”</p><p>              “Can you even hear yourself, Thelly? You sound like a schoolgirl with her first crush on a boy.”</p><p>              “He’s just handsome. I hardly know him.”</p><p>              She hummed in response, the sound reaffirming her disbelief. Sighing quietly, I stared up at the ceiling, pushing the bowl of berries in her direction. I didn’t know what else to say or do. Dyna couldn’t be right. I was on a mission, and I had strict guidelines to adhere to. They made it clear during the deployment brief that I was not allowed to involve my own feelings.</p><p>              “Let’s go for a walk,” I spoke suddenly. “I can’t stay in this room any longer.”</p><p>              She nodded and stood, hooking her arm with mine. “Where to?”</p><p>              “Anywhere. I just need to clear my head.”</p><p>              “Thinking about Kylo Ren?”</p><p>              I rolled my eyes. “Not at all. I have bigger worries than him.”</p><p>              Thankfully, she did not ask what I meant. I wouldn’t have had an answer for her if she had.</p><p>              After a while, a small crowd of people rushed past us, crying out shrilly. One yelled at us to turn around, warning us that Kylo Ren was in the middle of another rage-fueled rampage somewhere down the hall. They speculated that General Hux had done something to piss him off.</p><p>              I chuckled lowly, pulling Dyna back towards my room. I knew it was not General Hux, but me.</p><p>-----</p><p>              Thirty days passed before I saw Kylo Ren again. Someone had said he was out doing something—whatever it was Kylo Ren did. Whatever it was, it was <em>not</em> on the <em>Finalizer</em>, which meant my mission was stalled, and people were dying at his hands. I didn’t like to think about that too much.</p><p>              I thought about Poe instead. It had been six months, but looking out at the stars never became any easier. I looked out at them every night, wondering if he was among them somewhere or if he was looking at them too. I fell asleep to thoughts of him coming to save me and how safe I would feel in his arms again.</p><p>              I was in the middle of looking out at the stars when my skull went up in flames. I knew then Kylo had returned from wherever he had gone, and he was approaching. I returned to my desk, falling into my seat in such a hurry that I nearly fell out, and went back to finishing a translation of intercepted documents.</p><p>              As I typed away, I felt his presence looming over my shoulder like a hurricane hanging over an ocean.</p><p>              I didn’t verbally acknowledge him. We had not spoken since before he left me hanging, and I was still bitter about the principle of it. That was another month I spent away from the Resistance. That was another month people died merciless deaths that I could have stopped if he were just <em>here</em>.</p><p>              I put my focus on the quirks and intonations of this language, but his unwavering presence was not lost on me. He crossed his arms over his chest; I would be stupid to not know he was staring at me. He would be stupid if he didn’t know I was ignoring him.</p><p>              “What are you doing to me?” He spoke suddenly, startling me. “You are doing something to me.”</p><p>              I swore under my breath and hit the backspace key a few times to undo the keys I smacked out of shock. Kylo shut the door behind him and took his mask off, setting it on a shelf in my office, which had been afforded to me after I was promoted to superior translator.</p><p>              Looking at him over my shoulder, I replied, “Sir, I have told you each time that I am doing nothing to you. I am baffled that you have come to the conclusion that I have the power to do anything to you. I am only Ythelene. I cannot help your attraction, but if you are so against it, coming to my office was a poor choice.”</p><p>              He stood there, face expressionless, but his amber eyes were alive with confusion. All he wanted was to know what made him so drawn to me. He just wanted answers.</p><p>              Not that I would give any to him.</p><p>              I felt for the Force in the back of my head and played with his emotions some more, building on the bridge of attraction that I had created before.</p><p>              Making up for lost time.</p><p>              His heartbeat filled the air around me, so rapid that it seemed to have life and a voice of its own, pleading for me to stop.</p><p>              “Are you alright, Sir?” I asked, fingers drumming against my desk. “Excuse me for being out of line, but I advise you take a seat. You appear unwell.”</p><p>              He nodded meekly and took the seat in front of my desk, wiping a bead of sweat off his cheek. I raked my eyes over his face, from his bright eyes to his pretty nose and then to his pink lips. Helplessly, I wondered if he was a good kisser with lips like that.</p><p>              Clearing my throat, my cheeks grew hot. I tore my gaze away and resumed working despite knowing I would not get any quality translations done with him so close.</p><p>              Kylo Ren smirked, as if he had won something.</p><p>              Five minutes passed. I grew tired of trying to pretend to ignore him. I looked up at him, and all he did was tilt his head at an angle, like he had no clue why I was giving him such a look. He raised one eyebrow pointedly, shifting slightly in his seat. I leaned over my desk and propped my chin up in my hand.</p><p>              “Who are you really, Ythelene?” Commander Ren asked, molten eyes scanning my face.</p><p>              Panic bubbled over in my abdomen before I could smother it. My heart sunk into my stomach and then shot up into my throat, choking the life out of any words I could have used to defend myself. I swallowed hard, pretending I was not on the verge of throwing up.</p><p>              “Exactly what are you asking, Sir? I thought you saw my records. I’m Ythelene Lyra Sothorne from Hayu.”</p><p>              “Why am I so drawn to you, then?” His brows furrowed. “You have to be doing something to me.”</p><p>              “Commander, I assure you that I am nothing more than a translator.”</p><p>              He sat back in his seat, searching my eyes for my soul.</p><p>              “There is more to you than that.”</p><p>              I scoffed. “Of course, there is. There is more to you than your position, isn’t there?”</p><p>              “Tell me more.”</p><p>              My lip twitched in defiance. “I don’t give that information away for free, Commander Ren. You’ll have to earn it.”</p><p>              He was quiet for a moment, weighing his options before he spoke. “Come to my quarters after you eat dinner. 692-DN.”</p><p>              Without another word, he rose from his seat and left. I blinked, not sure if I had heard him correctly. He wanted me to come to his quarters. <em>His </em>quarters. What had I done in my lifetime to deserve such an opportunity?</p><p>-----</p><p>              The time on the ship was eight twenty-seven at night. I had eaten nearly an hour and a half ago, and where was I?</p><p>              Not in Kylo Ren’s quarters.</p><p>              I ignored his invitation, justifying disobeying his order with the fact I never promised I would show up. This opportunity was amazing. I just could not afford to take it.</p><p>              His voice was too familiar. So familiar that it didn’t sit right with me. I loved the way his voice sounded, baritone, heavy in his throat and chest—but I couldn’t place what was wrong with it.</p><p>              Until that night.</p><p>              It felt familiar. Too familiar for it to have been because the stars guided us to each other. Too familiar to have only known it from a time in my life. The familiarity was painful, uneasy.</p><p>              And then it hit me.</p><p>              Kylo Ren had been in my head.</p><p>              The wall in my head was built against Kylo Ren.</p><p>              I was in a panic. There was no way I could face him knowing what I did. If I knew now, it couldn’t have been long until he knew, too. If he didn’t already.</p><p>              My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at my door, startling me so much that I nearly fell out of my bed. I sensed it was only Dyna, though, so I stumbled over to it and tugged it open. She barged in, words coming out her mouth with a speed so furious that I could not even begin to comprehend what she was saying.</p><p>              “Woah, wait, what?” I furrowed my brows together, taking a seat on the arm of my couch as she settled onto my bed.</p><p>              “Commander Ren is pissed.” She let out a laugh with notes of disbelief and amusement. “He tore up a room on the second floor. They had to evacuate the whole floor because of all the smoke. I wonder what pissed him off so bad.”</p><p>              “Me,” I stated simply.</p><p>              “You?”</p><p>              “He invited me to his quarters. I didn’t go.”</p><p>              Dyna gasped and then shot me a look that said more about her disappointment in me than her words ever could.</p><p>              “Revenge,” I answered shortly, shrugging my shoulders.</p><p>              Actually, I thought to myself, it was because I am a spy for the Resistance sent to get him to fall in love for me, and I fear he is figuring that out.</p><p>              But she didn’t need to know that. Not yet.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Like Alcohol</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I never thought I would get to play hide and seek with one of the most feared men in the galaxy. Amusing as it was, I did pity those who had to assess and repair the damage from his fits of rage. With their increasing frequency, people were beginning to speculate the source of his fury. Had something happened they didn’t know about? Had we suffered major losses?</p><p>              No, I would chuckle under my breath. It was just me.</p><p>              His search for me was constant, continuing long after my shift came to an end, but no matter where I was, his heavy presence in my mind served as a warning. He never came to my quarters, though. He at least had the courtesy to not snatch me out of my own bed.</p><p>              Two weeks passed, though, and I knew avoiding him had to end. There was not much more I could do to prolong my time here undiscovered, and if I kept avoiding him, I would lose my grip on him. The galaxy could not afford for my handle on him to slip.</p><p>              So I gave in. The next time he ordered me to his office, I came.</p><p>              I found him with his mask off, dark waves spilling onto his shoulders, liquid-amber eyes burning with surprise and confusion. For a while neither of us said nothing, just staring at each other.</p><p>              I took a seat without being invited.</p><p>              Did he have nothing to say?</p><p>              I kept my face blank, only peering up at him. His gaze didn’t waver—not that I wanted it to or expected it to.</p><p>              But perhaps he was just wasting my time. That was all he had done for the past few months anyway.</p><p>              I only thought that to elicit a reaction from him, but he still remained silent. Worry flurried in my chest for some reason I could not pinpoint.</p><p>              Maybe he had only called me here to see if I would come. He must not have expected me to show my face this time and thus didn’t figure out what he wanted to see me for.</p><p>              “You’ve been avoiding me,” Kylo Ren said, his face still expressionless minus the slight raise of his eyebrow.</p><p>              It was not a question. He knew.</p><p>              “Yes,” I admitted, tearing my gaze away from his.</p><p>              He didn’t speak for a moment, but the shock and confusion he felt said it all. I sensed no anger, but I wondered if he held any toward me. After antics like this, it was only natural.</p><p>              If he were to kill me now, what would have happened to my soul?</p><p>              “Why?” His eyebrows furrowed, and he leaned forward on his forearms to push himself closer to me. “Why are you so intent on believing that I desire to hurt you?”</p><p>              I snorted in disbelief, following it with an obnoxious eye roll. “You destroyed rooms over me not coming to your quarters. I beg your pardon for daring to believe that you would hurt me.”</p><p>              “Why did you avoid me?”</p><p>              My jaw tightened. I did not want to answer that question. I knew he would ask it, but I still had failed to come up with a plausible explanation. It was easier to just refuse to answer it, pretend he never asked it. Better yet, pretend I had never done it.</p><p>              I met his eyes, our gazes colliding like two shuttles. The comfort I found in his eyes had not faded at all. It was hard to pull myself from them then, so captivating and familiar that I let myself drown in them rather than swim.</p><p>              Images flashed in my brain, all of them snippets of moments I had never seen before. Kylo Ren was not in them—I did not think they were his memories. A flurry of silver hair. Golden eyes, framed by thick, brown eyelashes. Red, velvet curtains before tall, arching windows of stained glass. Stone bars to a jail cell, chipped and dirty.</p><p>              They faded as soon as they came, and I came to in the pool of honey in Commander Ren’s eyes. I was captivated, and he was only pulling me in further; I was the fish, and he had just stuck the hook through my lip.</p><p>              “Come here, Commander,” I spoke, my voice humming with a low rumble.</p><p>              Unexpectedly, he obeyed me, making his way to my chair. I stood and looked at him, moving the chair out from between us. My heart raced in my chest, so loud I swore he could hear it. He kept his face blank except for a tiny smirk on his lips.</p><p>              I wanted what I was about to make happen. I couldn’t lie.</p><p>              “Would you like the truth, Commander Ren?” I tapped my fingers against my thigh, attempting to calm myself by exerting some nervous energy.</p><p>              I felt for the Force running between us, followed it into his aura, and I dipped my fingers into it. I tugged at him, just barely, gauging the strength of his reaction by the steady blooming of his pupils.</p><p>              “Tell me.”</p><p>              His voice was deep, alluring, soothing, and momentarily I wondered if I was the one getting toyed with.</p><p>              I hesitated, the lie bitter and thick on my tongue, but I could not hold back for much longer. I didn’t want to hold back for much longer.</p><p>              “Truthfully, Commander, I often forget there is a real, living person under there, and I had forgotten that for most of my stay with the First Order… Until you took it off for the first time. I apologize for this, but I cannot bear denying it any longer. I feel something for you, Commander. That is why I have avoided you; morally it is wrong—”</p><p>              He murdered my lie with a kiss. His leather-covered hands cupped my cheeks, cool against the sudden, violent flush of heat that painted them. My eyes fell to a close, and I relaxed in his hands.</p><p>              I pulled away first, my mind wiped clean, only to have him pin me back against his desk and kiss me again. Kylo kissed me harder this time, his arms wrapped around my back to hold me steady. He drove me wild, made me dizzy, working me into submission so sweetly.</p><p>              He maneuvered himself between my legs, helping me hop up onto his desk. I tangled my legs around his hips once I was settled. Kylo’s hands wandered beneath my sweater and rubbed small circles onto the small of my back. I arched in his hands, my spine coming alive.</p><p>              He pulled away first this time. I panted quietly and diverted my eyes, unsure of where to look or what to say. He moved away from me, releasing me as he stepped back. I fought the pang of hurt ricocheting off my ribcage.</p><p>              Despite the distance he created, he tilted my chin up with a gloved hand and looked into my eyes. He was breathing hard, too, his chest rising and falling in time with mine, and his pale skin was nearly iridescent in the moonlight coming through the transparisteel.</p><p>              I moved off his desk to rest against it, sinking my teeth into my lower lip.</p><p>              No one had ever kissed me like that.</p><p>              I cleared my throat awkwardly, so encased in Kylo Ren’s presence that I found myself hardly able to breathe. What was I supposed to say?</p><p>              “Come to my quarters tonight,” he ordered firmly, all previous emotion wiped from his features. “692-DN. I expect you to be there this time.”</p><p>              I nodded once, my throat so tight that I wasn’t sure I could speak if I tried. He was so consuming.</p><p>              “You are dismissed.”</p><p>-----</p><p>              I sent a long prayer to the stars above before I left for Kylo’s quarters. I only slightly understood his motives for inviting me to his quarters. Some part of me still felt that he would force his lightsaber through my abdomen like a chunk of meat and roast me over an open fire.</p><p>              His door opened before I even knocked. I stood there for half a second, debating whether it was a good idea to go in. Shaking my head at myself, I shoved my weakness aside and entered.</p><p>              His quarters were huge, composed with grey, black, and white, with chrome accents—white walls, black tile, chrome side tables that held nothing. A large crystal chandelier hung over the center of the room, directly above a charcoal colored couch. I noticed he had several doors rather than the standard single bathroom door; only stars knew what laid behind each of those.</p><p>              “Commander?” I called out into the silence, but I received no answer.</p><p>              He was not in the sitting room, though I did spot his mask upon the matching coffee table. I wandered past it, brushing my fingers along the smooth leather of an armchair, heading towards a door I randomly chose. I couldn’t use the Force to find him.</p><p>              When I got close to the door, I felt something similar to a knife twisting into my gut. Danger, grave danger, shaken with painful electricity that seemed to spark my fingertips. My ears rung. I swallowed hard and tried the handle anyway—</p><p>              Didn’t budge.</p><p>              I breathe a sigh of relief and quickly turned away from that door, vowing to never come so close to it again. I walked toward the other door across the sitting room, still fighting off the heavy weight in my gut.</p><p>              It opened. I found him mostly disrobed, just in a black long-sleeve and matching pants. His amber eyes lifted from the floor, body straightening from his hunched sitting position on the edge of the bed.</p><p>              “You came,” he noted, just loud enough for me to hear the disbelief in his voice.</p><p>              I nodded, leaning against the doorframe. Everything in the room was black, minus the chrome flooring and light fixture overhead.</p><p>              “I said I would.”</p><p>              He did not reply, only stood and walked toward me. I had never felt so engulfed by his presence or so dominated by his height in the seven months I had been on the <em>Finalizer</em>.</p><p>              I pressed myself into the wall, brows knitting together as I tried to decipher the look on his face. My eyes searched the rest of him quickly, my back hitting the walls as he continued to approach. He had said he wouldn’t hurt me, but I couldn’t trust that so soon.</p><p>              His forearms boxed me in. I peered up at him, catching my lower lip between my teeth. I nearly trembled in anticipation, but I didn’t know then for what.</p><p>              One of his hands left the wall besides my head and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. He was gentle, slow, but I did not think he concerned himself with the thought of startling me.</p><p>              I found his face still was blank. The only hint I had was the thin ring of honey stretched around his pupils. Briefly, I wondered if my pupils had also grown, if what I had done to him had any effect on me.</p><p>              He cut my thoughts off by pressing his lips to mine. I stiffened but relaxed almost immediately, allowing my eyes to fall closed. My body responded before my mind could get ahold of itself, gripping his arms and returning his kiss.</p><p>              In the few moments he spent kissing me, images flashed across my eyelids again. A sage green gown I had never seen before. A library filled to the ceiling with books, an oil lamp burning on the desk. Blonde hair, freckles, but the rest of the face was blurry.</p><p>              Kylo pulled away, and the images faded into nothing.</p><p>              I wanted to kiss him again. I was choking on that desire, drunk off it. I would never drink again if I had Kylo Ren.</p><p>              My hands slipped away from his biceps, and I bit my lip again, ignoring my body’s pleas for more. Our gazes met in the middle with the same energy Starkiller imploded with.</p><p>              He made no moves toward me. For a moment longer, I made no moves toward him, until I decided I wanted to play this game after all.</p><p>              I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him, reaching up high on my tip toes. I kissed him deeply, my eyes tightly shut, and he waited no time at all to press me tighter into the wall and explore the skin of my stomach with his hands. I kissed him with desire and frustration that I did not understand yet; some of which I was not sure was even mine.</p><p>              He pulled me into his arms, wrapping my legs around his hips. He walked us backwards, kissing me with every bit of energy he could muster, until his knees hit the bed. Kylo lowered himself to sit on the edge, allowing me to straddle him. Vaguely, I was reminded of a past experience, but my memories were too muddled and my body too charged to think of it then.</p><p>              The sun was inside my body, I thought; every time I touched Kylo I worried I would burn him. I pulled away first to trail hot kisses down his jaw and neck. He moaned, the low sound rumbling from a place deep in his throat, and that was enough to pierce my abdomen with a jolt of electricity.</p><p>              Kylo stopped moving me, opting to wrap his hands around my waist. He pulled me flush against him, and our eyes met.</p><p>              “We can’t go further,” I stated firmly, still breathing heavily.</p><p>              He nodded, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair sticking to my face behind my ear. “I know.”</p><p>              I laid myself on his chest, inhaling the scent of his cologne. It smelled expensive, somewhat familiar, but I didn’t focus on it. Kylo’s body pressed against mine was distracting enough.</p><p>              “Have you eaten?” he spoke abruptly, still playing with my hair. I nearly purred.</p><p>              “No, I have not. I came here shortly after my shift ended. Why did you ask?”</p><p>              “I had a droid bring food up,” he stated, eliciting a hum of surprise from me. “This, any of this, may not be what you are used to.</p><p>              Understanding what he meant, I rolled off him and sat up, adjusting my sweater as I sunk into his plush mattress. I looked up at the intricate chandelier above his bed, wondering why so many had spoken of him like he was totally incapable of goodness.</p><p>              “They are not wrong. Do not be swayed by small actions,” he warned, getting up abruptly to head to the door. “Are you coming?”</p><p>              I cocked an eyebrow and snorted through my nose. “Oh, no, I was planning on staying right here, Sir,” I replied sarcastically and more or less wobbling to the door. “Perhaps this is overstepping my boundaries, but would you mind staying out of my head?”</p><p>              “I cannot help that you think so loud.”</p><p>              I groaned because I <em>could </em>help it—if I wanted to die—and followed him out into his kitchen at the edge of the sitting room. I took a seat at the table, fingertips dancing against the marble while Commander Ren lifted a couple of plates and a bottle of pink wine from the tray.</p><p>              It was cute that he remembered the wine I ordered from the bar.</p><p>              He took a seat across from me and pushed an expensive-looking plate in my direction. I didn’t know what was on it, but I had not eaten for at least seven hours. At that point, I no longer cared.</p><p>              I reminded myself to eat like Princess Aiene, straightening my posture. The way I was taught to eat had never truly faded from memory. His eyebrows furrowed when I eyed my silverware, looking for the right fork to select.</p><p>              “You need not worry about the formality of eating, Ythelene,” he spoke after a moment of observing me.</p><p>              “Oh.” I blinked, feeling a bit stupid. “I beg your pardon then, Sir.”</p><p>              “Kylo. Or Ren, if you are more comfortable with that.”</p><p>              I swallowed thickly while my heart skipped a beat in my chest. I was simultaneously intrigued and worried about what that meant for us, where in the timeline that placed us.</p><p>              I nodded once, drowning the girlish happiness bubbling in my chest with a sip of wine before it got any ideas. I could not—and would not, I refused vehemently—submit to this anymore that I already had. I had already done too much.</p><p>              “What makes you hesitant?” Kylo questioned, raising his eyes from his plate to gauge my reaction. “Obviously our feelings are reciprocated, yet you continue to hesitate.”</p><p>              I tried to hide my wince. The discomfort in his voice was not lost on me.</p><p>              “I am the Commander of the First Order. To expect that I would feel no discomfort toward this would be wrong,” he stated, drumming his fingers along the edge of the table. “I have more important things to concern myself with than a translator. Surely you must understand that.”</p><p>              I failed to hide my wince this time, but I nodded slowly anyway, choosing to look at the white walls and the black tiling beneath the cabinets. I didn’t understand why that hurt. He was blunt and ruthless all the time; this was no different.</p><p>              “You left my question answered. Why are you hesitant?”</p><p>              I redirected my gaze at him, ignoring the sting in my chest. “The last man I loved left me when I came to work for the First Order,” I revealed. “I did not know if I would ever return to Hayu. He knew that, and he left me.”</p><p>              I repressed the memory before it had a chance to resurface. That was something I could not let him see. I could barely stand to replay it.</p><p>              Silence followed. I returned my attention to eating, and for a while he did the same.</p><p>              “When did you get those?” Kylo asked, pointing at the two tattoos beneath the crook of my elbows with his fork.</p><p>              “I had these done a little more than two years ago,” I estimated. “I cover them.”</p><p>              “Do you regret them?”</p><p>              “Not at all. I just feel that the First Order deserves the utmost professionality.”</p><p>              He paused. “And yet you continue this.”</p><p>              That blow felt personal, almost. A poke at my judgement, a jab at my feelings, a stab at my morals. I hid yet another wince.</p><p>              “Perhaps,” was all I replied, preferring to sip my wine and hope it would buffer some of the pain.</p><p>              Kylo opened his mouth again but then shut it. I paid it no mind, letting him think whatever he wanted to think.</p><p>              Then, abruptly, “Tell me about yourself.”</p><p>              I looked up from my food and tapped my chin, leaning forward. “What is it you’d like to know?”</p><p>              “I have no preference.”</p><p>              I pursed my lips in thought. “Will you return the favor?”</p><p>              He stared blankly at me, his eyebrow raised. I overstepped my boundaries there, I thought. I did not ask again.</p><p>              I talked to him until my eyelids turned to bricks. He sat beside me, on the next couch cushion, listening intently. It did not take more than that to understand his stance on unsolicited physical contact. I did not mind.</p><p>              I stood, ready to retreat to my own quarters for the night, but before I could say anything, Kylo was asking me to stay.</p><p>              To spend the night.</p><p>              I craned my head over my neck, struggling to process the shock I felt. He did not have to tell me he was serious. I protested at first, insisting it was far too soon, but he reminded me that his attraction to me had been alive for seven months, and mine for him was born four months ago.</p><p>              I remained ready to protest, but he kissed me so, so gently, and suddenly I was not sure if I wanted to go back to my quarters anymore.</p><p>              He took my small hand in his, as if I would run away should he let go, and led me to his room. He released my hand and shut the door before rummaging in his closet. Kylo stuck out his hand, one of his black long-sleeve undershirts cradled in his fist.</p><p>              I blushed a crude shade of red and tugged at my lower lip with my teeth, accepting it cautiously. He did not budge after I accepted it, and I wondered how I was supposed to change if he did not leave.</p><p>              He pointed to the bathroom door a few feet away after catching wind of my wish to change in private. I blushed harder and closed the bathroom door behind me, letting out a deep exhale.</p><p>              When I returned to his bedroom, Kylo was already in bed, laying on his side with his blankets tugged lazily over his hips. He followed every move of mine with his eyes.</p><p>              Was I supposed to get in bed with him now?</p><p>              “Yes.”</p><p>              My blush returned as soon as it had faded.</p><p>              “May I ask when you will stop reading my thoughts?” I asked, crawling into bed with him, laying on my back with a safe few inches of distance between us.</p><p>              “When you stop thinking them so loudly,” he deadpanned, hiding a yawn with his hand.</p><p>              I chided my heart for beating so quickly. I tried to think less—nearly impossible.</p><p>              What was also nearly impossible was sleeping on my back, but I did not want to risk sleeping on my side so close to him. It was enough that I was in bed with him. He did not like contact like that—how was I to risk cuddling up with him?</p><p>              Almost on cue, he wrapped an arm over my waist and tugged my body against his, my back flush against his chest.</p><p>              I tried to wrestle away the smile that followed, but I felt blissful. Safe, even. My eyes fluttered to a close with a soft exhale, and sleep came to me much easier than it had ever felt before as he held me securely against his muscular chest.</p><p>-----</p><p>              To both my disappointment and relief, Kylo was not in bed with me when I awoke. A sweep of his side of the bed with my hand revealed it was cool to the touch; I thought for a second I was in my own bed. It was not until I saw the thick undershirt Kylo had let me borrow bunched up around my hips that I realized, no, last night was not a dream, and yes, I most definitely was in <em>Commander Ren’s </em>bed.</p><p>              I sat up with a yawn, tugging the thick blankets up higher to shield myself from Kylo should he have returned to his bedroom. I did not sense him in the immediate vicinity.</p><p>              Morning shift did not start for another two hours. I debated going back to bed, but I did not wish to overstay my welcome. I wondered how much sleep Kylo had gotten if he had left long before I woke up.</p><p>              I found my uniform neatly folded on top of his dresser. He never gave me permission to use his shower, but I did anyway. It did not seem to me like he would mind.</p><p>              I dressed in the middle of his bedroom and tugged my hair into a bun, smoothing it down with my hands. I left his quarters then, thanking the Force that it was early enough where few people would see me leave. How scandalous it would be for a measly translator to be seen exiting Commander Ren’s quarters.</p><p>              I choked down a quick breakfast in the dining facility before opening my office an hour early. Without Kylo or Dyna, who I had not seen since yesterday afternoon, I had nothing else to do.</p><p>              Almost on cue, Dyna popped her head in, begging for details from last night because somehow she knew I was not in my room. I ignored her whines and pleas for the most part, shooting her an eyeroll, and eventually she went to the work station with a faux pout.</p><p>              I had nearly finished my shift when there was a quiet knock at my door, and it swung open half a moment after. General Hux stood there, greatcoat pulled taut against him, blue eyes glimmering like the sea. Something in my stomach did not seem right then.</p><p>              He looked too pleased to see me.</p><p>              I offered him a polite smile, but the needles in the air told me something was wrong.</p><p>              “General Hux,” I greeted, rising from my seat to stand at attention before he waved me off to relax. “What brings you to my office, Sir?”</p><p>              “Commander Ren sent me to inform you of the conference you will be translating with Dyna Slater. You will be discussing the relationship between the First Order and Hayu. The king and queen of Hayu will be present.”</p><p>              I did not listen to much else. My face paled—I thought my whole body did—, and my heart clenched in my chest. All the blood in my veins turned to rusty, iron nails.</p><p>              <em>The king and queen of Hayu will be present</em>.</p><p>              My parents.</p><p>              The weight that settled onto my shoulders felt like the entire castle. This was not going to end well.</p><p>              I tuned back into General Hux as he said, “Commander Ren also desires you to meet with him after your shift to discuss the meeting with your gown and other necessities.”</p><p>              He smiled a tight-lipped, almost displeased grin at me. My cheeks erupted in a bright splash of red, wondering how Kylo could include that so casually. General Hux did not seem pleased about it either; the muscles and tendons of his clenched jaw struggled against his flesh.</p><p>              I did not get to say anything before he shut my door. The sound of his soft footsteps faded rapidly, leaving me alone with the ghost of this news.</p><p>              I reminded myself I was dead to my parents for two years. How could they have remembered exactly what I looked like?</p><p>              The clock struck four, signaling the beginning of midday shift, far sooner that I would have liked. I made my way back to my quarters and dug out the last Hayun gown I had to wear.</p><p>              This one was entirely white with a thin band of lace around the middle, exposing my bare skin, and diamonds and pearls encircling the hem, train, and sleeves. The lace collar was also white with strands of silver sewn in.</p><p>              I struggled to juggle the gown, my corset, my shoes, and my makeup bag in my arms as I hurried towards the sixth floor. The door opened again before I even knocked—which I was grateful for this time considering I had no hands to spare.</p><p>              I walked in, not spotting him in the sitting room. I draped the gown over the back of the couch and neatly placed my makeup bag and corset on the chrome side table, leaving my shoes on the ground beside it.</p><p>              As I expected, he sat on his bed, his legs crossed, legs tucked neatly in his lap. I shut the door behind me, breaking his concentration.</p><p>              “Commander?”</p><p>              I took a seat at the edge of his bed, memories of yesterday flashing vividly before my eyes.</p><p>              He sunk into the pillows propped against the headboard behind him. I smiled at him, knowing well what it would do. With my parents coming so soon, I could take no risks.</p><p>              He was entranced, his pupils wide and swimming with adoration. His confusion, while wordless, was obvious. It seemed as though he would never drink again if he could just look at me.</p><p>              I laid against his chest, peering up at him. Kylo kissed me then, one of his hands resting against my cheek. His lips felt like velvet, and his touch elicited a drunk buzz in my body. I melted into him, locked in this bruising kiss for a few moments longer before he pulled me into his lap.</p><p>              I was drunk off his touch; like alcohol, one touch just wasn’t enough.</p><p>              I wanted more, I would not strip myself of my desire. I knew under the surface that it was too soon; this had not blossomed enough.</p><p>              How we were unlabeled was not lost on me. I needed one; that was the whole reason I was even here. If I was just a toy to him, what was the point? Even if I were this close, I would fail.</p><p>              He pulled away, meeting my eyes. “That is not what you are to me. The extent of this reaches far beyond that.”</p><p>              I hummed in response, not entirely reassured. He kissed my temple while he skimmed my thoughts, lingering in the back of my mind to take an inventory of my feelings.</p><p>              “You know well we cannot yet put a term to what we have here, Ythelene, though you know as well as I do that this is exclusive.”</p><p>              A pang of guilt cut me to the core, my nerves alive like electric wires as it pooled in my stomach.</p><p>Kylo, having felt the shudder wind its way up my spine, asked, “What bothers you?”</p><p>“Nothing,” I replied after a moment, looking away. Then, carefully, “It’s a story for another day.”</p><p>-----</p><p>              He woke me early the next morning, shaking me awake gently. I sat up slowly, making sure to cover myself fully with his shirt, my eyes heavy with sleep. Kylo greeted me with his typical, monotone voice, though he probably intended it to sound endearing.</p><p>              I rested against his chest, eyes fluttering back to a close while my jaw nearly unhinged to accommodate such a huge yawn. Kylo kissed the top of my head, reminding me of the conference that began in two hours.</p><p>              With a huff, I shook my head at him. He slid his hands underneath the shirt he had given me, drawing on my stomach with invisible ink. The heat that met his hands woke me as if he had just tossed my body into a bonfire.</p><p>              “Alright, I’m up,” I whined, rolling out of bed.</p><p>              I took a hot shower that left me relaxed and smelling like him. One small—or large—problem arose as I exited: the straightening treatment in my hair had worn off, and my black roots were showing.</p><p>              No issue, I told myself, sweeping it into a complicated updo with braids, twists, and an old Hayun hair clip. They would hardly know.</p><p>              I worked my face into the perfection that was always expected of me, which only served to strengthen the anxiety slithering around in my belly. I looked nothing like Princess Aiene while simultaneously looking exactly like Princess Aiene.</p><p>              I was not sure how I felt about that. Nostalgic, perhaps, but the nostalgia did not mesh well with the blackhole in the pit of my gut.</p><p>              I stepped out of the bathroom and worked myself into the corset, my nimble fingers lacing them up as though I had done it all my life. I called for Kylo then, needing him to zip the dress for me and button the collar.</p><p>              He struggled too, yanking hard enough that I worried he would rip the fabric. “Why is your dress so tight?”</p><p>              “It was made for me,” I replied blankly. “Down to the last millimeter.”</p><p>              I sensed him trying to paint the picture of my life on Hayu, and he came up blank.</p><p>              “Made for you? Of what status were you on Hayu?”</p><p>              “You may just find out today,” I muttered under my breath, trying to pretend the ugly feeling in my abdomen was not growing stronger.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Identity Crisis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I looked up from the floor to find a gloved hand extended in front of me. I met Kylo’s eyes, but he gave no hints. I took it hesitantly, allowing him to help me stand. He left me for a moment, only to return as soft notes of music twinkled in the background.</p>
<p>              “I owe you a dance,” he said. I felt dwarfed by his height again.</p>
<p>              My heart swelled in my chest, bringing a blush over my entire body. Kylo’s lips twitched, hinting at a smile. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I looped my arms around his neck.</p>
<p>              We swayed in time with the song in the middle of his quarters. He was so beautiful; being this close allowed me to make an acquaintance of every mole and freckle on his face. I smiled at him, one of my hands coming to cup his cheek.</p>
<p>              The entire galaxy fell away. There was no First Order, no Resistance, no war, no conference. The entire world existed in my hands.</p>
<p>              Kylo kissed me, letting me taste the blossoming adoration that he did not know how to convey with words. His kiss grew hungry, but I knew we had no time. I pulled away, glancing at the silver clock perched over the door.</p>
<p>              “We should go,” I urged.</p>
<p>              “We can be late. I care not for time,” he replied, leaning in to kiss me again.</p>
<p>              I pressed my hands against his chest, keeping him at bay for the time being. “Dyna does not speak Hayuaine natively or fluently. I have to be there to help her keep up. If I’m not there, no one will understand everything the king and queen say. They do not speak Basic.”</p>
<p>              He sighed in compliance and pressed a kiss against my forehead.</p>
<p>              Few people were out this early in the morning, usually stuck in their offices as they finished the last hour or two of their shift. Their eyes all snagged on me as we passed. I glowed underneath their glistening eyes, just as I once did on Hayu.</p>
<p>              The conference room was full of high-ranking officials in the First Order, all dressed in their dress uniforms, proudly sporting the First Order insignia upon their sleeves. Besides my parents were a few officials who I immediately recognized. Everyone sat at a long, oval table beneath a large light fixture.</p>
<p>              Kylo took a seat at the point of the oval opposite my parents, and he signaled for me to sit beside him. I watched my parents from my seat; they were deep in conversation, and they had yet to notice me.</p>
<p>              Dyna entered a few minutes later, taking a seat beside me and startling me out of my observation. She shot me a look, easily communicating her desire to know where I was last night and why I wasn’t at dinner. I merely shot her a teasing grin, whispering that I would explain later.</p>
<p>              At the strike of seven, the conference began. Dyna began translating the greetings as I asked her too, handling it marvelously.</p>
<p>              My parents’ eyes punctured my body. The unsettling feeling from earlier came back then, congealing into my gut. I couldn’t shake it as much as I tried.</p>
<p>              They knew, didn’t they?</p>
<p>              As soon as I began to translate their sentences—a boring discussion about the conditions of allowing First Order access to Hayun Ore mines, as if they did not realize the First Order could just <em>force </em>them—my parents’ eyes narrowed. If their eyes were needles before, they grew into lightsabers and swords.</p>
<p>              I was a magnet to their gaze—of course I was—but I tried to not let that show on my face. Regardless, I felt Kylo’s presence in the back of my head as he picked up on my fear. I stuffed the information behind the wall where he could not touch it, determined to not let him know a single second before he had to.</p>
<p>              My parents and the officials spoke back and forth, referring to a presentation and a shifting, blue hologram in the center of the table. I had suspected for a while that the First Order would seek out Hayu. Such an alignment would give them access to mines, a bustling economy, popular trading posts, and property in distant parts of Hayu.</p>
<p>              Hayu was a large planet and fairly crowded, but my parents promised there was room for a smaller base in a certain sector for a smaller base, one that would likely go undetected. The proximity to the castle was concerning to no one but myself, it seemed.</p>
<p>              There was a lull in conversation while the First Order officials shifted to another hologram. I met my mother’s gaze then, and I knew I royally fucked up.</p>
<p>              She shot up out of her seat, her face burning crimson and contorted with rage. I could feel her anger from across the table. I sucked in a sharp breath and pretended to not be fazed by it, but the nervous look I sent Kylo’s way said everything for me.</p>
<p>              “I <em>know </em>you are my daughter!” my mother hollered, her face swallowed up by a shade of red that matched her lipstick. She pulled her lips into an angry frown, mouth agape as she screamed in rapid, blurred Hayuaine.</p>
<p>              I had little time to react before she had stormed over to me and grabbed me by my bun, yanking me up and out of my seat before slapping me across the face. It stung, and I bit back a snarl, but I took it, reverting to Hayun behaviors unwillingly.</p>
<p>              Both Kylo and Dyna stood then, reaching into the distance between us in an attempt to shield me, but I tweaked my hand under the table to move Dyna away gently before my mother could hit her, too. I hoped no one noticed.</p>
<p>              “I know you are Aiene! You will come back to Hayu with us, and I will have you killed for this, you treasonous bitch!”</p>
<p>              My mother hit me in the face again, pulling a small whimper from my throat. I had not even realized my father had risen and stormed over also, so focused on my mother nearly eating me alive in front of all the First Order officials who were too confused and fearful to intervene.</p>
<p>              Once my mother had hit me for the second time, my father wound back and landed a jab into my jaw. He forced his way into my face, spitting insults that no longer hurt my feelings with how often he used them on me before.</p>
<p>              Kylo barked at two Stormtroopers in the corner, and they rushed over with clunky footsteps to tear my parents away from me, yanking their flailing bodies into the corner, each pinning the barrel of a blaster to my parents’ chests. It had happened all so quickly that I was still reeling from my mother’s first slap by the time they had taken her.</p>
<p>              I leaned forward, resting one hand on my knee while the other came up to cradle my jaw. My tongue was flooded with the taste of iron, leaking onto my lip, then down my chin, then onto my dress. The familiar taste of blood brought reality back into focus.</p>
<p>              I knew what this meant for me.</p>
<p>              My parents were still kicking and screaming in the corner as I lifted my eyes from the floor, threatening to execute me with their bare hands as soon as they were freed. I wiped away the blood from my chin with my sleeve, sucking on my lower lip while the flames in my soul erupted.</p>
<p>              “Ythelene?!” Kylo grabbed my forearm tightly in both his hands, his brows sewn together in the center of his eyebrows with concern. “What just happened?!”</p>
<p>              His sudden touch made me flinch. Kylo wiped away a stream of blood from my lip with his gloved thumb, searching my face for any visible signs of distress. His own anger fanned the coals of mine, both of us restraining ourselves for a reason that was lost on the other.</p>
<p>              “Commander, I’m not Ythelene,” I mumbled just loud enough for him to hear. My words came out muddled, drowned with my blood and stomped out by the swelling of my cheek. “Those are my parents.”</p>
<p>              His eyes widened, the equation he was trying to solve plastered over his eyes.</p>
<p>              I forced a comical grin, splitting my lips to reveal my blood-covered teeth. “Princess Aiene Yeuthorne of Hayu at your service.”</p>
<p>              His jaw visibly clenched, shifting back and forth as he ground his teeth. “I will deal with your lies later. What are they saying to you?”</p>
<p>              “They know I am Aiene, Sir. They wish to bring me back to Hayu for execution, as I committed treason by abandoning Hayu.”</p>
<p>              He looked over at them, watched them squirm and fight for a moment. In that second, I met Dyna’s eyes. They were soft with glassiness, but they said more than I could decipher at the moment. I looked away, regretful.</p>
<p>              “Inform them you are Order property. I will not allow them to take you.”</p>
<p>              I nodded, swallowing thickly but struggling. I came close enough for them to hear me but far enough to avoid another injury.</p>
<p>              “Commander Ren has claimed me as Order property and refuses to allow me to be taken from the <em>Finalizer</em>.”</p>
<p>              They began screeching in protest, voices shrill and expressive like an animal being mauled by a predator. I promptly turned on my heels and took my exit, speeding out of the room. I was going to vomit if I stayed in that room any longer, my stomach too full of blood, fear, anxiety, and regret.</p>
<p>              I was making my way towards a restroom when I became aware of heavy, hurried  footsteps behind me. Too light to be Kylo’s, I noted as I craned my head over my neck.</p>
<p>              The figure that approached was blurry, but I made out a black uniform as they approached. I squinted to make out a face, but from this distance, it was too hard.</p>
<p>              “Sent by Commander Ren to keep an eye on you,” he called.</p>
<p>              He must have noticed my staring, I thought, before realizing that I knew that voice.</p>
<p>In fact, I knew that voice very well.</p>
<p>My trip to the bathroom came to a sudden halt as I whipped around to face him, blinking hard in hopes of clearing my vision. He approached quickly, his features becoming clearer in the light.</p>
<p>“What is your name?” I asked, voice heavy with urgency.</p>
<p>“You know what my name is,” he said, lips quirking into a grin.</p>
<p>The relief and joy that swept over my body completely overrode the shooting pain from my jaw and the strong taste of iron in my mouth. I ran to him, enveloping him in a tight jug, cradling him to me as I used to.</p>
<p>“Jaso! Oh, stars, Jaso!”</p>
<p>He returned my embrace, rocking me side to side for a moment. Abruptly, he grabbed my hand and tugged me into an empty meeting room. My heart thumped so rapidly, pumping happiness all throughout my body.</p>
<p>How did I not pick up on it?</p>
<p>“I missed you,” I said, looking into the sea-blue irises I thought I would never see again.</p>
<p>“You left me,” he mumbled quietly, looking away just as I realized how dull the pieces of gold in his eyes had become. “How could you?”</p>
<p>My face fell, all color rushing out of my cheeks. “It was for the best, Jaso. I have control of my life, now. I feel free.”</p>
<p>              He looked up again, his eyes meeting mine once more. Fear impaled me like an icicle, freezing my blood as it touched me.</p>
<p>              No, his eyes were absolutely not the same. They were hard, unfriendly, with hatred burning like a forest fire. This was not the Jaso I knew on Hayu. The thought made me sick to my stomach all over again.</p>
<p>              I stumbled a few steps backwards, trying to piece together what happened.</p>
<p>              I stole his light.</p>
<p>              I never thought that losing me would turn him into this.</p>
<p>              This wasn’t what heartbreak does to people.</p>
<p>              Every step I took backwards, Jaso advanced two. I scrambled away from the table he had pushed me up against, making a mad dash for the door.</p>
<p>              I nearly ripped the handle off, only to find he had locked it. I didn’t see him use a key. Where did he get the key from?</p>
<p>              I tried to unlock it with the Force, but he shoved his hand into my hair and took a fistful of it. I let out a shrill yelp, the pain in my neck mixing with the pain in my jaw, breaking my concentration.</p>
<p>              He ripped me away from the door, threw me on the floor like I was worthless, pressed the dirty heel of his boot into my ribcage. He squeezed my lungs from the outside, squishing whatever air I had left out.</p>
<p>              The pressure built into my chest as my mind ran circles around whatever options it could find—Could I Force choke him? Did I know how? Did I have the strength?</p>
<p>              Despite the building pressure in my chest, I used some of the last moments of consciousness I had left to envision lifting Jaso into the air and flinging him into the wall with as much strength as I could muster.</p>
<p>              But it was too hard to get him there.</p>
<p>              The pressure evaporated off my chest; I only managed to lift him a few inches. I grabbed ahold of his thighs as I gasped wildly for breath, and I shoved him off me. I rolled away for him, feeling on the tile with my palms for any sort of grip to help me get up.</p>
<p>              Within seconds, his bony fingers dug themselves into my ankles, taking a vice-like grip on my leg. He yanked me back down onto the floor, and I hit the floor with a painful <em>thud </em>and a raspy cry for help.</p>
<p>              He flipped me onto my back and crushed my hips with his bodyweight, pinning both of my hands over my head. I fought wildly in his grasp, thrashing and kicking and squealing and writhing—anything to get him the hell off of me.</p>
<p>              He spit in my face and released one of his hands to hit me in the face, right in the spot where my father had hit me. I whined, still flailing underneath him like a fish out of water, grabbing at the Force but never getting my fingers into it.</p>
<p>              Hot tears welled up in my eyes, making it hard to even see him. How was my <em>own </em>body betraying me, too?</p>
<p>              I struggled beneath him, rubbing my wrists raw while trying to free them. He laughed at me, squeezing so hard I thought he might have broken my bones. His laughter was the ugliest sound I had ever heard.</p>
<p>              “You are so fucking pitiful,” he taunted, his free hand coming to wrap his fingers around my throat. “You’re Force sensitive but too weak to even throw me off you. Pathetic bitch.”</p>
<p>              His grip on my throat tightened, forcing colors to splash themselves over my field of view. Images followed, smothered by the growing grey haze around the edges of my vision.</p>
<p>              I retreated back into my head as he throttled me, facing the wall I had built to keep Kylo out. I didn’t know how to tear it down. I had built it so strong to keep Kylo out.</p>
<p>              “I can’t believe the stars are letting me kill you myself. I thought for a while you had actually died in that accident. I don’t even know what you’re <em>doing </em>here, since you left for the Resistance. Doesn’t matter now. You’re nothing, bitch.”</p>
<p>              The grey paint strokes on the edges of my vision soon covered everything. I could hardly make out his figure underneath it all.</p>
<p>              I kept flailing, kept struggling, whimpering, whining, hoping someone would hear me.</p>
<p>              I shut my eyes, squeezed them close so tight that nothing on the outside would disrupt the last few moments of consciousness, maybe even life, that I had left. I grabbed ahold of the Force like a hunter grabbing the prey it had just killed, and with the last bit of energy I had left, I shattered the wall keeping Kylo out.</p>
<p>              “Help me!” I screamed out to him, feeling my concentration begin to slip as my consciousness began to run dry like sand in an hourglass. “He’s choking me, he’s killing me, <em>help me, KYLO</em>!”</p>
<p>              Jaso was too far lost in his infuriated madness. He would kill me; I knew that well. It was too late for Kylo to save me now.</p>
<p>              My consciousness ebbed away.</p>
<p>              I left feeling free, relieved, saved, but uncharacteristically nauseous.</p>
<p>              Was this unconsciousness? Was this death?</p>
<p>              The last thing I saw was Jaso reaching for his blaster, his robotic grip growing brutally tight around my neck.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              It was bright, white, very fuzzy when I opened my eyes. My head was horribly heavy, pounding, and my body felt so weak that I was not sure if I had the strength to even breathe. My throat was drier than Tattooine and Arula combined, cracked and sore. I croaked, but the sound was odd to me.</p>
<p>              Wasn’t this the afterlife, or whatever came next? Why did it hurt so bad? This was not as peaceful as I was promised, not even close.</p>
<p>              With as much strength as I could muster, I scooted up into something similar to a sitting position, as close as I could get. My eyes settled on a blurry, black figure at the edge of my bed. It was speaking things I could not understand, and when it reached for me, I flinched and began to scream.</p>
<p>              All of a sudden I found myself unable to scream, like my vocal chords had decided to pack their things and abandon me.</p>
<p>              The hand landed on me, and the texture felt familiar. Soft with rough seams—leather, if I thought really hard about it.</p>
<p>              A glove?</p>
<p>              “Aiene,” called the voice. In my fear, I barely registered the circles being rubbed against the top of my hand. It did nothing to stop me from shaking in my bed. “Aiene, it’s okay. I’m here.”</p>
<p>              The voice was deep, soothing, oddly familiar, and I almost wanted to trust it—but I had trusted Jaso, and where had that gotten me?</p>
<p>              I croaked again as I found my voice, wanting water, but I couldn’t find the words in the right language to ask. I begged in every language I knew for water, all a jumble of pleas in case this person could understand me.</p>
<p>              He pressed plastic against my lips. I pressed my lips between my teeth, shaking my head fervently, whining as loudly as my dry throat would allow me to. My jaw opened, lips parting against my will. I whimpered, and hot tears welled in my eyes while my body shook in my bed.</p>
<p>              I relaxed once I recognized this person was trying to give me water. Still eyeing them, I took another sip to remedy the pain in my throat.</p>
<p>              “You’re alright, Aiene,” said the voice, deep and velvety. “It’s Kylo Ren. You’re in the infirmary.”</p>
<p>              It was not Jaso, at least. My mind tripped over the thought that maybe it <em>was </em>Jaso, that he was lying to me, but to my fuzzy memory, his voice sounded nothing like Jaso’s.</p>
<p>              While still unable to see clearly, the ringing in my ears was dying down, and I was able to make out dark hair and a mass of black.</p>
<p>              Kylo, I mulled over the name—familiar.</p>
<p>              And then it hit me.</p>
<p>              Kylo. Kylo!</p>
<p>              Any relief I had felt earlier was brutally slaughtered. A storm of panic rushed over me and hit me hard. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to close him out from my thoughts as much as possible. There was no harm now that he knew I was Force sensitive.</p>
<p>              I popped my eyes open, one at a time. He sat there peering at me curiously, but the rest of him was unreadable.</p>
<p>              “I’m sorry,” I croaked, clearing my throat and shrugging his hand off me before I had to suffer the pain of him pulling it away himself.</p>
<p>              “You lied to me.” His voice was heavy with betrayal. It sat on my chest like a cinderblock. “Why? It doesn’t do well to lie to me.”</p>
<p>              I sighed, swallowing thickly one time. My throat still felt full of barbed wire.</p>
<p>              “I had an image to upkeep, Sir. Telling you who I was would have been like telling everyone. I needed everyone to believe Princess Aiene died.”</p>
<p>              As my vision cleared up, I watched him squint at me while he thought of his next words. Something felt wrong.</p>
<p>              “I was in your head while you were in Hayu,” he said, chewing on his lip for a moment. “I know where you were going.”</p>
<p>              My blood turned to ice.</p>
<p>              “No, no,” I shook my head, ignoring the thundering of my headache in protest. “That isn’t it, Sir.”</p>
<p>              My eyes filled with tears, more out of fear of being caught and murdered than worrying about how betrayed he felt. I was so close to death I could taste it, hear it taunting me.</p>
<p>              “Nothing of the sort ever happened,” I promised.</p>
<p>              He cocked an eyebrow, quite clearly doubting my story.</p>
<p>              “General Organa thought I was too big of a liability, so I paid a pilot to crash our shuttle on a planet where my family had property. I hid out there until I found a shuttle to Naboo to sign with the Order.”</p>
<p>              I reached out frantically, taking both of his hands in my own. I met Commander Ren’s eyes, willing him to see the truth I planted there, willing him to trust my word over his own memories. If he didn’t trust me, I knew what he would do. What he would have to do.</p>
<p>              “Please, Sir,” I pled through my battered lips, tears finally spilling out onto my cheeks. “I lied to you about my identity but that is <em>all</em>. Everything else was true—the stories I told you, my feelings for you, I didn’t lie about that. I know you may hope to see me dead after this, but if you trust only one thing I say ever again, trust what I said.”</p>
<p>              He was silent for a second, running his mind over my lies.</p>
<p>              “Trust I never went to the Resistance. Please.”</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren looked at me with his big, honey eyes again. I found myself melting despite the circumstances.</p>
<p>              “I do not want you dead. I have said time and time again that I do not wish to bring harm to you.”</p>
<p>              I exhaled a sigh of relief. More tears rolled down the swell of my cheeks at the thought of living, even if I had bought myself only one more day.</p>
<p>              “Even if I wished you dead, I could not kill you. I had your blood drawn out of curiosity. It seems my curiosity was for good reason. You are Force sensitive, as I suspected, Supreme Leader has ordered that I teach you.”</p>
<p>              I inhaled sharply, body awash with discomfort. I chewed on my lip, piecing together what this meant for me. What this meant for us. My mission. The Resistance. I didn’t know what to say.</p>
<p>              “This is news to me,” I began, flashing him a nervous smile. “I apologize for lying to you, Sir. I should have at least told you.”</p>
<p>              The longer I sat there under the weight of his decision to train me, the heavier this fear became. It didn’t matter that he did not desire to hurt me. I shut my eyes again, willing my face to stay blank, and felt the Force as it skittered through my veins. It pulsed through every part of me; I felt it even in my fingertips.</p>
<p>              I rested my gaze on Kylo then, and I noticed his pupils expanding slowly. He was fighting it; his resistance pushed at me like the wind knocking over a tree. In retaliation, I tugged harder.</p>
<p>              “I am honored, Sir. I am. I will do my best. However, I do suggest that from now on, this relationship is kept strictly teacher a—”</p>
<p>              I did not even get to lay my trap before he fell for it. My bruised cheeks cried out in pain as his hands cupped them, his forehead pressing against mine as he searched my eyes for something. The grip he had on my injured jaw sent hot sparks through my neck and up the side of my head, but every time I looked away, he commanded my eyes back.</p>
<p>              He could easily sense the pain, but he did not pull away.</p>
<p>              After a while longer, he seemed to have found whatever he was searching so desperately for. His hand dropped my injured cheek, opting to take my hand in his instead. I laced our fingers together despite my confusion, giving it a little squeeze. I was too weak to do much else.</p>
<p>              “No,” Kylo responded firmly, jaw tight and eyebrows furrowed. “We will stay as we are currently.”</p>
<p>              I had him, hook, line, and sinker.</p>
<p>              “Yes.”</p>
<p>              I eyed the cup of water, and he quickly took notice. Kylo hooked two fingers under my chin and pressed the cup against my lips, helping me drink it. He retracted his hand once I was done and moved to run soft circles on my wrist.</p>
<p>              “You are exhausted. Sleep would benefit you.”</p>
<p>              “I have been unconscious. I do believe I have slept enough.”</p>
<p>              He hummed in response before glancing over his shoulder into the hallway. People passed by without giving a single glance to us. I figured it was only one-way glass.</p>
<p>              I wondered if he knew he couldn’t hear my thoughts anymore, and if he had been able to sense my sensitivity before, why had it taken him so long to test me for it?</p>
<p>              I didn’t bother asking. This part of my time on the <em>Finalizer </em>was going to get chucked into the trash compressor once I left the medbay. Nothing mattered anymore.</p>
<p>              I thought of Poe then. I wouldn’t throw the thought of him away. I didn’t want to forget his voice, or his lips, or the pain he felt when I told him I was leaving, or the anguish he felt watching me go.</p>
<p>              Did he still think of me? Did he still miss me?</p>
<p>              I just wanted to keep Poe safe. This would be worth it if I could. I could bear anything at all if it meant I would get closer to being in his arms again.</p>
<p>              And yet—</p>
<p>              I looked over at Kylo Ren, who still sat quietly next to the bed, a gloved hand resting on top of mine. His feelings made him stay, even though he couldn’t identify what feelings they were.</p>
<p>              If it were not for this mission, I would never have met this man. I would have avoided him if I did not have to fraternize with him, deeming him too dangerous and mysterious for a princess, yet the situation was growing more complicated by the minute.</p>
<p>              I did not want to admit it to myself. The thought made me nauseous, truthfully.</p>
<p>              The more I tugged Kylo to me, the more drawn to Kylo I felt. Some part of me was rebelling, overthrowing some of my love for Poe, and turning it towards Kylo. He was a murderer with rage and darkness that could blind him into snapping my neck without a second thought, and yet I felt drawn to him, attached to him in a way I could not interpret.</p>
<p>              He would never be Poe. I knew this.</p>
<p>              Was this the Force, or something else?</p>
<p>              Was it just me?</p>
<p>-----             </p>
<p>              I spent two more days in the medbay. Once I was released, I retired to my own quarters. Kylo objected, claiming his bed was more comfortable and better to rest in than mine. I waved him off; I knew that wasn’t what I needed right now. And it wasn’t what <em>he </em>needed, either.</p>
<p>              Dyna followed me like a lost puppy, having heard my door open from across the hall. She spent the first night curled up on my couch, afraid that I could be hurt again if she let me out of her sight. She didn’t ask, but she didn’t have to express her confusion about that day for it to be obvious.</p>
<p>              Dyna came over after work the next day—I had been given one week of convalescent leave while my jaw and neck finished healing—and flopped onto my couch, making herself comfy. I looked at her from where I sat on my bed, my stomach doing flips.</p>
<p>              She deserved to know. In this short time, she had become family. I couldn’t keep lying, at least not about everything.</p>
<p>              “Can I be honest with you?” I asked.</p>
<p>              Dyna put down the book she had in her hand. “Of course, Thelly.”</p>
<p>              “Promise you won’t hate me,” I began, clutching a pillow to my chest. Thelly was dead now.</p>
<p>              “Promise…” Dyna replied, shifting so she could peer at me from over the top of the couch. Her voice was thick with discomfort as she tried to unwind the message I was trying to give her. “What’s going on?”</p>
<p>              “It’s about the conference, what you saw happen.”</p>
<p>              Dyna was silent. I wished she would say something—that she already knew, perhaps, and that she didn’t care. Anything to wash away the bile rising in my throat.</p>
<p>              “The king and queen of Hayu are my parents. I faked my death two and a half years ago to get rid of my royal bloodline. Congrats, you now know a princess.”</p>
<p>              Her disbelief radiated off her, hot and wispy against my flesh. Her jaw dropped, arched eyebrows pulling together at the center of her forehead. I pursed my lips and let out a heavy exhale through my nostrils, waiting for her outrage to spark.</p>
<p>              “You’re lying,” was all she said.</p>
<p>              I snorted. “I wish. I paid a pilot to crash my shuttle onto a planet where my parents had property. I stayed there until I found a company who would fake my records and a pilot who would fly me to Naboo. Then I signed with the Order, like you.”</p>
<p>              Dyna was silent again, memories rolling over her eyes. I let her piece this timeline together, bracing myself internally for the pain I expected to come after.</p>
<p>              She hardly moved for two minutes, and though it was so short, it felt as though she had become frozen for all of extremity.</p>
<p>              “You lied to me?”</p>
<p>              My heart clenched, and tears pricked my eyes. I knew where this was going.</p>
<p>              “I did, but not because I wanted to. I couldn’t tell anyone. This lie was the only thing keeping me safe. What happened at the conference was never supposed to happen. I don’t know how they knew it was me. I’m safe now, though they threatened to execute me. I’m sorry, Dyna. I didn’t want to lie to you.”</p>
<p>              “How do you ever expect me to trust you again?”</p>
<p>              I blinked, and a tear slid down my cheek. “I don’t.”</p>
<p>              Dyna made no movement to bolt from my quarters, as I had originally expected. Instead, she laid back on my couch for a moment, the gears in her brain spinning at the speed of light while she tried to process my lie. I choked on her feelings of betrayal and insecurity, so thick that it was tangible in my throat.</p>
<p>              She got up abruptly, the leather of the couch creaking after her. I expected her to leave. I was startled when she wrapped me up in her arms, hugging me tightly to her. I returned the gesture, and I cried into her bony shoulder.</p>
<p>              “I’m sorry, Dyna.”</p>
<p>              Was I sorrier for having lied to begin with, or for having to keep an even <em>bigger </em>secret from her?</p>
<p>              Dyna sniffled, holding me by the shoulders and pulling away. “What do I call you?”</p>
<p>              “My name is Aiene, but you can call me ‘Ene.”</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren left the <em>Finalizer </em>abruptly. I felt him drift out into space without another word. I was irritated but unsurprised. Despite whatever sentiment he felt for me, I was still nothing to him. Completely irrelevant during the daytime, merely a speck of dirt on his boot that he carried around with him. The feeling that thought elicited was…indecipherable.</p>
<p>              A week passed before I felt his return to the <em>Finalizer</em>, a very distinct shift in <em>something</em> as soon as he stepped on board. Ren did not look for me or call for me for another few days; the message he finally sent me only told me of the conference I had to attend on a new Order base.</p>
<p>              Not even in person, I huffed to myself. A message on my data pad? Really?</p>
<p>              It was almost humorous how Supreme Leader had decided Commander Ren would train me. Look where that had gone. But perhaps it was for the best—Ren would know right away that some things came too easily to me. He’d have to know.</p>
<p>              And then I’d die.</p>
<p>              Would that even be bad, though? How painful and slow of a death would it be to die at Kylo’s hands? Would I suffer on his lightsaber, or would it be merciful?</p>
<p>              I focused my eyes on a star far, far away, so far away that I could hardly see it. Maybe D’Qar was out that way. I begged the star to watch over me until I could return to D’Qar; I just wanted to do what I came here to do and return to Poe after, settle down somewhere safe once the galaxy is finally at peace. Was that too much to ask?</p>
<p>              Laying back on my bed, I lowered the wall I had put up in the medbay. I knew Ren wouldn’t want to contact me but pretending he did not completely hate me and was not completely avoiding me was the slightest bit comforting. He was the only reason I’d return to D’Qar.</p>
<p>              Kylo Ren did not call for me that night.</p>
<p>              Or the night after that.</p>
<p>              Or the night after that.</p>
<p>              It was my year anniversary on the <em>Finalizer</em> when Commander Ren sought me out. The man had impeccable timing, I thought as I laid curled up in a fetal position on my bed, crying into my pillow over Poe.</p>
<p>              “Come to my quarters,” he ordered, his voice suddenly so irritating.</p>
<p>              “Not in the mood,” I replied bluntly, rolling onto my stomach and burying my face into my thin pillow.</p>
<p>              “It is imperative that you come.” Ren sounded almost pleading, pouty. “I have not seen you in three weeks.”</p>
<p>              “Not my fault,” I deadpanned. “I’m not in the mood to see you, Commander Ren.”</p>
<p>              He begged, “I ask this one thing of you. You need not stay for long. It is just imperative you come.”</p>
<p>              I sighed, rolling over onto my back, gazing up at the ceiling. His voice was too soft; it didn’t suit him. “Rough day?”</p>
<p>              “Just come, Aiene.”</p>
<p>              I gave in and trudged two floors up to his bedroom. The overnight shift lights were in, so dim and yellow. The door opened before I even had a chance to knock, as it usually did.</p>
<p>              As soon as I stepped into his quarters, the cluster of emotions rolling through his head hit me like a brick to the face. I made my way to his bedroom, my fingers absentmindedly playing with the hem of one of Poe’s oversized sweaters. It didn’t smell like him anymore.</p>
<p>              I found Kylo laying on his side, dark hair splayed around his head like a halo, peering up at me. The light spilling in from the sitting room sliced his right eye into one dark, molten amber half and one sunny, golden half. For the first time in quite a long time, I took notice of his scar; he had never told me what happened to him to obtain a scar like that, but he didn’t have to.</p>
<p>              “You came,” he mumbled, making no effort to get up.</p>
<p>              “I said I would.”</p>
<p>              I shut the door behind me, taking a seat on the bed next to him. Nothing he said insinuated that he wanted this, but I curled up under his blanket anyway. I couldn’t see him in the dark, but I reached out and gingerly cupped his cheek in my hand, stroking it with the pad of my thumb.</p>
<p>              “Would you like to talk about what is bothering you?” I offered, still attending to his cheek.</p>
<p>              I felt rather than saw him shake his head. All he said was, “Hux.”</p>
<p>              I nodded, knowing it couldn’t have been good. As kind as General Hux was to me, he was rather antagonizing towards others—particularly Commander Ren.</p>
<p>              Pulling him into my arms, I pressed a soft kiss against his forehead. I hummed an old, sleepy lullaby from Hayu about the Daughter of the Moon and the Son of the Sun. Jaso had always did this for me to help me relax after biting back the flames of my wrath.</p>
<p>              My temper was rabid but nothing compared to Kylo’s. I hoped it would calm him all the same.</p>
<p>              Kylo remained seething, but some parts of him began to calm just slightly, turning into confusion. As I pressed my lips to his forehead again, I sensed a harsh tug within him—painful, agonizing, like he was being torn apart. Some of that was my doing.</p>
<p>              After a long, long while of humming and playing with his hair, I felt him fall asleep in my arms. He rested his head against my chest, tendrils of raven black hair swept over his face, one of his arms looped lazily over my waist.</p>
<p>              He looked soft, gentle; I knew this even in the darkness. It was strange to think he was capable of the things he had done when at the end of the day he softened so much. Those things plagued him so much that I knew even sleep could not be of solace to him. I pitied him. He had too many battles to fight.</p>
<p>              I brushed away a strand of hair that laid over his nose, pulling him just a little closer to my chest. I wondered why the Force and the stars had deemed me worthy of seeing him like this.</p>
<p>-----           </p>
<p>              I woke the next morning with Kylo cradling me this time, my head tucked into his chest. I was so used to waking up alone that for a half second, I thought it was Poe. Disappointment filtered into my blood when I realized I was still on the <em>Finalizer</em>. It wasn’t my time yet.</p>
<p>              I looked over at the electric clock on the bedside table. Morning shift was starting soon; I had to get out of bed, but that required breaking out of Kylo’s prison-like grip. That would wake him. When was the last time he had slept through the night? I couldn’t ruin that for him.</p>
<p>              I cuddled back up to the giant wall of muscle in bed beside me, knowing General Hux wouldn’t reprimand me for this anyway.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. A Box</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I knew about my feelings for Kylo Ren, but that did not mean that I had to <em>accept</em> them. I refused vehemently, though I knew I was wrong. Propping my chin into the palm of my hand, I sunk my teeth into the inside of my cheek. <em>Of course</em>, that was what that meant.</p>
<p>              But Kylo Ren was no Poe Dameron! He wasn’t even comparable to Jaso, not even after his attempt to murder me. I liked <em>good</em> men, ones who treated me like the queen the stars had made me out to be—</p>
<p>              I stopped myself with a huff. Kylo Ren treated me like that, regardless of what he had done.</p>
<p>              I shoved my face into my hands and groaned abruptly. I could not believe my <em>own mind </em>was betraying me. How could I have developed feelings for a murderer? How could I feel so drawn to that? Did I not deserve better than a murderer? I was the princess of Hayu!</p>
<p>              Dyna looked up from her lunch tray, cocking an eyebrow at me and shooting a look of concern at me. “You alright? You look like you’re dying. Commander too rough last night?”</p>
<p>              My head snapped up out of my hands, a rabid blush on my cheeks. I whacked her arm and glared at her, hoping my stare would speak the words I could not find. She rolled her eyes at me and waggled her spoon in my direction to ask why it hadn’t happened yet.</p>
<p>              “Because I don’t want it to!” I nearly smacked the spoon out of her hands. “He’s confusing me. I don’t even want to like him.”</p>
<p>              “But you do, anyway, and he likes you, too.”</p>
<p>              I groaned again and pinched my nose. She didn’t know about Poe, but I knew he was waiting for me. And even if he wasn’t, I was specifically instructed to keep my heart out of this. That was the <em>number one </em>rule they had given me.</p>
<p>              “Why are you running from this?” Dyna asked. “There’s nothing wrong with having feelings for him.”</p>
<p>              “I’m the princess of Hayu, Dyna, and as princess I was supposed to marry some angelic prince who would love me and help me adjust my crown in the morning. This isn’t how any of this works. This isn’t what I wanted when I came here!”</p>
<p>              She took a sip of her water and look at me, dark eyes curtained by thick lashes. I sighed softly at her, resting my cheek on my clammy palm again.</p>
<p>              “He’s no angel by any means, but he cares for you. He already does. The whole ship is talking about how you’ve been spotted leaving his quarters in the morning… This man lets you spend the night! He nearly <em>beheads </em>anyone who bumps into him. So while he doesn’t rescue kittens or something, he is out here feeling something, whatever that may be, for you.”</p>
<p>              I gnawed on my lip. “Why is it that you care so much, Dyna?”</p>
<p>              “I just want to see you happy. You keep fighting it.”</p>
<p>              I was silent, wondering if I should tell her about Poe. Perhaps then she would have understood my reluctance. If she wanted to see me <em>happy</em>, she needed to see the way I was with Poe.</p>
<p>              Yet I could not deny the feelings blooming in my chest. When had my heart planted Ren a garden? I wondered if I could burn it.</p>
<p>              If I could, would I?</p>
<p>              I groaned again, burying my face in my palms once more. Dyna merely resumed laughing at me and poked my head with a (hopefully) clean edge of her spoon, shaking her head in amusement.</p>
<p>-----             </p>
<p>              Kylo called me out of work to his quarters; the message on my data pad was no invitation. It was an order. I sighed, pushing in my chair and pulling my identification card out of the computer. There went my time to be honest with myself, I supposed.</p>
<p>              The heart was so stupid. Listening to it was the worst decision I had ever made. Not only had it gotten me onto this damn ship, it had me now pinned underneath him on his bed, his lips kissing me through a whirlwind of emotions.</p>
<p>              When he kissed me, my heart soared. It overrode every piece of reasoning I had for why I shouldn’t have given in. He made my thoughts evaporate. My neurons were lightning around him, setting my entire skull aflame. I was helpless to do anything except feel.</p>
<p>              His hands were everywhere at all once, a thousand different pairs scorching my skin. He put the sun inside my body; I was going to implode at any moment.</p>
<p>              His hips pressed against mine—Commander, is that your lightsaber? Or are you just happy to see me?—did not help my cause. I felt more than heard his amused chuckle resonate against my neck, a small moan skittering out of my throat when he responded to my question with a nip to my lower lip.</p>
<p>              “We will go no further,” stated Kylo firmly, a gloved hand taking ahold of my chin. His thumb swiped my lower lip, dragging it downwards. “I can feel your apprehension.”</p>
<p>              I nodded though no question was asked. As I laid there, my heart crawled off my tongue and back into my chest, sending jolts of adrenaline and panic up my spine. I apologized to Poe for my ever-advancing disloyalty but forgot about it a second later when I met Kylo’s gaze.</p>
<p>              There was something familiar about him that I couldn’t pinpoint just yet.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              I needed a box. Not to pack my stuff away, no—I would shove my feelings for Kylo Ren in there and chain the box shut. I would never feel anything for him again.</p>
<p>              I spent a whole night conflicted, staring at my ceiling and out into space, wondering how he could possibly have the power to make me feel this way. This was impossible, incredibly stupid, and moreover, <em>forbidden</em>. I had no authorization to feel this way.</p>
<p>              My heart never needed permission to do anything, I supposed. It didn’t need permission to guide me off Hayu.</p>
<p>              Of all places to take me, though, why to Kylo Ren? And why split me in half between two people? I didn’t want to be stuck in the middle anymore, didn’t want to be ripped apart by this. This was only growing worse.</p>
<p>              Kylo didn’t love me yet. This I knew.</p>
<p>              Poe wasn’t coming to save me yet. This I also knew.</p>
<p>              I had plenty of time. I just didn’t know if I could bear spending the rest of it divided like this.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>              I did not even see Kylo Ren that night—a blessing, truthfully. I couldn’t have handled seeing him like this. Not seeing him, though, meant my mind spun around him, ensnared by his gravity.</p>
<p>              The more I thought about him, the more I realized that he was not as large of a threat to me as I originally perceived. The closer I allowed myself to get, the more I seeped into the cracks of his being, and the looser my grip on my feelings for Poe became.</p>
<p>              Poe, I thought to myself, pinching my nose. The name sounded almost foreign, felt so odd in my head that he felt more like a character in a novel I had read years ago than a man I was in love with.</p>
<p>              But the necklace I wore, the necklace I never took off—it was all I needed to remember that Poe was real. Had his fingers slipped, too, while clutching at my memory? Or was it just mine?</p>
<p>              My knees buckled, and I lowered myself onto my tile, clutching at the red stone around my neck. I began to weep. Invisible hands tugged and ripped and yanked at me, taking me everywhere but nowhere all at once.</p>
<p>              No matter what Kylo Ren felt for me, it was not love.</p>
<p>              No matter what I felt for Kylo Ren, it was not love.</p>
<p>              But he was here with me. We were in this mess together. I was going to kill him. Or he was going to kill me. Maybe we’d kill each other with this. Regardless of what we did to each other, he had a piece of me, and I had a piece of him. We would never get those shards back.</p>
<p>              If I went home like this, would Poe know? Would he kiss me and see that I didn’t taste the same anymore? Was I even still the same woman he said goodbye to?</p>
<p>              My bones had morphed into gelatin by the time I made my way to my bed. I took my data pad and sent General Hux a message, declaring I was sick. He approved my sick day—of course he did.</p>
<p>              I locked my door, crawled into bed. The ceiling became a screen for all these dizzying memories to replay themselves, haunting me, taunting me, grabbing me by the neck and suffocating me.</p>
<p>              Poe and his smile.</p>
<p>              Kylo and his scar.</p>
<p>              “Love me,” I would ask them.</p>
<p>              “I do,” Poe would reply.</p>
<p>              “I can’t,” Kylo would admit.</p>
<p>-----             </p>
<p>              I awoke in a familiar bedroom. It was not mine. There was a chest pressed against my back, arms around my waist. I was unsure how I had made it here, but I knew exactly where I was.</p>
<p>              “I brought you here last night. I sensed you were unwell,” Kylo mumbled into my hair, his lips grazing my scalp.</p>
<p>              “You were correct,” I said with a sigh, wondering how far into my head he had gone.</p>
<p>              “I cannot get in,” Kylo reminded me. “I can hear what you think if I try, but your mind is closed off. Your wall is different from the others.”</p>
<p>              I sat up, wanting to get out of here before the conversation took a turn onto a route I could not retrieve it from.</p>
<p>              “If you will excuse me, I will take my leave now, Commander.”</p>
<p>              “Aiene,” Kylo called, grabbing my wrist. “What made you so unwell? It kept you from work, but it was not physical.”</p>
<p>              “What ailed me is of no importance to you,” I snapped, yanking my wrist from his grasp.</p>
<p>              His amber eyes softened with hurt, lower lip quivering in a pout. I bit my lip until it bled and immediately sat down on the foot of the bed, looking him over for as long as I could bear. His scar somehow seemed to only make him look sadder.</p>
<p>              “It is important to me.”</p>
<p>              I let out a deep sigh, my back falling into a slouch.</p>
<p>              “I’m not ready to talk about it.”</p>
<p>              He nodded slowly, eyes breaking from mine. I could vaguely feel the hurt he was trying to suppress.</p>
<p>              “You have to understand, Kylo. I want to tell you, but this is a matter too personal for me to talk about with anyone. I will tell you one day, just not yet.”</p>
<p>              “There seem to be a lot of those matters now. When is this day you speak of?”</p>
<p>              Kylo reached his hand out and followed the curve of my lower lip with the pad of his thumb. I was mesmerized by him for a moment, so close to something I couldn’t pinpoint.</p>
<p>              “I don’t know,” I admitted, screwing my eyes shut. “I trust you, Kylo. I just don’t feel comfortable opening up yet, and it has to do with a—”</p>
<p>              “Your necklace.”</p>
<p>              That was a statement. How had he known?</p>
<p>              “Yes.”</p>
<p>              “Who gave it to you?”</p>
<p>              “An old friend, Kylo. Their time with me has come to an end,” I said, swallowing thickly, the sound a dull knock against my throat. “And it has proved inconsequential.”</p>
<p>              I popped my eyes open only to find him narrowing his own at me. His presence was warm in my head, probing and scanning my thoughts. There was no cause for alarm.</p>
<p>              “I am being truthful, Kylo.”</p>
<p>              “Good,” he muttered lowly. “I will not let you go so easily.”</p>
<p>              I opened my mouth to give a remark I hadn’t even fully thought of yet, but he swallowed my words with his mouth. He kissed me tenderly, his hands dragging me closer to him. I replied almost instantaneously, enveloped in heat that woke my body as he lit a fire in my abdomen.</p>
<p>              I wondered, perhaps even sort of hoped, this was a precursor to something more.</p>
<p>              His hands wandered up my belly as he kissed me, taking his time to savor the feeling of my soft, warm skin underneath his calloused hands. He pulled away to take off his shirt, and I scrambled to remove my sweater. His lips were back of mine before I could even think, his teeth sinking into my lower lip.</p>
<p>              I let out a low whine and pressed my chest into his hands, parting my lips and allowing him access to my mouth. His thoughts, unsurprisingly possessive and lustful, seeped into my mind, leaving me breathless as he trailed kisses down my neck and onto my collarbone.</p>
<p>              I wormed my hands into his hair, gently urging his head beyond my neck. Still, he did not go beyond my chest. Slowly, he pulled away from my body and laid over me, our foreheads just a breath apart.</p>
<p>              “Not today,” he stated, heaving himself off my quivering body and walking toward his closet. I watched as he put on his robes, my mind running laps around his words. “I can still feel your apprehension.”</p>
<p>              I huffed and wrapped myself in blankets, suddenly shy. Ren left the room without another word, his mask clutched tightly in his hands.</p>
<p>              The rest of my day went without incident. I did not get even an inkling of Kylo’s presence. I tackled a heavy workload at the work station with the rest of the translators; it seemed more and more useless documents in foreign languages were coming in. In the back of my mind, I wondered if maybe the First Order gave us these to keep us busy. I swore I had translated at least <em>two</em> of these before.</p>
<p>              Dyna and I returned to my quarters after a long day, settling upon the couch and my bed like we usually did. Everything was normal until she interrupted my story with a dramatic gasp, nearly dropping her data pad onto the tile.</p>
<p>              I made a face at her and sat up, throwing a pillow at her.</p>
<p>              “Sorry.” Her face was flushed with apology. “They completed that new post last week, and now they’re moving officials over. They’re sending me!”</p>
<p>              “Oh,” was all I had to say, my stomach churning at the thought of being without her.</p>
<p>              “I don’t even know where this one is. I’m surprised they’re bothering with another one after Starkiller.”</p>
<p>              She shifted and grabbed a blanket from the arm of my couch, wrapping it around her shoulders like a cape.</p>
<p>              “What about you? Have you heard if you’re going?”</p>
<p>              “I haven’t gotten anything yet. There haven’t been any notifications I missed—I think.” I tapped the screen of my data pad, checking for new alerts. “No, nothing yet.”</p>
<p>              “Just ask Kylo,” she said with a smug grin. I rolled my eyes with her, and she replied to that by a chucking a pillow square at my face. “And you said you weren’t looking for anyone.”</p>
<p>              “I wasn’t! I still don’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t know either. He won’t even tell me anything about him.”</p>
<p>              She made a face. “Nothing at all?”</p>
<p>              I nodded once, quirking my lips to the side. “It’s alright, I suppose. I haven’t been the most forthcoming, either. I’m hesitant to tell him much after I hurt him the way I did.”</p>
<p>              Dyna scrunched her eyebrows. “Like what?”</p>
<p>              I froze, slightly panicked. This information could get her killed if she gave Kylo Ren inclination to believe she knew. I would protect her, though; I would never let Ren lay a finger on her. It just felt so wrong to keep lying to her.</p>
<p>              “I was not completely honest with you the first time.”</p>
<p>              Dyna swore under her breath while she pinched the bridge of her nose. I looked at her apologetically, pausing for a moment before she urged me on with a wave of her hand.</p>
<p>              “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to lie to you. I <em>don’t </em>want to lie to you. This is the whole truth, I promise.”</p>
<p>              Her face was painted with anger. “If this isn’t the whole truth, I swear to—”</p>
<p>              “It is!” I shouted quickly, my chin quivering. “My identity is real. I am the Princess of Hayu, like I said, but that’s about all the truth in the story I gave you and Ren.”</p>
<p>              She exhaled sharply through her nostrils and ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head in disbelief.</p>
<p>              “Before the shuttle crashed, I was engaged to Prince Solenh of Arula. The day I left, I met a woman from the Resistance who was working with my family. I asked if they would take me in. She spoke to General Organa about giving me shelter in exchange for my service.”</p>
<p>              “If this is going where I think it’s going—”</p>
<p>              I pouted, still panicked even though her face had relaxed somewhat. “Let me finish. I spent three days on Arula with their royalty, and then I took a shuttle to D’Qar. When I came off the shuttle, the first two people I met were Poe Dameron and General Organa.”</p>
<p>              Dyna’s eyes widened, her jaw falling slack. She was wordless, but I caught her disbelief.</p>
<p>              “Yes, <em>that </em>Poe Dameron. They took me in, gave me a new identity, and a job as a translator. I paid the pilot to crash the shuttle, and they claimed it was shot down in a skirmish. And then I fell in love with Poe.”</p>
<p>              Dyna blinked, interrupting me during one of my breaths. “Then why are you here? This is… a change of interests.”</p>
<p>              “Not really. General Organa knew I was Force sensitive, so she had me train with Rey—yes, <em>that</em> Rey. When Leia found out about my unique sensitivity, how I can manipulate affections, she sent me here… To infiltrate the <em>Finalizer</em> to get Kylo Ren onto his knees, convert him, and bring him back for execution.”</p>
<p>              Dyna’s jaw clamped shut. Her throat shifted as she swallowed hard, all color in her face melting away. I listened to her heartbeat racing in the air between us, so quick it felt almost random in rhythm.</p>
<p>              “Let me get this straight,” she spoke, folding her hands into her lap. “What you’re telling me is that my best friend is a Resistance <em>spy </em>sent to kill Kylo Ren?”</p>
<p>              I nodded. “Essentially, yes.”</p>
<p>              “So do you even want to be with him?!”</p>
<p>              I sighed, my face softening. “Yes, I do, which is what makes this so complicated. I love—loved—Poe, but...”</p>
<p>              “You are in such a mess. You <em>are </em>such a mess!” She pinched the bridge of her nose again, laughing at how outrageous this all seemed. “I’m not going to say anything to anyone. I’m just glad you were fully honest with me. Even if this could get me killed.”</p>
<p>              I laughed, relieved, and launched myself into her arms, burying my face into the crook of her shoulder. “Ah, Dyna. I love you.”</p>
<p>              “Love you, too.” She patted my head, grinning proudly. “Now, Poe Dameron. The one that blew up Starkiller. You really loved him?”</p>
<p>              I nodded in affirmation, my heart growing tender. Yes, I really did love him, I thought to myself. I didn’t want to say it out loud again.</p>
<p>              “And you’re Force sensitive?”</p>
<p>              Pulling my face away from her, I stuck my arm out and floated a cup on my counter across the room. Dyna smacked my arm, asking why I didn’t tell her sooner.</p>
<p>              “Which part?” I sighed, yanking at my hair in frustration. “Ren doesn’t even know. I mean, he knows I’m Force sensitive, but that’s about it. He especially does not know that Kylo Ren plus Aiene Yeuthorne does not equal Aiene Ren or King Kylo but—but death.”</p>
<p>              She patted my shoulder awkwardly, words of consolation on the tip of her tongue, but she didn’t know how to say them, or if she even should. None of that would make this better.</p>
<p>              “So… are you stuck here until you… take him away?”</p>
<p>              “No. I can leave whenever I deem it necessary. I have considered it a shameful amount of times. They have a tracker on me, too. I can’t leave, though. I don’t want to do this to Kylo, but I want to prove myself worthy to them. This couldn’t be all for nothing.”</p>
<p>              “If you love, Poe, though, why stay? You can just go. It might be better for you.”</p>
<p>              “And if I’m not the same woman he fell in love with? If he found someone else, someone who won’t be gone indefinitely?”</p>
<p>              Her face fell. There was nothing either of us could say to make this go more smoothly. It was never supposed to be easy, but it was never supposed to be this complicated, either.</p>
<p>              I sent Dyna away a few minutes after that. A part of me believed the impossible notion that I might awaken the next morning with a decision if I went to sleep then. I crawled into bed and shut my eyes; it felt different, almost wrong, being alone.</p>
<p>              Sleep eventually came to me, but only after I beat away thoughts of Poe and Kylo with a stick.</p>
<p>              When I awoke the next morning, I found a notification flashing upon the screen of my data pad. Blinking away the last traces of sleep, I sat up and reached over to my nightstand, my fingers blindly grasping at the metal slate while my vision cleared.</p>
<p>              The message was from none other than Commander Ren himself.</p>
<p>              “Begin packing,” it read. “You will be transferred to the new base in approximately three work cycles. We will be sharing quarters from that moment forward.”</p>
<p>              My heart somehow managed to swell and disintegrate at the same time.</p>
<p>              Looks like I’d be needing boxes for more than just my feelings.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Vulnerability</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My first day packing was nearly impossible. Ren insisted on keeping me with him every waking moment I was free. His presence was clearly more important to him than my own agenda, which clearly was not going to work.</p><p>              I found time to pack after telling him to deal with either not seeing me until the moving date or to retired at my quarters at night instead. He agreed to the latter. He spent the rest of the day doing whatever it was he did—we did not speak about that sort of stuff—, and at night he was at my side, putting things into boxes as I asked.</p><p>              He was awfully quiet, though, and I <em>knew </em>something was off. It worried me nearly to tears; my stomach twisted every waking moment I was near him. Something was <em>wrong</em>. But what? It kept me up, my brain trying to find its way through this maze. Talking to him could have wiped away my worries, but a part of me still cowered in fear at the consequences such a talk might have brought.</p><p>              I propped myself up on my elbow, reached over, and clicked on the lamp on my nightstand. In the glow of the light, he looked so somber, so tired, his eyes shadowed by purple rings. I knew all about how conflicted he was, but it never made seeing him like this any easier.</p><p>              I ran a hand through his hair, watching his brows furrow and his nose crinkle in response. Lowering my face, I pressed a kiss to the center of his forehead, studying his features. I hummed another old lullaby, more for myself than him.</p><p>              Even like this, he was beautiful.</p><p>              I shifted and laid back down beside him. It didn’t take long for my thought-riddled brain to begin conjuring more. I had all sorts of theories about what could have been wrong.</p><p>              What if it was me? What if <em>I </em>was what was wrong?</p><p>              Were his feelings fading?</p><p>              Had he found out something else?</p><p>              Was it only the Force keeping us together?</p><p>              He didn’t even <em>know </em>that I was doing this to him. If he did, I was certain he would have abandoned me. But I didn’t want this all to be a ruse my head created in his heart… I didn’t want the Force to be the only glue we had.</p><p>              I reached out and gently ran a hand through his hair again while he was still asleep and vulnerable. I was to leave for the new base with Kylo that morning, but sleep felt so far out of my grasp.</p><p>              What if there was no real attraction to me at all? Poe came to love me on his own, but what if Kylo never did?</p><p>              I rolled onto my back and broke into my humming with a deep sigh, staring at the white ceiling above me. These hypotheticals were going to kill me.</p><p>              Slowly, I hauled myself out of bed and tiptoed to the door, tugging it open just enough for me to slip out into the hallway. As typical of overnight shift, the hallways were dead silent, and the lights were mostly dimmed. I had little to no clue where I was going or how I would get back. My head was too heavy with doubt and my heart too dumb with confusion to allow me to care.</p><p>              I wandered aimlessly, the beeps and pips of machines and droids around the command centers I passed so loud that I could barely hear myself think.</p><p>              Why did I even care if he actually felt something for me? Delusional or not, any feelings that let me in to convert him was all I needed. I just needed to complete my mission and move on with my life. Clearly my heart had gotten too involved. Had I forgotten all the people I had let die while trying to convert him? Did they no longer matter just because I wanted Ren?</p><p>              I let out a sigh, resting my back against a metal wall. I shut my eyes for a moment, humming the lullaby about the Daughter of the Moon and the Son of the Sun again.</p><p>              I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help any of this. It wasn’t my fault for wanting him to sincerely feel the same why I did, I told myself.</p><p>Things felt so much deeper than surface-level attraction to me. I was sure Kylo didn’t feel it, but I did. Somewhere in me, I thought our atoms must have been together when the universe was created, or something.</p><p>I couldn’t stop this.</p><p>I soon made my way back to bed, somewhat lost and stuck. I wasn’t the only one awake now, either; Kylo had woken moments prior. He was confused, likely searching my quarters for me. The Force guided me to him, his signature bold like bloody footsteps on the tile.</p><p>I opened the door and found him staring at me, brows pinched, his eyes nearly glowing in the dark like a cat’s would. He sat at the foot of bed, t-shirt discarded and hung over the arm of my couch.</p><p>“Where were you? I could sense you were troubled,” he asked, crawling back into bed and blinking at me with tired, amber eyes.</p><p>“Couldn’t sleep,” I lied.</p><p>“You wouldn’t feel troubled for that long if it were so simple.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>He stopped for a moment, and I felt his presence skimming my thoughts. I made a face at him, aghast. He paid me no mind.</p><p>“You think I don’t feel something for you. You think it’s the Force.”</p><p>I paled, adrenaline shooting through my veins so quickly that I thought I had been shot. “What else did you hear?”</p><p>“Nothing else. Why? Are you hiding something from me?”</p><p>Suddenly he rose, stalking over to my tiny figure, tall and towering over me, intimidating. He did not freeze me in place, but I couldn’t move as hard as I tried. He engulfed me, ate my will and determination alive.</p><p>With every step towards me, I stepped away from him, wishing the inky blackness between us would solidify into a wall, but it never did. He just kept pressing closer, closer, closer, and I fell away from him until the wall I had hoped for was behind my back.</p><p>“What are you hiding from me?” Kylo nearly snarled, his voice low and deep in my ear, his arms boxing me in.</p><p>I fought to hide how I was shaking. “Nothing,” I stammered, cursing how my jaw locked with fear. “I just hate how you can hear me think. I have no privacy.”</p><p>“You ask me every time, without fail, if I heard more.”</p><p>There it was, his anger. It licked at my feet, scorching me like coals. He didn’t even need a lightsaber to kill someone, I thought; he only needed to get angry with them.</p><p>“What are you hiding?” Ren insisted, every word puncturing my chest.</p><p>“<em>Nothing</em>,” I insisted, swallowing hard, nearly unable to. My entire body was freezing with fear, tensing in hopes of protecting myself.</p><p>“It does not do well to lie to me. I will find out.”</p><p>The fire at my feet climbed up my calves to my knees. Then it conquered my thighs, hot and constricting like a demon had just anchored itself to me.</p><p>“I am not lying to you, Kylo!” I snapped, hands balling into fists at my sides. I tried to ignore how they trembled. “Why are you so hell-bent on the idea that I am hiding something? If this is going to work, you need to trust me sometimes!”</p><p>Kylo took a step back, perhaps startled by my outburst, or perhaps he believed me to be right. His chest heaved, the only sign that he was more than a statue.</p><p>I didn’t want to look at him anymore.</p><p>Ducking beneath his arms, I stormed away from him, only to have my wrist grabbed. I snarled and spun around to yell at him, only for him to yank me closer and press me against the wall. He kissed me almost as soon as my back hit the metal, his hands near crushing my jaw.</p><p> </p><p>He made me painfully weak. I turned to liquid under his touch. I couldn’t have fought it if I tried.</p><p>I bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, which I regretted the moment he growled low in his throat and squeezed my ass in his hands. He pressed his hips into mine and drew his lips along my neck, his tongue ghosting over my flesh.</p><p>I dug my nails into the bare skin of his shoulders, my fingers brushing over an array of small, raised scars. “How did you get these?”</p><p>“I hardly remember anymore,” he mumbled into my flesh, slowing to pepper soft kisses at the junction of my neck and shoulder. “None compare anymore.”</p><p>I softened, knowing just what he meant. I ran my hands over the scar on his side, and flashes of his time on that bridge skittered over my eyelids. His panic, his confusion, his agony, his desperation—wondering why something just <em>didn’t</em> work like he was promised, wondering why he just couldn’t <em>stop being torn apart </em>from the inside out.</p><p>I looked up with wide eyes, knitting my eyebrows together in concern. Ren darted his eyes away, looking almost ashamed as he hid the scar on his face from me.</p><p>Two of my fingers guided his face back toward mine, and I ran the index finger of the opposite hand over the raised flesh. His eyes were hard and emotionless then; I couldn’t sense much, but whatever he was feeling was unbeneficial.</p><p>I brushed my thumb over his cheekbone, urging him to look at me through my thoughts. When his eyes refocused on me, I searched them for a sign of pain for a moment before I realized he was <em>always </em>in pain.</p><p>“Why me?” He asked suddenly, his words quiet but the tone of his voice said so much more.</p><p>I blinked and furrowed my eyebrows once more. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Kylo leaned his face into my hand, his eyes falling shut. “Of all people, how do you want me?”</p><p>“Kylo,” I spoke, my voice cracking with pain. “This isn’t about what you’ve done. I see beyond that. I see so much more than that in you. I fall for a new part of you every single day. We are connected in some way I don’t understand; I don’t need physical proximity to be close to you. What I feel for you, I have never felt before. I am overjoyed that I left Hayu. I would pick you over Hayu endlessly.”</p><p>Kylo said nothing for a moment. He kept his eyes shut, warm cheek pressed into the palm of my hand. I didn’t rush him for words, knowing I may have just overwhelmed him with my sentiment. As much as I read into him, there was nothing decipherable. I vaguely felt the cold breath of sadness, but as soon as I felt it, it was gone.</p><p>“You are too good for me,” Kylo mumbled before wrapping his arms around me, pulling me tight against his chest. “Far too good for me.”</p><p>I frowned at the thought, shaking my head at him. “I am nothing of the sort, Kylo. If I was too much, the Force wouldn’t have brought me to you. And if I thought this to be not enough, I would not have stayed. The Force couldn’t make with stay with you. I choose to.”</p><p>“You were thinking the same of me.”</p><p>I paused, feeling stupid. He was right.</p><p>“Of course I am.”</p><p>I tiptoed and kissed the tip of his nose, rolling my eyes behind my eyelids. He scooped me up into his arms, carrying me against his warm chest. Ren carried me over to my bed, laying me down first before settling down beside me.</p><p>I reconstructed my wall as he shifted next to me, knowing this meant nothing for my safety. Regardless of how close we had gotten, I understood now that I could only fight his suspicions for so long.</p><p>Ren reached over me and clicked off the lamp. Kylo fell asleep soon after, his face buried in my shoulder. I couldn’t find sleep in the darkness as hard as I tried. My mind stuttered and stammered over the things I had just told Kylo.</p><p>I didn’t understand how I meant it all. How did I let myself get this far?</p><p>Even knowing I would have to give it up when the time came, I let myself get this far.</p><p>But now, I was not sure if I wanted to give it up—</p><p>if I would let myself give it up, if I would let someone take this from me.</p><p>Even for Poe. Even for Finn, and Rey, and Leia, and D’Qar.</p><p>This was going to absolutely ruin me.</p><p> </p><p>-----</p><p> </p><p>I did not know where this post was. Ren refused to let me take a regular transport shuttle with the others, so I found myself sitting at the control panel of the command shuttle beside him. I ran my fingers over the small red gem around my neck, wondering how far away from Poe I had just gotten. Closer? Further?</p><p>I hugged my knees to my chest as we entered the atmosphere. I closed my eyes and focused on putting the thoughts of Poe away; now was not the time.</p><p>It was not long before we had descended into a hangar. Kylo’s gloved hand on my shoulder forced my eyes open. I nodded at him, taking his hand when he extended it to me. He led me down the ramp and off the ship; such a simple gesture brought a horrifyingly vibrant blush upon my cheeks.</p><p>The doors parted for us, revealing a dimly lit expanse of metal flooring and beeping panels. I frowned, only to frown harder when he released my hand to ball his up at his sides. I followed his rapid footsteps, moving so quickly that the entire base just felt like one long, winding hallway with shiny buttons and bright panels that hurt my eyes.</p><p>We arrived at a large pair of navy doors, which parted at the lift of his hand. I followed him in, and a part of me was oddly pleased by how many officials we passed on our ways to the quarters of the First Order’s upper echelon.</p><p>The sitting room was, I estimated, the size of my entire quarters on the <em>Finalizer </em>alone, if not larger, and it came with a transparisteel wall that gave a view of sky-scraping emerald trees. There were mountains in the distance, so tall that the sun seemed to nearly touch them.</p><p>It looked… familiar.</p><p>Too familiar.</p><p>My gut clenched.</p><p>“Did you bring me to <em>Hayu</em>?”</p><p>“I did. You and Dyna are the only ones who speak Hayuaine. I have transferred you here together,” he replied, his voice still electronic from the mask he had yet to take off. “Is there a problem? I thought you would be pleased.”</p><p>Screwing my eyes shut, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “It’s not that. But if my parents find out I am here, they will execute me.”</p><p>“They will not find out. Even if they do, they are in no position to take you. You are Order property.”</p><p>There was a soft click and hiss as he removed the mask from his shoulders. Kylo approached me and wrapped his long arms around my waist, his chest flush against my back.</p><p>“I will not allow anyone to bring harm to you.”</p><p>My hearted warmed, allowing me to relax a little. I let out a puff of air from my lungs and wrapped my hands over his at my waist. He pressed a soft kiss against the top of my head, resting his chin there. Our skin collected the golden sunshine filtering in through the transparisteel wall, both of us staring out into the green.</p><p>Things felt so good then, so serene that it nearly felt wrong.</p><p>The comfort I felt then did not match the man holding me at all.</p><p>“Kylo, what are we?” It came out as a whisper as much as I intended it to sound confident.</p><p>The question was sudden in his eyes but long-awaited in my own. Did I not deserve to know now that we were sharing quarters, now that I may have been—</p><p>              “I don’t know,” he responded after a moment of thought.</p><p>              My heart fell, sinking to the bottom of my stomach.</p><p>              “You <em>don’t know</em>?” I spun around to face him, my eyes frantically darting from one facial feature to the next, searching for a sign of a lie. “How do you not know? We share quarters. Surely that must mean—”</p><p>              Ren’s face contorted with annoyance. “I don’t know. It is best you stop asking.”</p><p>              I huffed at him, crossing my arms over my chest. “Stop asking? I should <em>stop asking</em>? You should give me a direct answer. Don’t I deserve to know?”</p><p>              “<em>I </em>don’t even know what we are. We just arrived. Why is this bothering you so suddenly?”</p><p>              “We live together now, Kylo. I would like to know with whom I am living.”</p><p>              “You live with Kylo Ren.”</p><p>              I clicked my tongue at him and rolled my eyes, face rampant with disbelief. “That is such a stupid—”</p><p>              “Did you want to hear that you are merely entertainment? Is that what you wanted to hear?”</p><p>              I stiffened like someone had just stuck a metal pole through my abdomen, and a tear trickled down my cheek just the same. I backed away into the transparisteel, struggling to process the emotion and intention behind that statement.</p><p>              Kylo Ren’s eyes were clouded, his brows pinched, and stupidly he reached out to touch me. I flinched and cast my head away, as if he had just laid his hands on me. I choked out a gasp and shook my head vehemently, knowing that I needed to go.</p><p>              “Aiene!” Ren called after me, and before I could reply, he had caught my wrist in his vice-like grip. “Aiene, listen—”</p><p>              “Stop talking!” I seethed, anger engulfing my body like a wildfire. “I <em>knew</em> I was never anything to you. You <em>never </em>felt anything for me. How could you, right? And now I’m just <em>entertainment</em>—”</p><p>              Kylo Ren swallowed my words with his lips, pushing my back tightly against the door. Even then, I was no match for the connection I shared with him. I tensed, but that was all the fight my body had left in me.</p><p>              I should have known. This was a stupid move on both my and the Resistance’s part, not just moving to Hayu but this whole mission in general—</p><p>              My thoughts were interrupted by Kylo’s thumb sweeping away the tear dripping down my cheek. I swatted his hand away.</p><p>              I would leave after this, I told myself. This couldn’t go on any longer.</p><p>              My anger dripped past my teeth and into his mouth, leaving me filled to the brim with all the hope I was losing. I hoped it tasted bitter, like bile. I wanted him to gag on it.</p><p>              His hand moved from my cheek to dip beneath my sweater, yanking me away from my thoughts. I bit harshly into his lip, drawing a deep growl form him. My nails dug into his biceps, biting his skin through the fabric. I wanted him to feel the regret seeping from my fingertips.</p><p>              I kissed him anyway, losing touch with reality. I looked for myself in him—a sign. I needed a sign.</p><p>              His hands crawled up my belly, cutting the rope I had used to climb from our world into my own. Yanking my hands away, I allowed my stray tears to drip from my eyes and chin. I made no move to pull away from him; I couldn’t let him go.</p><p>              I really, truthfully could not let him go.</p><p>              Despite what he had said, I didn’t want to.</p><p>              Ren separated himself from me momentarily. “I’m sorry.” He buried his face in the crook of my neck and held me tightly to him, his grip almost suffocating. “You mustn’t go.”</p><p>              “Where would I go?” I croaked, my throat squeezing itself to a close. It didn’t want these words to come out. “Nowhere compares to next to you.”</p><p>              Ren nodded, silent but his words were clear.</p><p>              Then he left me a few moments later.</p><p>              Training of his own, apparently.</p><p>              I slid down onto the floor, head hitting the wall with a deep <em>thunk</em>. I was lost for words and feelings; I felt used, worthless, and like I had failed somehow. Who had I failed?</p><p>              This was going to kill me. Slowly, naturally. Ren would probably never kill me himself, but this experience was starting to wear me so thin that I thought I would thank him if he did.</p><p>              I understood this was never meant to be easy. Easy enough, perhaps, but never easy. This was so much worse than I could have ever imagined.</p><p>              I understood love would never come easy to him. He had been so starved from it for years. He probably forgot what it was.</p><p>              I understood his parents did not truly believe there was something greater at work in him. He had long given up fighting for the Light; the being tugging him to the Dark side since his childhood was the only one who had ever given him anything.</p><p>              I understood he lost his understanding of love in exchange for understanding his rage and the power his anger held. His emotions were a vicious cycle that I was going to have to break.</p><p>              Yes, I understood, but it did not excuse him.</p><p>              Breaking him couldn’t have been pretty. He wouldn’t have gone down without a fight; I saw that then. I was in his cracks, and he knew it. If that were my mission, I could have called for Poe right then.</p><p>              But that wasn’t what I was here for. Getting into his mind wasn’t enough to save innocent people from dying. It wasn’t enough to save the galaxy. I had to break his faith in the Dark side; I had to burn his eyes with the Light. He had to die.</p><p>              Despite that, it was hard forcing myself to remember where my loyalties were.</p><p>              The Resistance sent me here to eat him alive, to spin his vulnerability out like thread and knit it into a sweater for me to keep. I was giving him the love he had desired to feel his entire life then poison his system with my betrayal.</p><p>              But how? How could I do that when it was clearer than ever that he needed me?</p><p>              I groaned, rubbing my temples with two fingers.</p><p>              My feelings should have never come into the equation. I had strict orders from the Resistance. I was here to prey on his vulnerability; that was all.</p><p> </p><p>-----</p><p>             </p><p>              I lied about being done avoiding him. Dyna allowed me to stay in her quarters with her after hearing what had happened between Ren and me.</p><p>              I slept there, woke there, ate there—did everything except work there.</p><p>              Ren knew exactly where I was. He did not come around.</p><p>              Every so often he would attempt to visit my office, but he was awful at attempting to conceal his Force signature sometimes. Even if he could have managed to hide it, I would have known. His presence lit an uncontrollable fire in my skull.</p><p>              I could only bring myself to stay away for a week. There was no risk of him giving up on me, but I couldn’t be without him. I knew well I should have hated him the way I used to, but I didn’t have it in me. Physically, emotionally, I was his; it was almost painful existing without his presence.</p><p>              Vulnerability was an awful thing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. From the Dark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The First Order sent me away to Arula abruptly, so quickly that I did not even have time to alert Kylo Ren. Prince Solenh had lost his temper and attempted to not only sever ties with the First Order but also order troops onto Hayu. I couldn’t even have imagined what sparked his tantrum.</p><p>              I understood immediately why I was really summoned—other than the excuse that I was the only translator who spoke Arulanh, as if Arula did not also speak Basic—when General Hux mentioned that I was to be sent as “Princess Ythelene of the First Order,” which was what he said Solenh had called me. I nearly choked, rolling my eyes at the thought. <em>Of course</em>, Solenh would speak only to the Aiene lookalike.</p><p>              I was forced to re-dye my hair black, and afterwards they stuffed me into a corset and a new, handmade gown. I noticed a few of the faces who were dressing me looked familiar. I had never paid enough attention to the servants on Hayu to put names to faces, but I knew I had seen them before. And judging by their pale faces, as if they had just seen a ghost, they had definitely seen me before.</p><p>              One of the servants came and set my old tiara on my head, sitting it on my skull the way it was supposed to rest. I felt almost overwhelmed when I looked in the mirror, surrounded by whispers of how I looked exactly like their dead princess. It was me, in the flesh. I was back.</p><p>              They hurried me through the hangar, olive green fabric rimmed with pearls trailing after me as I climbed the ramp. I was glad they had selected a drab dress; Solenh didn’t deserve the effort.</p><p>              The meeting itself was boring. Solenh refused to speak anything other than Arulanh, though he and I both knew he could speak Basic just fine. He took the opportunity to make remarks that I could <em>not </em>translate to the officials present. It took every last ounce of restraint I had to grit my teeth and mile instead of beating his face in. All I wanted was to shove the ugly scarf he wore down his throat.</p><p>              At the end, though, I was successful in restoring friendly relations; he dismissed his troops from Hayu without much trouble. If I had done anything for my people, it was this, stopping an unnecessary war over an arrogant boy’s temper. My people didn’t need to die over that.</p><p>              I was still seething when I returned to Hayu. My parents waited for me at the entrance, standing straight with their ever-regal posture, hands clasped behind their backs. They were waiting to hear the news; I was the one to give it to them.</p><p>              I already knew what was coming. My parents’ anger couldn’t have been soothed so easily.</p><p>              My mother moved to hit me in the jaw once I got within her reach, and my father grabbed at my arms to restrain me for her. Within seconds, I had them flung against the wall, my rage lighting a fire in my arms and hands. They were suspended, hands grasping at their throats as I balled my hand into a fist, throttling them with all the strength I could muster.</p><p>              “You can hardly even call me your daughter, let alone your property. I belong to the First Order; you have no right to lay a finger on me. Dare touch me again and I cannot guarantee I will be as kind as this,” I snarled, dropping my hand to my side.</p><p>              They fell to the floor, sputtering and gasping for air, clutching at their bruised throats, when I turned on my heel and stomped away. My vision was red, so red I could hardly see straight, my body burning from the inside out. Even the air, which was normally ice cold, was scorching, clinging to my body, melting me alive.</p><p>              I entered the quarters I shared with Kylo Ren, knowing I would frighten Dyna with my anger. I half-expected Ren to be present, but he was nowhere to be seen. Ducking into our bedroom, I scrambled under the blankets, still too furious to focus on anything else.</p><p>              I pushed it away with deep breaths, let it ebb away in scarlet wisps. The angry tremors stirring my body came to an end, leaving me still underneath the covers. I released my jaw, wincing in pain. I hadn’t even realized how hard I was clenching it.</p><p>              The bedroom door opened suddenly, and my head snapped up to look. A big, billowing mass of black stood in our doorway, unwavering. I didn’t know what to say to him, especially considering I could <em>feel </em>his anger. It was absolutely directed at me.</p><p>              He stared at me, his body tense and tight. His anger rolled off him in pulsing waves, but it didn’t scare me. Not anymore. I was everything to him; he wouldn’t dare touch me.</p><p>              “You have returned. I see you took it upon yourself to leave without informing me.”</p><p>              I rolled my eyes. “I was unaware you needed to be aware of my whereabouts every second of the day, <em>Father</em>.”</p><p>              His growl was low and plucked into pieces by his vocoder. “I cannot have you getting hurt. You are far too valuable.”</p><p>              “Nice to know I am here only to further the First Order’s agenda.” I shook my head in disbelief, rolling over onto my back to stare at the ceiling. “And here I thought you cared.”</p><p>              “I do,” he snapped. “Do not doubt that for even another second.”</p><p>              I ignored him, cocking an eyebrow in amusement. Yes, of course he cared. That was why he described me as entertainment last week.</p><p>              “You choked your parents.”</p><p>              Not a question.</p><p>              “I did.”</p><p>              “How could you have known to do that?”</p><p>              I made a face, crinkling my nose. “I don’t know. I’ve obviously never been trained before. I was just angry. It just happened. If anyone should understand what that’s like, it’s you.”</p><p>              “You’ve been trained before.”</p><p>              Another statement.</p><p>              I snorted, sitting up to look at him again. “Funny. Tell me, how could someone have trained me on Hayu or while I was in hiding? There’s just a line of people <em>waiting </em>to train a princess knowing it could get them beheaded. Or, even more believably, everyone is just <em>dying </em>to train a dead woman. Sure, Kylo. I was trained already.”</p><p>              He was quiet for a moment, admitting defeat.</p><p>              “Why have you been avoiding me?”</p><p>              I groaned internally. Of course he would ask me that.</p><p>              “It’s almost like you said I was only entertainment to you, or something,” I deadpanned.</p><p>              “You know it isn’t that simple. I don’t—”</p><p>              “I don’t want to hear your excuses, Kylo. Just drop it. I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>              Ren was quiet again, leaving us in silent before it was interrupted by the hiss and pop of his mask being removed and the <em>thunk </em>of it being placed on the dresser. He crawled into bed besides me and took me into his arms, resting his forehead on my shoulder.</p><p>              I wanted to stay angry. I wanted my anger to devour him, transport him somewhere else.</p><p>              But I couldn’t.</p><p>              He hummed behind me, pressing a gentle kiss onto the back of my head. I was overcome with a slow flow of calming energy entering my being. I relaxed, my muscles turning to soup in his hands.</p><p>              “I apologize,” he whispered in my head.</p><p>              I wanted to say <em>something</em>, but I had no words. I had exhausted all possible reactions except for letting him hold me. I found an odd comfort being in his arms, knowing he and I were closer than either of us understood, even if it was hard to tell sometimes.</p><p>              I knew it then, that this comfort was mutual. It was why I was in his quarters, why he had gotten so mad for leaving without telling him.</p><p>              Even if I fed the Light in him, he didn’t want me to stop.</p><p>              I guess that counted for something.</p><p>-----</p><p>              This sun had come straight from hell, I was sure of it. I had forgotten how insufferable summers on Hayu could get. The days stretched to nearly nineteen hours long with the sun high in the sky for most of it. Sweat poured from every single location possible on my body. As I reached up to wipe away a bead on my forehead, my eyes caught the star-scraping mountains in the distance. It had been a while since I had felt so small.</p><p>              I struggled to keep up with Ren’s strides. He had dragged me out into the woods somewhere until he came upon a small clearing. He had shown me it on a map; I knew exactly where we were. I had run away with Jaso once here while my parents were out on interplanetary affairs. We were a little too close to the capital for my liking.</p><p>              The memories I thought had faded were now laid out in the short grass before me, laying among small, pastel flowers and chirping birds in the trees. I could almost see Jaso and I sitting on a picnic blanket we had laid out, a crown of flowers Jaso had picked for me on my head.</p><p>              Ren took a seat in the middle of the clearing, gesturing for me to sit beside him. I settled into the ground at his side, rolling my shoulders back and letting out a small side.</p><p>              “Why did you bring me out here, Kylo?” I asked, yanking a fistful of grass from the earth, letting them fall from my palm over my calves and thighs.</p><p>              “You need to get more,” he replied, his voice oddly steely in such a pretty place. “Besides, I thought you might miss Hayu.”</p><p>              My lips quirked into a knowing grin. “I did. Thank you. What are we doing out here, though? Don’t you have Commander Ren-y things to be doing?”</p><p>              “This is one of those things.”</p><p>              Ren scooted closer to me. When he looked at me next, it was deep, and I felt rather naked with him looking so intently.</p><p>              “What else can you do? Besides block me from your thoughts and Force choke your parents.”</p><p>              “Nothing. I haven’t been trained.”</p><p>              He paused for a moment and stared at the sea of trees towering above us. Their leaves danced in the gentle breeze, a soft hum filling the air. I played with a small flower by my feet, waiting for him to speak.</p><p>              After a few moments, his shut eyes popped open. “I sense the Dark side in you.”</p><p>              I blinked hard, lips quirking into a confused frown. “Does that… please you?”</p><p>              “It makes things easier,” he mumbled, his voice giving no hints to his own feelings or to whatever he was speaking about. “Feel it in you. Pull from it.”</p><p>              I nodded and furrowed my brows, pretending to understand what he was talking about. More, though, I wondered why Rey never mentioned this to me. Had she known along? She had to have known. Leia, too.</p><p>              How could they have sent me here knowing that? How could they have been so sure I wouldn’t succumb to it, that I wouldn’t be in the same position I was in now?</p><p>              There was Light in me, that I knew well. I wouldn’t be like Kylo—I couldn’t.</p><p>              But where did this come from? How did it get there?</p><p>              “How?” I asked, not quite understanding my own question.</p><p>              Kylo, thinking I was asking how to find it, replied, “You’ll know.”</p><p>              He gave my hand a gentle squeeze, as if that would add any clarity to what he said. I screwed my eyes shut, looking for the Force in me. I felt it in my head nearly always, but hardly ever in my body.</p><p>              I started with my head, rummaging through the thoughts and memories there. The Force met me with excitement, buzzing and fluttering around my presence. As I drug myself through my body, it did not follow. I felt nothing, not even a slight twitch.</p><p>              Then I thought back to the times I had been angry.</p><p>              Of Solenh pissing me off when I met him, his dirty hands trying to grace themselves with my skin.</p><p>              Of Kylo referring to me as mere entertainment, of the certainty and distaste in his voice as he lied to my face.</p><p>              Of my parents and their attempts to harm me, of the way they squirmed against the wall, of the way I bruised their throats and crushed their windpipes in my rage, of the <em>power </em>I had finally gotten to taste.</p><p>              My body stirred, and a buzzing came alive in my chest. I followed it, felt for it, reached for it, dipped my fingers in it—icy, scalding, rippling under my touch.</p><p>              Passion—Kylo, his hands gliding along my skin, the nails scraping the inside of my skull every time he was near, the desire for him engrained into every single cell in my body.</p><p>              Power—crowns and thrones that did not all belong to me, rose petals at my feet, my parents struggling for breath against the wall, their empty croaks as they begged me for their lives, my fist as I crushed them with all the anger I had pent up for two decades.</p><p>              Regality—my gown, my gems, my hair swishing against my waist, my shoulders rolling back, my smile that brought men to their knees, silver hair that wasn’t mine.</p><p>              Desperation—losing Ren, abandoning him, his anger, his jealousy, his horror at who I truly was, falling to my knees after him as he left me, cradling him to my chest to keep the Resistance at bay.</p><p>              Anger—wrapping my hands around an unfamiliar throat, squeezing the life out of my parents, blowing the entire planet of Arula into mere atoms, Ren and his fury, his fury that was mine.</p><p>              Lust—Kylo, only Kylo.</p><p>              Then, sheets of ice, drenched in blood. Snow, dyed red. It wasn’t Ren. It wasn’t me. There were two figures, blurry, unidentifiable. And then abruptly, the sun, the meadow I was in, and I was crying, sobbing, nearly ripping my hair out in agony, surrounded by puffs of charcoal smoke. I was alone.</p><p>              My eyes shot open with a sputtering gasp. I clutched at my heart, heaving, begging for the life that was nearly smothered out of me. Kylo’s hands steadied my shoulders, his concern trickling onto my tongue like rain.</p><p>              “Found it,” I croaked, shooting him a tiny, nervous smile.</p><p>              I didn’t understand what had happened—what <em>was </em>happening. Were those feelings mine? Some of those memories were not mine.</p><p>              I didn’t understand why my whole body buzzed where Ren’s hands were. I felt intoxicated and so, so scared. None of this made sense.</p><p>              What had I done?</p><p>              It was free in me now. My body was warm, humming, alive. I didn’t know what I had just done. I didn’t know what any of this meant. Something felt wrong. I felt sick.</p><p>              Kylo’s hand moved to his hip, unclipping his lightsaber from his belt. My entire body recoiled. He shot me a look and rolled it a short distance away from us.</p><p>              “Bring it to you.”</p><p>              This was a simple task, but I still had to lie.</p><p>              I faked an attempt, only holding my hand out in a false show of effort. He directed me to concentrate, to feel what I had just unlocked. I wouldn’t have gone back into my chest like that if my life depended on it.</p><p>              I gave him a few more failures before successfully drawing his lightsaber to me. It sailed into my hand seamlessly, and I handed it back to Ren, who merely rolled it away again. I drew it back to me with ease, squeezing my eyes shut to sell my effort.</p><p>              The sun was still high in the sky when he stood, holding a hand out to help me up. The grass scratched my ankles as I stood, the wind gently brushing my black waves from my shoulder. His glove was soft, the seams stiff, in my hand. I smiled. This was the gesture that spoke to me the most.</p><p>              I glanced at him after some time. His face was lit up by the patches of sunlight streaming in through the canopy. I was encased in his shadow beside him. Ren was beautiful to me, from his honey eyes, to his angled nose, to his full lips set upon a strong jaw. His scar was bold, proof of his strength and survival.</p><p>              We exchanged no words as we trudged back to post. There was nothing to say. My heart was still perched in my throat, unsure of what to make of the things that spoke to me in my chest.</p><p>-----       </p><p>              It was storming when I woke. The room was dark despite the time, a thick, fluffy layer of charcoal grey clouds hanging low in the sky like an overprotective parent. I was alone, his side of the bed long-cold.</p><p>              Just as I drug myself out of bed, there was a knock on the door. I hurried to the door, which revealed two Stormtroopers after I tugged it open.</p><p>              “Supreme Leader has requested your presence,” one said blankly.</p><p>              I nodded slowly, still wary of them since Jaso had attacked me.</p><p>              “Give me a few moments, please,” I said, the news begging to set in, its teeth sunk into my flesh. “I will be right out.”</p><p>              My heart sunk, beating so quickly that the room spun. My breaths shallowed, so much so that I felt dizzy. Walking was a chore; I stumbled towards my dresser and shoved my uniform. The adrenaline made my movements choppy; I nearly tripped on nothing on my way out.</p><p>              The Stormtroopers pounded on the door, impatiently this time. I stuck my feet into my oxfords and nearly ran into the hallway, apologizing for taking so long. They drug me to wherever it was I would find Supreme Leader.</p><p>              I didn’t know what he looked like. What he even was.</p><p>              They led me down a series of long hallways, the normal humming and beeping quickly drowned out by distance.</p><p>              The Stormtroopers stopped abruptly at a large metal door, gesturing towards it with their blasters. I shot them a nervous look, almost pleading, as if they could have stopped this. They never even saw it, their backs since turned by the time I looked at them.</p><p>              The doors parted in front of me, revealing a long bridge across an open, mind-numbingly deep hole. I pushed on, crossing the bridge slowly. There was no rail, only lights built into the floor at the edge of the walkway.</p><p>              Ren stood at the end of the walkway, head upturned toward Supreme Leader, his mask cradled against his chest. He did not look at me. In fact, he gave no inclination that he even knew I was there.</p><p>              I passed him and stood a distance away, lifting my head to look at the hologram. It showed a tall, alien-looking <em>thing</em> with large, nearly-hollow eye sockets and gashes on his cheek and head. I thought that I had seen the devil.</p><p>              “Is this the girl, Kylo Ren?”</p><p>              I lost feeling in my entire body then, my fear crippling and numbing. I wasn’t even sure how I was still standing.</p><p>              “Yes, Supreme Leader.”</p><p>              Supreme Leader moved away from Ren and stopped in front of me, leading down to peer at me curiously. I swallowed hard and kept my mouth shut, but I couldn’t stop the way my body shook in fear.</p><p>              He looked at me like he wanted to eat me.</p><p>              “Princess Aiene Seira Yeuthorne of Hayu,” he muttered. He made my name sound so ugly. “And you are Force-sensitive.”</p><p>              I nodded meekly. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”</p><p>              “Are there other Force-sensitives in your bloodline, Princess?”</p><p>              Supreme Leader bent down further, getting uncomfortably close. I resisted the urge to turn my face away and squeeze my eyes shut. This had to have been a nightmare.</p><p>              “Not that I know of. I do not know anything about my bloodline.”</p><p>              “What do you sense in her, Ren?”</p><p>              If he had eyes, he did not take them off me for even a moment.</p><p>              “Dark, Supreme Leader. I sensed it in her yesterday at the start of our training.”</p><p>              He moved toward Kylo then, bending in front of him. I wondered how Kylo could stand being so close to Supreme Leader. I was traumatized just seeing him, let alone being around him for as long as Ren had been.</p><p>              “Is she the one who has been distracting you so much lately, Ren?”</p><p>              My heart sank, and my face fell.</p><p>              I knew exactly where this was going.</p><p>              “Yes, Supreme Leader. She is the woman I mentioned, but she is no distraction.”</p><p>              “I can sense she is only becoming a hindrance, Ren.”</p><p>              “She is not, Supreme Leader. I would not allow her to stand in the way of my duty.”</p><p>              Supreme Leader laughed, the sound guttural and wet. I could have vomited hearing it if my emotions hadn’t solidified into a lump in my throat. “Oh, is that so?”</p><p>Something was so wrong here. My gut was flipping around in knots.</p><p>“If that’s the case, then, tell me, Ren: What is she to you?”</p><p>My heart stopped momentarily before lurching into my throat, further suffocating me. I buzzed with curiosity and fear at the same time. I knew he did not know. I could have lived with that. Even I did not know—</p><p>“Nothing, Supreme Leader. She is nothing to me.”</p><p>I almost laughed. The statement was hilarious, truly, except he seemed so serious. I found tears stinging my eyes; I dug my hands into the fabric of my sweater while trying to will them away. I tried so hard; Ren and Supreme Leader did not deserve to see my pain, but there was only one way to go.</p><p>My tears fell, sliding down my cheeks while my chest heaved and quaked. I bit back every cry of disbelief and frustration and horror I had in me.</p><p>I didn’t look at Kylo. I knew he did not dare look at me.</p><p>My ears were ringing. My cheeks were hot. My face hurt.</p><p>Supreme Leader shifted, coming to look at me. There was no pity on his face. No, his lips were instead upturned into an ugly, gloating smirk. I did not dare turn my face away. He already knew.</p><p>“Look at her, Ren. She’s crying.” Supreme Leader tilted his head. “Feed off your sadness, young Princess. Know Ren does not need you. He has the entire galaxy at his fingertips; he can do without you. He would be better without you.”</p><p>I nodded, my lip quivering. I wasn’t crying then, not anymore. Anger boiled in my stomach, churning, threatening to overflow out of my mouth. My whole body was scorching hot, like my skin was purging the sun.</p><p>“Yes, Supreme Leader. Of course.”</p><p>“Dismissed.”</p><p>I didn’t run, only marched away with regality tainted by the anger painting my vision. They would not get to see me any weaker than I had already looked. I wanted Kylo Ren to listen to my footsteps as I left, knowing that there would be none returning to him.</p><p>How had I been so stupid to believe he could have ever needed me? <em>Of course,</em> he never needed me. He didn’t know <em>how </em>to need me. He did not know what love was, or how to love anyone, or even how to be loved by someone.</p><p>Kylo Ren used me for his own entertainment, just as he said. He watched me resist until I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was an idiot for not listening.</p><p>He was untouchable. Even with my hands all over him, he was untouchable.</p><p>I was a fool, a pathetic fool, but I would not be fooled again.</p><p>I stormed down the halls toward the work station, shoving anyone who dared get in my way into a wall with the Force. Their pained cries and the sparks from ruined control panels struck joy into me. I reveled in the damage, nearly floating in my power.</p><p>They would hurt like me, too. I wanted them to.</p><p>I took Dyna by the arm and rushed her out into the hallway, Hux be damned. She sputtered and grabbed at my hand, but when I sniffled, she went willingly.</p><p>Dyna guided me to her quarters, knowing already who this was about. I opened the door with the Force and slammed it behind us, not caring who saw me do that.</p><p>She turned to look at me, but I had already collapsed onto the arm of her couch, sobbing into my knees. She took a seat next to me, pulling me into her arms and stroking my hair.</p><p>I cried, and cried, and cried. It could have been for hours that we sat there, my face in her shoulder, her hands on my head.</p><p>As my sobbing died down into a quiet weep, she asked carefully, “What happened?”</p><p>I let out a heavy sigh, but as much air left my chest, it still felt full of something—thorns, maybe.</p><p>“Ren,” was all I could say at first.</p><p>Dyna looked at me, eyes soft and alive with concern. She didn’t push me. I wouldn’t have known what to say even if she did.</p><p>After another moment, I explained, “I was called to meet with Supreme Leader. He asked Kylo who I was to him… and he said I was nothing.”</p><p>My throat tightened up, my eyes watering again at the thought. My chest still felt swollen, full to the brim of something I couldn’t put my finger on. This was greater in ways than I understood, but I couldn’t figure out why this felt so crushing, why my soul felt torn in half.</p><p>“He couldn’t have meant that,” Dyna said carefully, tucking a strand of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes behind my ear.</p><p>“He seemed pretty certain when he said it,” I replied, looking up at the ceiling. “Maybe I should go home.”</p><p>She patted my shoulder, looking for the right words to say. “If you decide that’s what is best for you, then go. If you choose to stay, you can stay here with me until it’s time for you to leave. And I will kick his ass for you.”</p><p>My lips split into a tiny grin, a singular tear running down my face. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”</p><p>“I’d do it for you.”</p><p>I sniffled and nudged her arm with an amused shake of my head.</p><p>“You know he’ll be back,” she said after a moment, turning her head to look at me. “He will be. They always come back.”</p><p>Some part of me knew that was true. The rest of me was stuck on how sharply, how certainly he had said that I was nothing. He crafted a knife out of his words, and he held no hesitation in using it on me.</p><p>How could I have mattered so little that he could hurt me like this?</p><p>How could this have all been an act?</p><p>How didn’t I know?</p><p>It didn’t matter anymore, I supposed. Ren would be back, and he would die for what he’s done. All of it.</p><p>------</p><p>I turned the corner, the hallway opening up to reveal arching double doors that I knew would lead to the outside of the base. I shoved them open, my legs carrying me outside in a full-on sprint. There was  a ship landed a short distance away, hidden behind the trees. It wasn’t visible then, but I knew where it was.</p><p>It was tiny, unmarked, honestly sort of raggedy looking. I looked to the side and saw his hand in mine; he was pulling me, nearly dragging me, with an iron grip. The air was filled with violent, loud explosions, and the sky was streaked with grey clouds of exhaust from other x-wings zooming overhead. The scent of melting metal and smoke was dizzying, nauseating. It was one of the last things I’d remember about this place.</p><p>We made it to the ship, but I hardly noticed. My mind was clouded with thoughts of Kylo, of where he was, if he was safe, who had gotten to him—if anyone had made it that far. But when Poe grabbed me by the face and kissed me, my chest lit up with sparks. It only lasted for a moment, but everything ebbed away until it was only Poe and me in the entire galaxy. The explosions drowned themselves, rendering only as a low hum in the back of mind. There was no metal melting, threatening to cave in, no smoke billowing over my head. It was just Poe and me. Nothing and nobody else, not even time.</p><p>I pulled away and looked at him, tilting his chin up to look at me. He had a gash in his hairline; blood dripped slightly down his forehead, smeared over his skin. I reached up to wipe it away with my sleeve but—</p><p>I hardly heard the low hum before I was yanked like a ragdoll backwards, flying through the air into a hard mass. Poe’s face immediately fell, his hands reaching out to grab me, but they were too slow.</p><p>I knew it was Kylo. There was nothing that felt quite like him. His lightsaber rested near my thigh, the heat almost singeing my skin. When I looked at him, he was wearing his mask, dented and covered in streaks of blood. Whose?</p><p>I kicked and thrashed, but his grip on me was too strong. There was no way to get him to release the Force hold on me.</p><p>Kylo stared at Poe, not even daring to move. Poe kept his bravest face on, but I knew by the heaving of his chest that he feared for his life and mine.</p><p>“Don’t you touch him,” I warned as Kylo nearly <em>sauntered </em>past me, closer and closer to Poe. “You said you wouldn’t hurt me, Kylo!”</p><p>“I’m not hurting you,” he deadpanned, all emotion filtered away from his voice by the vocoder.</p><p>“Poe, <em>go</em>!” I yelled, but Poe stood still, his eyes darting between me and Ren as he approached. “I’ll be fine, just <em>leave me here </em>and <em>go</em>!”</p><p>He couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t leave me with Ren, not after he had me so close.</p><p>“Kylo, don’t you dare!” I screamed, still fighting against the invisible chains he had wrapped me up in. “I <em>love </em>him! If you hurt him, you hurt me in the exact same way!”</p><p>Ren spun on his heels to face me, his lightsaber still activated. I shot Poe a look, telling him with my eyes to run while he had the chance, but he didn’t move. Ren’s lightsaber nearly nicked my face, drawing my eyes back to him as I reflexively whipped my head away.</p><p>He deactivated it without even moving his hands before taking off his mask, the familiar pop and hiss unusually loud in my ears.</p><p>“You love him?” His brows knitted together. “But you are bonded to me.”</p><p>“I love him.” I nodded fiercely, my voice not at all matching my certainty. “Being bonded to you means nothing to me. I don’t love you, and I have never loved you the way I love Poe.”</p><p>“You lie.”</p><p>“Accept the truth, Ren. I don’t love you.”</p><p>“I know you are lying, Aiene.”</p><p>My stomach churned at the thought, my whole body suddenly aflame with anger. Poe still stood, his back pressed against the ship, eyes glued to me. His presence did nothing to put out the wildfire that swallowed up my chest.</p><p>“I was the only woman you ever made you feel love, who had ever given you what you thought was love in return, and it is <em>killing </em>you to know that <em>none of it was real.</em> I came here to kill you, Ren. You will crumble without me. You will <em>die </em>without me. I would love to watch that. Keep deluding yourself, Kylo. I dare you. It will only make watching you bleed even better.”</p><p>He snarled loudly, hell consuming his eyes. I felt every last bit of his rage, melting me like a candle. I loved seeing the power I held over him; I wore his fury like a crown.</p><p>He swung his lightsaber out in front of him, glowing a nasty crimson. Immediately, the pleasure and light in my eyes burned out, leaving fear in its ashes. As his hands quivered, the lightsaber trembled; Kylo, whoever he was on the inside, wherever I had left him in the maze of breaking him, did not want to do this to me.</p><p>But he had to.</p><p>Poe screamed for me, my name almost unintelligible in his fear and agony. The Dark side of Kylo Ren proved victorious, guiding Ren’s other hand to push the Poe away. The Force rammed him into the side of the shuttle. Poe let out a deep, pained groan.</p><p>That was the last thing I heard besides the low, taunting hum of Ren’s lightsaber as it sailed through the air over my head. Just as it collided with my skull—</p><p>My eyes flew open, and I shot upright, sweat pouring from my forehead and temples, gasping for air I couldn’t seem to find. My hands rushed to my head, patting frantically to ensure I was still whole.</p><p>I dropped my hands onto the cool leather of the couch, taking a fistful of the edge of the cushion into my hand. I scanned the room quickly, sighing in relief when I saw Dyna asleep peacefully on her bed.</p><p>I didn’t know what had just happened. I couldn’t begin to understand. It wasn’t a dream—it was so much more. I had <em>lived </em>that moment.</p><p>How had I just died and survived?</p><p>And I was <em>bonded </em>to Ren? Or I would be?</p><p>I laid back down, pulling a pillow over my face and groaning into it. I had a while left before I would get back to sleep, if I did at all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Something but Nothing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Why won’t you call in sick?” Dyna asked, laying on her stomach with her bed, elbows propped to rest her chin in her palms. “You’re training with Kylo today, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>With a sad nod, I sighed. “Yes, but I can’t disregard my mission this far in, and Supreme Leader expects my training to go on anyway. And I can’t let either of them know how much this hurts.”</p>
<p>“I’m absolutely positive Kylo Ren knows, Aiene.”</p>
<p>“I know, but he doesn’t need to see it.”</p>
<p>She pursed her lips. “Aiene, this isn’t easy for you. You don’t have to pretend it is just because of your mission. It’s just a day.” I shot her a look, knowing well one day wouldn’t stay just one day. “Okay, fine, don’t take the day off then. But refuse to train with him when he comes around.”</p>
<p>I cocked an eyebrow, shaking my head in defeat. “You’re out to get me killed.”</p>
<p>“He may have played with your feelings, but there is no way all of that was fake. He couldn’t let that run on for so long knowing the consequences it could have. I think he’s actually very soft for you. He wouldn’t kill you over that.”</p>
<p>Immediately, the dream, vision—<em>thing</em>—from last night flickered across my eyelids.</p>
<p>Right, he wouldn’t kill me over something so small, but when he was absolutely capable and willing to kill me when the price was right.</p>
<p>“You know I have to go.”</p>
<p>I rose just as she threw a makeup bag at me, instructing me to do my makeup to cheer myself up. I only put on a little, not wanting to keep her waiting longer than I already had. When I left her bathroom, she was already dressed, slipping her feet into her oxfords. I didn’t know what I would have done without Dyna.</p>
<p>I thought I would make it to the work station without incident. The stars had other ideas, it seemed. We had just passed the command center when I felt a strong, urgent itch in the back of my head. My head whipped around; I looked everywhere, but he wasn’t there.</p>
<p>He was approaching. And fast.</p>
<p>I tugged Dyna to the edge of the hallway, my lower lip caught in a bruising grip between my teeth.</p>
<p>“Ren is coming,” I whispered in her ear. “Trust me on this. I’m going to smile at you, but do not look at me.”</p>
<p>Dyna blinked in confusion but nodded slowly, an air of caution in her motions. We resumed walking, and she relaxed after a moment. I walked with my shoulders back and my spine straight, a false regality about me.</p>
<p>The itch intensified into knives cutting into my brainstem. At the end of the seemingly-endless hallway before us, I made out the swish of his robes as he turned the corner. I nudged her with my elbow to alert her.</p>
<p>He grew nearer, and when he was close enough, I nudged her harder. Dyna turned her head, pretending to whisper something to me. I peeled my lips into a grin so large the caps of my teeth were visible, and I allowed my eyes to flick over to him as he passed. My grin and my gaze didn’t waver as I took ahold of the Force between us and yanked, pulling on his heartstrings.</p>
<p>I was obvious about it. I wasn’t afraid.</p>
<p>I didn’t have to watch to know he skid to a stop in the middle of the hallway, his hands balled into angry, painful fists at his sides. The other personnel watched him in fear and confusion, most of them hurrying away before they could become vessels for his anger.</p>
<p>Grabbing Dyna’s hand, I tugged her to the work station, a proud smirk perched upon my face. Dyna felt it, too—we had won a small battle. Both of us felt smug, but what had we truly won?</p>
<p>The warmth dissipated rapidly. Once I plopped into the seat at my desk, I let out a deep sigh and cradled my head in my hands. None of this changed the pain I was in.</p>
<p>I remembered all the times he had sworn that he had no desire to hurt me. It felt so genuine, then—that he wanted me, he ached for me, he was weak for me, he would bow to me.</p>
<p>And then I remembered how blankly he had said that I was nothing to him. I held no meaning anywhere, not even in his words. Ren hadn’t even dared look at me, not even as Supreme Leader mocked me. He didn’t even desire to protect me from the shame and embarrassment he had caused.</p>
<p>I wiped away a rebellious tear that slipped down my cheek, shaking my head at myself. He had hurt me so bad. But he was so beautiful in that darkness, bathing in the blue-white glow of the hologram, his jaw tightly set, honey eyes steely yet wet with some emotion I couldn’t decipher.</p>
<p>Kylo looked like he belonged there. Perhaps he did. I wasn’t sure there was even anything left of Leia’s son to bring home, just a shell.</p>
<p>I wiped away another tear and forced myself to focus on my translations. If I didn’t think about it, it couldn’t hurt me. That worked, too, for a little while, until I yawned. My sleepiness brought my mind to the vision-like thing I had before.</p>
<p>For the first time since entering the First Order, I took out my data pad and messaged Rey.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Aiene Yeuthorne: I had a dream or something last night that felt like I had already lived it. I couldn’t control my actions, but I was present in it. It wasn’t good. What happened?</p>
<p>Rey: I believe it may have been a vision. Force visions show what will continue on this path. You can change your future; it is not definite. But if it wasn’t good, whatever you’re doing isn’t working so well. Is everything okay?</p>
<p>Aiene Yeuthorne: Just peachy. Thank you, Rey.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I put my data pad down. If she responded, I didn’t read it. Shuddering, I rubbed two fingers into my temples, my elbows hissing in pain from being pressed into the desk so hard. This was going to <em>kill </em>me if I didn’t do something.</p>
<p>But what was I even supposed to do?</p>
<p>I couldn’t leave. That option wasn’t an option at all. My life was not in danger enough for me to flee without Ren in tow. He had not even bowed to me yet—hell, <em>I </em>was the one bowing.</p>
<p>I spent the rest of my shift only vaguely paying attention to my translations. Every time I read a line, I would forget what I had read, and I would have to redo it. I would take a moment to see Dyna every hour, just to see her. She made things better.</p>
<p>Commander Ren did not come by that day.</p>
<p>Commander Ren did not come by the next day.</p>
<p>Commander Ren did not come by the day after that.</p>
<p>              I had cried myself to sleep every single night that week. If it weren’t for Dyna, I didn’t know if I would have even eaten.</p>
<p>              When he did show up, he lingered in the doorway like a ghost. Six other pairs of wide eyes stared in fear at him while I continued to do my work, pretending he was not there. He did not budge at my blatant disrespect. The other translators’ eyes flickered from him to me, wondering how I was still alive.</p>
<p>              His stubbornness was laughable. I shoved some freshly-printed papers into a manila paper; I had to drop these off at General Hux’s office if he wasn’t somewhere nearby.</p>
<p>              One little problem, though.</p>
<p>              With a groan, I looked up from my file and set my eyes on the hovering mass of black in the doorway. I marched up to him and looked at him through the visor, sucking on my teeth in annoyance.</p>
<p>              “Please, Commander Ren, you’ll have to excuse me. I need to leave.”</p>
<p>              “We need to talk. Come to my office,” he ordered, shifting to take up even more of the doorway.</p>
<p>              I gave him a polite smile he didn’t deserve. “I’m actually quite busy right now, Commander Ren. I have a whole stack left to translate. This meeting will have to wait. You made me wait nine days.”</p>
<p>              “Come to my office, Aiene,” he growled lowly in his throat. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew his eyes were narrowing, his jaw tensing, his teeth grinding.</p>
<p>              General Hux piped in from behind Kylo Ren, his voice the only thing I could make out. He was so small behind his frame that I had not even noticed him. “Actually, Ren, she cannot be dismissed early. There are urgent documents in a language that only Aiene speaks. Your meeting will have to wait.”</p>
<p>              “She is coming to my office. Now.”</p>
<p>              His anger bubbled in my veins, swelling inside me. My lips twitched, the edges tugging into a frown. I curled my hands into fists at my side, my fire only encouraged by the gust of Kylo’s fury.</p>
<p>              “Supreme Leader has not told me to allow her to leave, Ren, and by the looks of it, she would rather stay here.”</p>
<p>              General Hux slipped past him and accepted the folder from my outstretched hands, a kind smile on his lips. I had just returned his smile, about to thank him for his assistance, when the papers flew out of his hands. We both turned to sputter at Ren, but none of our words made it out.</p>
<p>              He threw General Hux into the wall, holding him in a chokehold. Kylo’s anger continued to fuel my annoyance, but it rapidly spiraled into absolute rage. How <em>dare </em>he?</p>
<p>              The noise that left my throat didn’t sound like it belonged to me. It came from the deepest corners of my chest, low, guttural, a mix between a growl and a scream. Ren turned to look at me, his visor blank. I wanted to smash it into pieces.</p>
<p>              “Let him <em>go</em>!” I screeched, the darkness filling me with a hurried buzz, driving my heart rate into space.</p>
<p>              “Come to my office with me,” he said, his voice just as blank as his visor, leaving General Hux gasping for breath against the wall.</p>
<p>              “No! You can’t come in here and expect me to follow you like some kind of pet. You said I was nothing to you, so <em>fucking act like it</em>. What, did you finally deem me worthy of <em>you,</em> Commander?” I scoffed. “Well guess fucking what, Sir: I am <em>above </em>you. Let General Hux <em>go!</em>”</p>
<p>              Before I could stop myself, my hand was outstretched, energy and the Force pouring from my fingertips, thick like honey. Ren flew back a short distance, landing shakily on his feet, just enough to break his hold on General Hux, who fell to the floor limply like a ragdoll.</p>
<p>              Ren stared at me from his spot, both of us panting for breath with anger threatening to boil over. I glared at him, my vision crimson, my fists shaking, my jaw clenched so tightly that my entire face hurt. The entire work station was quiet, all of them watching in fear and awe.</p>
<p>              “You disgust me, Kylo,” I hissed before storming out of the room.</p>
<p>              I ran through the hallways, taking random turn after random turn. I had no destination; I just could not stand to be there any longer. I knew I could not be gone long, though; I had work to do, and I did not tend to leave work unfinished.</p>
<p>              It took fifteen minutes of pacing to will away enough of the anger to return to the work station. The fire in my soul was actively tending the embers, just waiting for the next moment I saw Ren. I returned to the work station, marching through the door as calmly as I could muster. I swept the area for Ren, but he was nowhere to be found.</p>
<p>              Dyna was upon me in an instant, pulling me into a tight hug. I returned the gesture, resting my chin on her shoulder. She asked if I was okay, and all I could say was that I did not know.</p>
<p>              Once she released me, General Hux gave me his gratitude with a firm handshake. I smiled politely, thankful that I had chosen him as an ally so long ago. After all he had done for me, saving him from Commander Ren was the least I could have done.</p>
<p>              I returned to my desk, far too aware of six other pairs of eyes peering at me in confusion and fear, the same way they typically regarded Kylo.</p>
<p>              What had I done?</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>Once my shift ended, my data pad emitted a small <em>ping</em>. I sat back down at my desk, curious, and opened the message, only for my stomach to lurch when I saw it was from Commander Ren. Suddenly we had training that evening. I should have seen that coming.</p>
<p>I didn’t want to go at all. My entire body felt nauseous in protest. I knew this was not up to me, though; I could not risk upsetting Supreme Leader. That was far worse than most things Kylo could do to me.</p>
<p>With three hours left, I dragged Dyna to the dining facility. I tried not to talk about it, but avoiding him made everything about him.</p>
<p>Dyna flung a small berry at my head. “Do you still like him?”</p>
<p>I furrowed my brows, somewhat caught off guard, but more by the berry than by the question. “I can’t hate him, as much as I’d like to. I can’t explain it well, but I feel like he and I are linked together. I can’t stand him at all, but I can’t leave this alone. Something just won’t let me.”</p>
<p>She seemed deep in thought for a moment. “I don’t know anything about the Force or whatever is holding you two together. If you can’t let go right now, don’t force yourself. But don’t you have that… that <em>thing </em>you need to do?”</p>
<p>I nodded. “I do. Hating him won’t help me in the long run. But… he hurt me. He hurt me very badly.”</p>
<p>Dyna gave me a sympathetic look and took my hands in her own, reminding me a lot of Leia when she told me I was Force sensitive. I smiled sadly at the memory, thinking Leia and Dyna would get along quite well.</p>
<p>If I left, or when I finished my work here, I would take her with me, I decided. Dyna didn’t belong here, not in the aftermath of what I was going to do to Ren.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>I hovered in front of the training room doors, gnawing on my lip. My body was flushed with something I didn’t recognize, a weird feeling in the pit of my gut. My heart wanted me to go inside. The rest of me wasn’t so sure.</p>
<p>Exhaling slowly, I pushed the doors open. It was an open room with an entire wall of transparisteel. Light flooded in through that wall and a small skylight overhead, beneath which stood a lithe, tall figure. His back was turned to me, staring blankly out into Hayu.</p>
<p>“You came,” he said suddenly, turning to face me. He kept his mask on.</p>
<p>“I had to,” I spat, feeling unusually bad about my tone after I spoke. “Supreme Leader said I am to be trained, so when you call for training, I will come.”</p>
<p>Ren took a few steps towards me, then around me, circling me. I swallowed thickly, my fingers twitching at my sides. I took a step back but found myself stuck in place after attempting to take another. He stopped in front of me, his amber eyes studying me as if it were the last time he would ever see me.</p>
<p>“You are beautiful.”</p>
<p>He removed the mask, the pressurized air hissing as it was freed from its confines.</p>
<p>“I don’t need you to tell me that,” I hissed, wanting to flinch when he rested a hand on my shoulder.</p>
<p>He moved to bring me into his arms, burying his face into the crook of my neck. Anger began to bubble over in my abdomen, outraged that he would have the audacity to hold me, but even I could not deny that some parts of me missed this.</p>
<p>I missed the way he would touch me and hold me, the way he would kiss me and fawn over me—even if none of it were real. It may have been meaningless to him, but I could not deny the meaning it held to me.</p>
<p>He smelled similar to Poe—cedar, softer, yet stronger at the same time. Tendrils of his black hair tickled my skin, his nose nuzzling my neck. He inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly, pulling me tighter against his chest.</p>
<p>My anger ebbed away as his hands ran over my skin, heat flooding to greet them. I hated how my body betrayed me. It loved being touched this way. My brain nearly hated him, but my body was madly in love.</p>
<p>His lips grazed my skin, just barely caressing the surface, his warm breath fanning my neck. He pressed his hips against me, lowering his mouth further onto my neck.</p>
<p>“Let me move,” I whispered, body alight with electricity. “I won’t run.”</p>
<p>He hesitated, but after a moment my invisible chains disappeared. I turned to face him, rested my hands on his shoulders, my fingers playing innocently with his cowl. I looked up at him, watched as his eyes devoured me, glowing in the light filtering in. His lips were parted in question, sinfully full. I followed his scar from start to finish, remembering a time when it would have intimidated me.</p>
<p>The embers of my anger were finally dampened by something, but it was a feeling I did not recognize. I knew I should have shoved him away and ran to my quarters while I had the chance, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.</p>
<p>I didn’t want him, I told myself; I wanted the way he made me feel. That was it. I could let myself have it just this once, right?</p>
<p>Gulping, I slid my arms around his neck, pulling myself a little closer, noting how his pupils blossomed in both admiration and surprise.</p>
<p>I looked into his eyes, watched the honey of his irises stir and drip. This moment very familiar in a way I didn’t recognize, accompanied by a piercing burning sensation in the center of my abdomen. Ren felt it too by the way he flinched.</p>
<p>I blinked and it wasn’t Ren holding me there anymore. Neat blonde hair, similar amber eyes wide and wet with agony and pain, tan skin paling in my arms. My eyes searched his face for answers, finding none; I looked down between us and my hand had pushed a sword into his abdomen. He smiled at me, cupped my cheek, and leaned in to kiss my forehead; a strand of silver hair fell into my face. This wasn’t me.</p>
<p>I blinked again, and Ren was back, his lips grazing my forehead. Just as I opened my mouth to ask if he had seen it, too, he kissed me slowly, scared to startle me. His hands dipped under my sweater to rest at the small of my back, pressing me further into his chest. I brought my hands into his hair, twirling his waves around my knuckles.</p>
<p>My body was charged, buzzing with so much power and energy that I put Starkiller to shame. I wanted—needed—more. I didn’t know if I could give it to him just yet, if he deserved it.</p>
<p>But the longer I kissed him, the more I wanted him. Everything was pink behind my eyelids, soft, fuzzy, and I felt so guilty, so dizzy, for kissing him out my own free will. I felt like I owed it to myself to finish my mission, despite the consequences. But it wasn’t just my head involved in this anymore. It was my heart, my soul—they wanted this, they wanted him. As stupid as my heart was, my head agreed.</p>
<p>I wanted Kylo entirely, even if he had never wanted me.</p>
<p>Ren pulled away then, and I chased after his lips without even thinking. He took a step back from me, his lips just out of reach. Furrowing my brows, I stared at him, panting through swollen lips. I waited for him to say something, but there was only silence.</p>
<p>He stepped forward and grabbed my cheeks before gently pressing his lips onto the crown of my head. This was his apology.</p>
<p>I looked up at him, wondering if his eyes looked more wet than usual. The thought was fleeting; I tugged him into a tight hug, burying my face into his chest.</p>
<p>Something overcame me, and I cried into his robes, taking tight fistfuls of his outer layers in case he tried to leave. He stiffened against me before awkwardly reaching down to pet my head and stroke my hair. I tried and failed to hide how I whimpered.</p>
<p>Did he regret hurting me? Had he apologized for making me hear it, or did he not mean it? Had he meant to hurt me? Was it true?</p>
<p>I pulled my face from his chest and reached up to wipe my eyes, only to have him wipe them from my cheeks for me with his thumbs. I hiccupped, wondering if this was real affection or if he had only meant it to build me up again so he could feel the joy of tearing me down later.</p>
<p>“Did you mean it?” I asked after a moment, sniffling.</p>
<p>He shook his head at me, tugging me back against his chest. “No. I could not risk letting Supreme Leader know about us. He would use you against me any chance he had, Aiene.”</p>
<p>My heart skipped a beat. “Us?”</p>
<p>“Us.”</p>
<p>That was all I needed to hear. I’d never kissed him so hard. It had me seeing stars, his hands groping and rubbing and massaging every inch of skin he could get his hands on. I tugged harshly at his hair, losing myself in his lips and his touch. I could have lost all of me in him then.</p>
<p>I gave him a look. He knew exactly what I meant.</p>
<p>Ren nodded at me. I followed him out, my legs still wobbly. He led me through the base down into the quarters of the First Order command. Our room—the room I had left behind so early. He waited for me to catch up, extending a hand to me as he led me inside. The door shut behind us, sealing us off from the rest of the base.</p>
<p>Ren swept me up into his arms, bringing me into our bedroom. He laid me on our bed, coming to rest on top of me. I smiled at him, eyes twinkling. Ren dragged a gloved finger down my cheek, then down my neck. The admiration in his eyes was almost tangible.</p>
<p>Perhaps I did not love Kylo Ren. No, I did not love him yet. But it was close. If I was almost there, he had to have been, too.</p>
<p>He kissed me, engulfing my lips in a tender kiss. I smiled against his lips, holding his face in my hands. There was no rush. I wanted to take my time with him now that I was finally at ease. It was just us now, reuniting after nearly splitting into half.</p>
<p>I tugged at his outer robes, using them to anchor myself among the churning waves of arousal pooling in my abdomen. He would drown me in them; I knew this.</p>
<p>His hands slid up my abdomen and caressed my breasts, his touch sending shivers up my spine. I pulled away for a moment, and Kylo assisted me in peeling it off along with my bra. He kissed me again, giving me no time to feel shy or exposed, his hands returning to my breasts to run his thumbs around my nipples before rolling them between his fingertips.</p>
<p>Kylo took his lips down my chin and neck, his hands exploring the territory of my stomach and hips, mapping out every inch he could find. His teeth nipped at the skin of my shoulder, his tongue darting out over the new splash of purple to soothe the pain.</p>
<p>When he brushed his hand over my pubic bone, my reaction was immediate; I let out a noise somewhere between a whimper and a moan. His eyes darted to my face, looking for signs of discomfort.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Kylo,” I assured him, cupping his cheeks in my hands and giving the tip of his nose a kiss. “I’m okay.”</p>
<p>He nodded, slipping his hands beneath my underwear, brushing his fingers against my sex. I inhaled sharply through my teeth, pushing my face against his chest. Ren teased me, sliding his fingers back and forth, his fingertips occasionally catching on the hood of my clit. I whimpered every time, the jolt of pleasure forcing my hips to buck into his hands.</p>
<p>“Take something off,” I whined, grabbing at his cowl. “I want to touch you. It’s not fair.”</p>
<p>He withdrew his hand from between my legs, removing his cowl with a shit-eating grin on his face. He did not move to remove anything else. I frowned at him and nearly ripped off his belt, dropping it on top of his cowl, and grabbed at the shoulders of his outermost top, dropping it with the rest of his clothing. Ren found joy in making me work so hard for something so slight, the grin on his face all the proof I would ever need.</p>
<p>I left him in his t-shirt, pants, and boots, the smirk still on his face; I kissed him long and hard to wipe it away, crawling into his lap and taking a seat on his thigh. His hands found my hips, pressing me own onto his thigh before rocking me back and forth. I moaned into his mouth, my nails biting the flesh of his back through his t-shirt.</p>
<p>My eyes fluttered open to look at him as I ground myself into his thigh, catching notice of his bare neck. I pulled my chin from his shoulder and buried my lips into the side of his neck, peppering soft, open-mouthed kisses so I don’t startle him. His grip on my waist tightened, and the low grunt he let out turned my abdomen into a pit of fizzing electrical wires.</p>
<p>I pressed the flat of my tongue against a soft patch of skin not far from the junction where his neck and shoulder met before sinking my teeth into it and sucking. He let out a strangled growl as I pulled blood to the surface.</p>
<p>“Mine,” I moaned into the crook of his neck. “All mine.”</p>
<p>And then—</p>
<p>I found myself sprawled out on the blankets before him as he shot out of bed and hastily threw his clothes back on. Ren didn’t dare look at me. I blinked in confusion, my chest growing heavy, and within moments he was gone.</p>
<p>I stared at the door after he left, feeling my emotions go from boiling to flat. My throat tightened up, and tears pricked at my eyes, stinging me. I didn’t want to cry over him, over this.</p>
<p>But we had finally just gotten to be happy again.</p>
<p>I found myself back at Dyna’s door, head hung as I knocked. Dyna’s eyebrows furrowed in shock, but her face softened when she caught sight of the defeated look on my face. Dyna sighed, moving to the side to allow me entrance.</p>
<p>“What did he do this time?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. In the Fire Between Us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one gets a little steamy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I fell for it again,” I said, sniffling and shutting the door behind me. I walked forward until I plopped onto the couch, burying my face deep into a pillow.</p>
<p>Dyna took a seat onto the arm of the couch, taking a blanket slung over the top and draping it over me. “What happened, Ene?”</p>
<p>I sat up then, wrapping the blanket over my shoulders, and rested my head on her lap. “I went to training like he asked. We somewhat cleared things up. I forgave him, we started kissing… then we went to have sex.”</p>
<p>“Ene—”</p>
<p>I cut her off, “Just listen. Everything was fine, but he got up out of nowhere and left. I don’t understand what I did wrong. He didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t even look at me.”</p>
<p>Dyna’s jaw fell, one of her hands coming to stroke my hair. “Oh, stars, Aiene. I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“I just don’t understand. What did I do wrong?”</p>
<p>Dyna shrugged, just as confused as I was. “Maybe it was the nerves.”</p>
<p>Nerves, maybe. I couldn’t be angry with him over this, not over him fleeing. Maybe he wasn’t ready. It would have been easier if he had just <em>told </em>me that.</p>
<p>Dyna got up to retrieve a blanket and pillow from her bed. I accepted them gratefully, pulling a book off her table. I didn’t want to think about this anymore; I curled up into a ball on her couch, attempting to concentrate on the back.</p>
<p>I failed miserably. No matter how hard I pushed my thoughts onto this book, I could not focus. This just wasn’t right, Ren running away from me like that. What happened to upset him? What had I done?</p>
<p>Exasperated, I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I shut the book abruptly, setting it on the table. It was late now, more than halfway into evening shift, but I couldn’t let this go on.</p>
<p>Dyna looked up from her book, tilting her head in confusion. “Going somewhere?”</p>
<p>“To Ren,” I explained, smoothing the hair sticking out at the top of my head. “I have to fix this.”</p>
<p>She held her thumb up at me before burying her face back in the book splayed open in her lap. I left then, entering the hallway. It was rather quiet for this time of night, I noticed as I walked. Many Stormtroopers were still out and about at this time of night, but there seemed to be very few tonight.</p>
<p>Once I moved into another sector, I heard the clunky footsteps of bustling Stormtroopers. They were coming towards my direction, walking that little half-jog that they seemed programmed to do. I kept going, paying little attention to the sudden swarm of them until I heard one mention Commander Ren had destroyed another room.</p>
<p>Damn it, Ren.</p>
<p>I followed the distant scent of burnt metal and the faint hum of machinery—or his lightsaber, at that distance I couldn’t pinpoint it—until I saw smoke, grey and puffy, drifting from an open door. I poked my head in and found him panting and slashing at walls and tables, bright sparks illuminating him in flashes of crimson and gold.</p>
<p>He moved like an insatiable animal, grunting, growling, wrecking the room with every last bit of rage and energy he had left. He seemed so powerful in his fury, his strength so rooted in it that everything seemed to bend in submission to him and his will.</p>
<p>I watched in silence, letting him continue what he had started. The heavy scent of burnt metal was nauseating, and the smoke was burning my eyes and scalding my throat and lungs. Kylo knew I was there; he <em>had </em>to have known, but he paid me no mind, too focused. I wondered where his mind was. It didn’t seem to be here.</p>
<p>I didn’t know how long I had been standing there by the time he clipped his lightsaber back to his belt. He stayed where he stood, his back cresting and plunging with every strangled breath. Swallowing thickly, I took a step into the room, kicking the door shut behind me.</p>
<p>“Kylo,” I called.</p>
<p>I didn’t feel safe in this room with him. My entire body was alight with fear, worsening the longer he stood there. The entire room was red, bright red. He seemed to glow in it, but he hated it.</p>
<p>“Kylo, I’m here. It’s okay.”</p>
<p>He spun to look at me then, startling me backwards a step. He was a different person then, his body the same but the person inside completely mangled and despicable. This wasn’t Ren. This couldn’t have been.</p>
<p>His eyes hardened, all the sparkle that I had loved in them drying up like drops of water in the desert. He clenched his jaw, tendons and muscles straining against his flesh. Kylo snarled at me like an animal, his lips quivering enough to reveal his teeth; I didn’t have to see to know.</p>
<p>What had I done?</p>
<p>My throat was hot, my eyes sprung with tears. I tucked my hands behind my back so he couldn’t see them shake. Fear swallowed me up, eating at my muscles, freezing me in place.</p>
<p>The voices came next, hushed but urgent in my ears. Some of them were screams. Some of them were pleading, begging for their lives, urging him to do anything except murder them.</p>
<p>The way I looked at him then, with the eyes of everyone he had ever killed—it didn’t seem to faze him at all. He only turned his back to me, drowning me in his shadow.</p>
<p>“You are making this worse.”</p>
<p>I ignored the pang of hurt in my chest, taking in a shaky breath that didn’t seem to be enough. “How? What am I doing wrong?”</p>
<p>He advanced towards me, whipping around with almost unhuman speed. Ren devoured the space between us in seconds; I compensated by backing away as fast as I could, until I pressed against a jagged, melted edge of a table.</p>
<p>He didn’t stop.</p>
<p>Why wasn’t he stopping?</p>
<p>Ren grabbed ahold of my face, the seams of his gloves stinging my flesh. He held me with a crushing grip, pain shooting down into my neck and arms. I whimpered, looking at him with pleading eyes, ones he had seen thousands of times before. He didn’t care then, either.</p>
<p>“What are you doing to me?!” He screamed in my face, his voice pixelated by the vocoder, but his pain was not lost on me. “You were supposed to fuel me. Why are you not working?!”</p>
<p>His throat was tight as he yelled. I knew he was crying. His tears felt like my own. Maybe I was crying, too. Ren’s grip on my cheeks tightened, squeezing so hard that I thought he intended to break my jaw.</p>
<p>“You don’t want to hurt me, Kylo,” I choked out, fear and his hold on my face slashing my words. “Let me go. Please.”</p>
<p>His hands trembled then, still squeezing. I looked at him, and I knew he saw all these souls in my irises. He saw the fear, <em>my </em>fear of him, tasted it, and it cut him to the core.</p>
<p>But it wasn’t enough.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t want to,” he said, but I knew better than to feel relief. “But maybe I need to.”</p>
<p>Different victims ran across my eyelids, nameless, all of them, but none of them faceless. I watched them die. He would kill me here the same way he killed them, and I would be nameless, too. No one would stop him, not over the murder of a measly translator.</p>
<p>Dyna would be the only one to remember my name.</p>
<p>From my position, I felt rather than saw one of Ren’s hands release my face and move to his lightsaber at his side, the other hand shifting to firmly take ahold of my chin. A strangled whimper escaped me, the only indication of my fear that I gave him other than my eyes. He didn’t ignite it, just held it in his hand—the only sign of his uncertainty.</p>
<p>But it was all I had left.</p>
<p>“You killed your father, and it didn’t help you. Killing me won’t help you, either. It will only hurt you worse, Kylo. You know that.”</p>
<p>He unclipped it from his belt then, running his fingers over it.</p>
<p>“Supreme Leader says you are a distraction to me. Perhaps he is right.”</p>
<p>Pain. There was so much pain.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to do this to me.</p>
<p>But it was all he knew to do.</p>
<p>I squeezed my eyes shut then, resigning myself. It couldn’t hurt that bad, I told myself. It would only be for a few seconds, and then it would be over. I would be another nameless face on the list of casualties killed at his hands.</p>
<p>There was no stopping it now.</p>
<p>“Okay,” I whispered, the sound throttled by lingering emotions I couldn’t decipher. “If you trust Supreme Leader more than you trust yourself, then do it. I just hope you know it won’t help you. You won’t feel any better after you do it.”</p>
<p>I opened my eyes and looked at him again. He was red. Everything was red.</p>
<p>I struggled to believe I could stop this. I couldn’t. But I had to try.</p>
<p>Kylo met my eyes then. They were still blank. He was hiding something—everything—from me. I knew it. Kylo could hide the whole galaxy from me, but <em>he </em>couldn’t hide from me.</p>
<p>“You will never forgive yourself for what you are about to do,” I needled. “You don’t love me. I don’t expect you to. But you won’t ever forgive yourself for slaughtering what could have been.”</p>
<p>His arm shook. That was it.</p>
<p>“It doesn’t have to be like this. There is so much more.”</p>
<p>Ren’s grip faltered, slowly lightening until he dropped his hands to his sides and staggered a few wobbly steps back. I swallowed hard, refusing to take my eyes off him.</p>
<p>My face hurt, but my jaw wasn’t broken. I felt my body become awash with something, but I couldn’t pinpoint it. It wasn’t relief. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t even confusion. But watching him, feeling him—it struck me in a way I didn’t understand.</p>
<p>Ren fell to his knees, letting out a deep, choked cry. He took ahold of his mask and hurled it across the room. It met a panel he had already destroyed, hissing as it released sparks in protest.</p>
<p>I forgot my fear for a moment and fell to my knees beside him, taking ahold of his face in my palms. His cheeks were hot, painted with tears. His emotions flooded my veins when I touched him, filling me with all this pain I couldn’t have even begun to decipher.</p>
<p>Kylo pulled me into his arms and buried his face in my chest, letting out a wretched sob into my sweater. I hooked an arm around his broad torso, running my free hand through his hair.</p>
<p>This man had nearly killed me.</p>
<p>He wanted to kill me, at least somewhat. He had his reasons.</p>
<p>He trembled in my grasp, and his tears soaked through my sweater to wet my skin. They burned me. The cluster of thoughts knotting in his head was nearly tangible. He tried to tell me, but he couldn’t find the words to explain it.</p>
<p>Ren seemed oddly human.</p>
<p>“You need to get away from me,” he hiccupped. “I can’t hurt you. I don’t want to.”</p>
<p>“I know.” I didn’t know which part I was responding to. “I’m not leaving.”</p>
<p>He whimpered, snaking his arms around my tighter to hold me to my word. With a sniffle, Kylo buried his face in my hair, his nose nudging my neck. I rubbed his back gently, humming a Hayun lullaby as he collected himself. I wondered when anyone else had last held him.</p>
<p>The room wasn’t red anymore.</p>
<p>“Come back to bed with me,” he implored, his deep voice only a weak croak.</p>
<p>“I will,” I affirmed, drawing circular patterns on his back with my fingers. “I won’t go anywhere. We don’t have to talk about anything.”</p>
<p>Kylo leant in and pressed a soft kiss against my jaw, his lips quivering against my skin. I stood, earning a sad cry from Kylo, before walking across the room and retrieving his mask. I bent down and secured it onto his shoulders, giving him a soft smile once I had it on right.</p>
<p>As if he hadn’t nearly murdered me just a few minutes earlier.</p>
<p>I laced our fingers together, helping him stand. Ren never did like holding my hand in the halls. I relished this brief moment while I had it. I understood why he chose to keep his distance from me in the halls, but I always felt a little proud when he chose to do it—like he wasn’t scared of letting people knew that he had a weak spot which he would kill to defend.</p>
<p>But that wasn’t how this worked.</p>
<p>In another universe, perhaps. But not this one.</p>
<p>He looked at me, eyes soft and gentle, shimmering. They spoke to me; I knew exactly what they were saying, but I didn’t understand in words.</p>
<p>Kylo looked almost innocent. It was hard to believe those eyes had seen people gasping for their last breaths on his lightsaber or beneath his hands. His eyes were so fresh and gentle; he could have come right from the stars then.</p>
<p>I knew it then; my mission was complete. I was in him. He was full of me, swollen with me. If I wanted to convert him, I was convinced that I could have.</p>
<p>But I didn’t want to.</p>
<p>They couldn’t take what was mine, not unless they took me with him—not after he showed me this side of him. I couldn’t prey on him like that. I didn’t want to.</p>
<p>Truthfully, I didn’t know if I would ever want to again.</p>
<p>I let go of his hand so we could leave, but as I released it, his hand chased after mine until he caught it, holding mine securely. I furrowed my eyebrows at him as he led me out of the smoke-filled room. It was blue. Bluer, at least.</p>
<p>I felt eyes on our hands. We were no secret, not by then, but it made me nervous—like they knew what I had come here to do somehow.</p>
<p>He opened to the door to the room and let me enter first. I thanked him with a small squeeze of his hand, and I stood by the door as he removed his mask, kicking the door shut behind us. Ren threw it onto the couch, turning to look at me after.</p>
<p>His nose was red, his eyes puffy, his lips slightly swollen from crying, his cheeks still glistening with tears. My heart clenched, pained at seeing him like this. Somehow it had already forgotten, or at least no longer cared, that he had tried to kill me.</p>
<p>The memory was not nearly as scarring as I expected.</p>
<p>Kylo marched forward, and I flinched slightly, my eyes squeezing shut. His hands cupped my cheeks, as he had earlier, but gently this time, his thumb rubbing across my skin. I opened my eyes and found him looking at me, studying me, like this was the first time he had ever seen me while simultaneously looking at me like it was the last time he would ever see me.</p>
<p>Ren walked me backwards into a wall, his hips pinning me in place, our gazes unwavering. He kissed me then, both of our eyes falling to a close.</p>
<p>He—<em>we </em>needed this. His leather-clad hands tugged at the small of my back, pulling me forward while his hips pressed me into the wall. The kiss was hungry, urgent, needy—teeth and tongue and saliva. I was his, and I was on fire.</p>
<p>One hand gripped his bicep, and the other ran itself through his hair, occasionally twisting the waves around its fingers. I pressed my body into him and kissed him with all the love—was this love? Could it have been love?—I could muster, letting it wander along the bridge that connected us.</p>
<p>His hand snaked into my pants, inspiring a dizzying, tempting hum in my abdomen, but I knew this was too much. He didn’t need that right now. Ren was looking for answers in my body and what I would give him, but he wasn’t in the right mindset to consent to this.</p>
<p>I pulled away from his lips, wrapping my fingers around his wrist to bring them away from my panties. His brows knitted together, but he didn’t stop me.</p>
<p>“This isn’t a good time,” I objected slowly, cautiously. “You’re just upset, Kylo.”</p>
<p>“No, I want to,” he said, pressing his forehead against mine.</p>
<p>I let go of his wrist, letting my eyes to flutter to a close. We stood like that for a moment, his hands around my waist, mine around his neck.</p>
<p>“Tomorrow. Wait until tomorrow. I just want to make sure this isn’t because you want to feel better.”</p>
<p>“I’m not.” He buried his face in my neck, pulling me closer. There was no distance between us now. I was against him physically, and deep inside him emotionally. “I know I want this. I want you. I don’t want to make myself feel better. I <em>can’t </em>feel better.”</p>
<p>I paused, my mind stuttering. I ran my fingers through his hair, some part of me feeling like I had failed somehow. I knew I could bring him to the Light if I wanted to; there was some sot of redemption there, there had to be. But if he was willing, if not ready, to let this go—if I had fed into the right side of him after all—then why was he still in so much pain?</p>
<p>“Tomorrow, then. We’ve waited this long. We can wait one more day, Kylo.”</p>
<p>Kylo grunted, which I took as his agreement, before lifting me into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his hips with a quiet squeal, watching the sitting room disappear behind us. My back hit the bed a moment later, and Kylo crawled in next to me, scooping me into his arms once again.</p>
<p>This was a feeling I would always cherish—his strong torso and arms against me, enveloping me, protecting me, saving me. Nothing would ever feel greater than this. Nothing else could ever make me feel as at peace and safe as I did then.</p>
<p>Smiling softly, I looked up at him. Ren looked down at me through his eyelashes, his face without expression and his emotional response unreadable except for the way his pupils squeezed his irises. I knew he was tired. We both were.</p>
<p>I pressed a kiss against the tip of the nose as he cut the lights off, and I shut my eyes for the night.</p>
<p>-----</p>
<p>I woke up with the same smile I had fallen asleep with, my head resting on Kylo’s chest. His heartbeat was steady, soothing. I pulled my face from his ribs and looked up at him, my grin growing wider. I had never seen a sight so beautiful.</p>
<p>Sunshine streamed in through the pane of transparisteel above our heads, collecting on his skin. It worshipped him, began its day with him. He was a temple for the sun, so at peace in the rays that prayed on his skin.</p>
<p>I snuggled into his muscular arms again, running a hand through his hair. Even the messy halo of hair splayed out on the pillow behind him was beautiful. All of his hair fell randomly, yet nothing seemed disobedient or out of place.</p>
<p>Kylo let out a small groan; I drew my hands away and stilled in his arms, not wanting to wake him. He never got to sleep so well, and I couldn’t bring myself to wake him now. He didn’t stir again beyond tightening his hold on me.</p>
<p>In the silence and the sunshine, I was happy—genuinely, sincerely happy.</p>
<p>He felt like home.</p>
<p>I had been here before, I thought. Not with Jaso, and not with Poe, but with Ren. In fact, I had been here many times.</p>
<p>This very moment… This wasn’t new.</p>
<p>I looked at him again, and it wasn’t Kylo in my arms. I was not even the one holding him. We were not even on this base. My hair was silver, cascading across his flesh and mine, and he was blonde, smiling down at me with a sweet grin that reached his honey eyes. I reached out to touch him—</p>
<p>And then it was Kylo and me again. Just us and no one else.</p>
<p>I didn’t ever want to let this go.</p>
<p>I was supposed to be getting ready; morning shift would start soon, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. This was something I needed to ingrain into my memory in case a time came where I couldn’t have this anymore—the way the Resistance expected me to.</p>
<p>I shut my eyes again, pushing the thought away. It didn’t matter now.</p>
<p>I fell asleep again in Kylo’s arms, and when I woke up again, morning shift was already well under way. My eyes fluttered open to find Kylo looking down at me, his lips curled into a tiny smile. He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss onto my forehead, letting his lips linger for just a moment longer. I wondered if he had seen what I had seen earlier.</p>
<p>He was already dressed, minus his helmet and boots. When had he gotten up?</p>
<p>“Good morning,” I greeted, reaching up to brush a stray strand of hair out of his eyes. “Did you sleep well?”</p>
<p>He nodded, his eyes glinting. “I think that was the best I have ever slept.” He ran a hand through my hair, strewn randomly on the pillow beneath my head. “We need to talk about last night.”</p>
<p>I propped myself up on my elbow, shaking my head at him. “There’s nothing to say, Kylo. I don’t expect an apology from you. While I can never understand your pain, I understand there was more to last night than you could ever possibly explain to me. There are two very different things at work in you, and I’m provoking a war between them. It’s okay to struggle. I’m fine now.”</p>
<p>He was silent for a moment, his mind running loops over my words. I understood well that I nearly died last night. He could have skewered me without much thought if I hadn’t found the right words to say.</p>
<p>The brink he had pushed both himself and me to was unacceptable, but I knew what Supreme Leader had done to him. I knew without hearing them the lies Supreme Leader had fed him. It wasn’t entirely Kylo that night. It couldn’t have been.</p>
<p>“You understand,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>“I do.”</p>
<p>I sat up, stretching my arms above my head. I began to get out of bed, slipping my legs over the side of the mattress, but just as I stood, Kylo took ahold of my hand and tugged me back down. Curiously, I looked at him, but I only caught sight of him for a second before he kissed me with a dizzying force, knocking the air right out of my lungs.</p>
<p>After a few moments, Kylo pulled away to nuzzle his face into my neck, peppering searing, open-mouthed kisses against my neck. My eyes fell closed while I tilted my neck, exposing more of my flesh to his mouth.</p>
<p>“Tell Hux you won’t be in today. I don’t care what you tell him. You’re mine.”</p>
<p>I let out a shaky, breathy moan before reaching past him and bringing my data pad off the desk. Ren tugged me into his lap, his chest flush against my back, resuming the exploration of my neck. His naughty fingers danced on the inside of my thighs, gloves cool against my skin, while he mumbled into my flesh the words I couldn’t find in the middle of my brain short-circuiting.</p>
<p>After I pressed send, he took the metal tablet away from me and gently set it on the nightstand. I gulped and craned my neck to look at him, watching his irises be split in half by the rays of sunlight his eyes fell into. Kylo’s scar was more prominent in the late-morning sunshine, trailing all the way down the neck I wanted to bite and down onto his chest.</p>
<p>Nothing would ever stop my astonishment when I looked at him. No one would ever compare to his beauty.</p>
<p>Ren turned to face me, a rare smile gracing his lips. “You are so beautiful.”</p>
<p>“So I’ve been told,” I joked, squealing when his hands squeezed my sides.</p>
<p>He pressed a searing kiss beneath my ear. “I will never let you forget it.”</p>
<p>I hummed, pleased, my lips splitting into a cheesy grin. I pressed my belly into his hands when he snaked his hands beneath my sweater; heat rushed to greet them before settling in my abdomen, hot and heavy. One of his hands grabbed the neckline of my sweater, yanking it down. He planted his lips against my collarbone; he brushed his tongue over my skin, and I knew he would leave a mark there.</p>
<p>I whined as his hands brushed over my breasts, bare underneath my sweater. Ren took the hem of my sweater and lifted it over my head, throwing it into an unknown corner. His hands found my panties, slipping his fingers under the waistband and pulling them down my legs.</p>
<p>My whole body blushed, entirely naked in his lap. Ren made no moves to take off his clothes, only grabbed me by the waist to pull me tightly against his chest. I opened my mouth to protest, but he shut it with the Force, his voice throaty and rough in my ear as he shushed me.</p>
<p>I swallowed thickly as he stuck his legs in between mine, pulling my thighs apart and holding them spread. I exhaled sharply, looking at him for only a second before he moved my head forward with the Force again.</p>
<p>Ren’s gloved hand glided down my chest, then down my stomach, stopping to draw circles on the inside of my thigh. His other hand found my throat, holding my head against his chest, not squeezing. The seams of his gloves sent sparks through my abdomen, forcing a whimper out of my throat.</p>
<p>“Patience,” he whispered, still only drawing patterns on my thighs. “I’ll give you what you want when I am ready.”</p>
<p>I opened my mouth to protest, but none of my words would come out. That was my own failure, not Ren’s doing. The need boiling over in my abdomen was rising into my throat, choking me so thoroughly that the only sound I could make was a pleading whine.</p>
<p>Kylo’s hand slid between my legs, two of his fingers running over my entrance. My eyes screwed shut, anticipation drying my veins up. I needed this so bad. I wanted this so bad.</p>
<p>“Please,” I whimpered, trying to crane my head to look at him. “Please, Kylo.”</p>
<p>He chuckled at me, advancing his gloved fingers over to my clit. I sucked in air sharply through my teeth, the desire in my belly demolishing my entire system like a hurricane. He rubbed slow, teasing circles onto it, the seams rubbing into me so delightfully.</p>
<p>Digging my nails into his thighs, I pleaded, “Please, more. More, more…”</p>
<p>His laugh was low and torturous in my ear, but he obliged. One of his fingers drew a circle over my entrance before plunging inside, the sting hardly noticeable while the rest of my body short-circuited. After giving me a moment to adjust, he added another finger, his thumb coming up to rub circles into my clit.</p>
<p>I let out a muffled moan, my head lolling back against his chest. Ren’s grip on my throat tightened while he worked his fingers in and out of me. This pleasure was searing my skin, setting every last nerve in my body on fire. I would have done anything he asked just to keep him touching me like this.</p>
<p>I writhed in Ren’s arms, my nails leaving crescents in his flesh through his clothes. Ren didn’t stop me, only curled his fingers inside me and rubbed circles on my clit faster.</p>
<p>There was nothing in the world beyond what he was making me feel. I was lost in it, melting in it, as he pushed me closer, closer, closer—</p>
<p>Kylo squeezed my throat tighter, painting the inside of my eyelids a thousand different colors. “That’s it, love, that’s it…”</p>
<p>I nodded frantically, my body bucking into his hand with a mind of its own. “Yes, yes, that’s it… Almost, almost—”</p>
<p>Ren’s hand sped up, and I clenched further onto his fingers, whimpering and moaning in time with his hand.</p>
<p>“Close, so close!”</p>
<p>Kylo throttled me, the pressure on my neck making me dizzy, making the room spin.</p>
<p>“That’s it, love. Do it,” he growled into my ear, pressing an open-mouthed kiss under my earlobe. “You can cum. Do it.”</p>
<p>“Yes, yes, yes…” I whined, hardly able to speak.</p>
<p>All color behind my eyelids died, replaced with a bright flash of white. My back arched away from his body, my hips fucking myself onto his fingers. I dug my nails into him so deeply that the fabric of his clothes could have stood no chance; I had to have made him bleed.</p>
<p>As I simmered down, Ren released my throat, slowly working his fingers into me to help me come down. I relaxed in his arms, and he drew his fingers out—</p>
<p>Before sucking them into his mouth.</p>
<p>My gut twisted, heat flushing my entire body as if I hadn’t <em>just </em>had an orgasm.</p>
<p>Kylo took ahold of my chin with the hand that had gripped my throat, and he swiped his thumb over my lower lip. My tongue darted out onto the bit he had shared with me, tasting myself with a hint of the dry leather of his glove.</p>
<p>He released my face, allowing my hands to begin tearing away his clothes. I saved his gloves for last, sucking his index and middle fingers into my mouth, swirling my tongue around the leather, tasting it, tasting me, before catching the tips between my teeth and tugging it off.</p>
<p>Kylo stuck his thumb into my mouth; I looked at him while I ran my tongue over the pad of it, my eyes wide and starry. He smiled at me, a tiny one, just enough. It said everything.</p>
<p>I crawled into his lap and buried my face into his neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses in my wake, digits pressing into his broad shoulders. Ren’s hands ran up and down my back, tracing illegible designs into the skin with his fingertips. Kissing up to a spot beneath his ear, I sucked the flesh between my teeth, leaving a burgundy mark in my wake.</p>
<p>Ren tasted so good on my tongue; I couldn’t help myself. I bit into his collarbone, suckling on his skin. The soft little pants escaping the confines of his mouth and his hands grabbing tight fistfuls of my hair only spurred me on. He had planted every sun in the universe in my body.</p>
<p>One of my hands reached down to brush my fingertips over his thighs, teasing him just a little before cupping his erection in my hands. A stiff groan fell through his lips, and he bucked his hips into my hand. I drew my lips down his toned chest, feeling his muscles ripple and strain against my lips. I ghosted my mouth over his erection, the snarl ripping itself from his throat only adding to my pleasure.</p>
<p>I darted my tongue out to lap at his shaft, felt him throb. Ren tugged at my hair, begging for more. My right hand replaced my tongue, a carousel on his cock, while I drug my tongue over and around the tip. He hissed at me while his hips twitched.</p>
<p>The taste and feel of him was arousing, heavy and thick on my tongue, in my mouth as I bobbed up and down, followed by my hand. My left hand cupped his balls, rolling them gently in my palm while Kylo moaned and growled, his head thrown back into the pillow.</p>
<p>I traced my tongue down a vein on his shaft and ran the flat of my tongue over his balls, sucking them just behind my lips. Ren trembled, quaked, quivered, his entire body tense, with his hands nearly ripping the hair out of my scalp.</p>
<p>With a sudden yank, Kylo pulled me out from my spot between his legs and up towards his face, where he grabbed ahold of my cheeks and kissed the life out of me. He wrapped me up in his arms and flipped me over, leaning over me with a sultry grin.</p>
<p>Invisible hands pinned my arms over my head. I shot him a look of disbelief and awe, unable to bite back my chuckle. Kylo laughed with me, looking at me with golden eyes that were simultaneously his and someone else’s. They swam with love, affection, wonder—</p>
<p>I had seen them before, when I saw the flickers of another person in Ren’s place.</p>
<p>“Are you ready?” Ren asked, breaking my thoughts.</p>
<p>“Yes,” I breathed, my tongue darting out to lick my lips. “I’m ready.”</p>
<p>The hands released me then.</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“I have never been so sure about anything in my life, Kylo. I want you. I want this.”</p>
<p>He still hesitated, worry obvious in the way he furrowed his eyebrows. I reached up and brushed away a tendril of black hair, tucking it behind his ear before running my thumb over the swell of his cheek. He shut his eyes, leant his face into my palm.</p>
<p>After a moment, he pressed a quick kiss against my forehead, lining himself up.</p>
<p>“It might hurt,” he warned, pressing the tip against my sex.</p>
<p>He sucked in a deep, sharp breath, eyes stitching themselves closed.</p>
<p>“I don’t care if it hurts, Kylo. Please?”</p>
<p>He pushed forward, sinking into me slowly. It stung but not enough to deter me. I dug my nails into his back, brows furrowing as I winced. Ren pressed his forehead against mine, his lips grazing my skin.</p>
<p>He stilled when he was sheathed fully into me, eyes screwed shut, face contorted in bliss. Shakily, I reached up and brushed a strand of hair out of his face; he opened his eyes and parted his lips into a sweet smile at me.</p>
<p>I gave him a quick nod, my tongue darting out to lick my lips. He pressed another kiss against my forehead before reaching out and grabbing ahold of my hand, lacing our fingers together by my head. My heart stuttered as he began rocking into and out of me, the sting slowly fading into pleasure.</p>
<p>He buried his face into the crook of my neck, gently biting into the junction of my neck and shoulder, his grunts and growls drowned in my skin. My voice joined his, every last cell in my body burning with pleasure.</p>
<p>I felt his ecstasy all over my body; it was almost tangible, like needles pressing into my limbs. He growled and rocked himself faster, his teeth and tongue sinking into my neck and shoulder. Kylo squeezed my hand a little tighter, further evidence of his pleasure, but I could hardly feel it; I was too focused on the union I felt to Kylo then, how I could feel everything he had ever felt for me with every thrust into me.</p>
<p>I hadn’t realized it then, or perhaps I had it confused with the slithering bliss that wound its way up and down my body.</p>
<p>A small hum awoke in the pit of my stomach, growing stronger and advancing further until my entire body was buzzing. I felt drunk, high, a mix of the two—I was hot like Tattooine but so cold like Hoth.</p>
<p>My focus on the buzzing was torn away by two fingers brushing against my clit. I jerked against Kylo, furrowing my brows together, startled, before melting back into the mattress, rutting my hips against his fingers—</p>
<p>Until I realized both of his hands were by my head, and one was intertwined with my own.</p>
<p>“Kylo, you dirty boy,” I giggled. “Did Supreme Leader teach you to use the Force in such a <em>naughty </em>manner?”</p>
<p>He snorted a laugh into my hair, only rubbing deeper with invisible fingers at my clit. I choked on whatever words I had to say next, digging my nails into his back, leaving fiery trails in my wake. The knot in my abdomen was growing tighter, so tight it was almost painful.</p>
<p>I whimpered at Kylo, pawing helplessly at his back while my hips ground frantically against his hips, whimpering underneath him. He pressed soft kisses up and down my skin, giving the hand he held a firm, reassuring squeeze.</p>
<p>“I know, Aiene,” he cooed into my ear, grunting lowly after a particularly tight squeeze of my core around him. “You want to cum. Let it happen. You can do it.”</p>
<p>I whimpered again, writhing beneath him while he pushed me further and further towards the edge of the cliff. My hands shook on his shoulders, clamping down tightly, attempting to find stability as my entire body tensed and quivered beneath him.</p>
<p>“You can do it,” he whispered, breath hot against my skin. “Uh-huh, you’re right there, right there. Come on, Aiene, you can do it.”</p>
<p>My vision flushed white as he drove his cock into me, thrusting me off the edge of the cliff he’d had me teetering over. A noise halfway between a moan and a scream flew out of my throat, my entire body squirming and arching underneath him. I dug my nails so hard into his biceps; on the inside, I knew drawing blood was inevitable.</p>
<p>He grunted into my ear and lost any rhythm he had established before, his grip on my hand growing painful as he speared me with his cock over and over again with all the energy he had left. A deep, animalistic groan tore itself from his throat as his hips stilled, releasing himself inside me.</p>
<p>After riding out his high, Kylo looked down at me and smiled softly, pink just barely flushing his cheeks, and he kissed my forehead again. He slowly pulled out of me and laid beside me, tugging me into his sweaty chest. Crinkling my nose, I gave in and snuggled against him, a fire burning between our hot skin. I listened to the rapid heartbeat in his chest, allowing my eyes to flutter to a close.</p>
<p>It was perfect, just us like this in the silence.</p>
<p>Then I felt <em>it</em>.</p>
<p>My eyes shot open, forced apart by the adrenaline that rocketed itself through my entire body. I looked up at Kylo, but I didn’t have to see the paleness of his face to know that he knew, too.</p>
<p>No, I could sense he did. I could feel him in every single part of me, lingering in the back of my head where he didn’t belong.</p>
<p>We had a bond.</p>
<p>Ren and I had long been bonded—to an extent. It was always in its fetal stages, just a bridge connecting us through the Force due to our sensitivity and proximity.</p>
<p>But now the bond was solid.</p>
<p>I pulled his hands from my belly, moving to bolt from the bedroom, only to be frozen in place. Kylo pressed a kiss against the top of my head. How his lips quivered was not lost on me.</p>
<p>There was no denying what had happened between us, what this meant for us.</p>
<p>We both knew what would happen if Supreme Leader found out.</p>
<p>No, not if. <em>When</em>.</p>
<p>Ren couldn’t deny that I was nothing anymore.</p>
<p>I didn’t like to imagine the consequences of this, what Kylo might have done in a desperate scramble to prove to Supreme Leader that he was faithful, that he was not a liar.</p>
<p>That somehow, I was still nothing.</p>
<p>“What do we do now?” I asked, my voice clubbed with anxiety.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Ren replied, his throat tight, resting his chin on my head.</p>
<p>“I’m scared, Kylo.”</p>
<p>“There is nothing to fear. I will protect you, Aiene.”</p>
<p>I weighed that statement in my head for a moment. He would protect me from everyone when it came down to it. Everyone except Supreme Leader.</p>
<p>“You’ll have to kill me.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t do that.”</p>
<p>That was a promise. It was a heavy promise, but it felt so empty. I didn’t trust it for even a second.</p>
<p>“You would. If he asked you to, you would. Neither of you would let me get in the way.”</p>
<p>“You aren’t getting in the way.”</p>
<p>Not yet, I thought to myself quietly.</p>
<p>I looked up at Kylo, only to see him staring down at me, brows knitted together while he tried to decode that statement. With a sigh, I shut my eyes, my lips moving into a small grimace. He released the hold he had on me and instead trailed his fingertips up and down my side, planting small kisses on my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me.</p>
<p>“I will not hurt you.”</p>
<p>I sighed again, his words driving a knife into my gut. Lies, again. In the end, he was always capable of hurting me. Willing, too, for the right price.</p>
<p>“I should go to work,” I replied numbly, rolling out of bed and into the bathroom.</p>
<p>He called my name after me, but I ignored it and hopped into the shower, praying that the hot water would burn away my worries. I put the wall up in my head again to keep him out. Not that I was sure that would still work. There had to be some unfortunate loophole.</p>
<p>I groaned and scraped at my scalp with my nails, rubbing in the shampoo but also trying to yank the bad thoughts out of my head. This was going to have to wait. Solving this issue was going to have to wait.</p>
<p>I couldn’t wash the worry away; it clung to me like a thick film of dirt. I turned off the water and propped the door open to the stall, wrapping myself up in a towel and squeezing the water out of my hair into another.</p>
<p>Ren was not in the room when I returned.</p>
<p>I didn’t know if I was disappointed or relieved.</p>
<p>I retrieved a fresh uniform out of the dresser, and I half-collapsed onto the foot of the bed once I was dressed, burying my face into my palms.</p>
<p>This wasn’t supposed to happen.</p>
<p>I fall back onto the mattress, balling the blankets up in my hands.</p>
<p>I knew what I had to do.</p>
<p>I had to tell Rey.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>